From what you wrote, I see it as you are doing things you want to, when you want to and so on.
You mentioned that you are a recovering alcoholic and that your husband has normal drinking habits. So I'd like to mention the possibility that a person who has drinking habits may not see or as you said fully understand the alcoholic concept. Doesn't mean that he's not being supportive.
I'd also like to mention that if some of the other persons whom are asking why do you let him control you like you do are affiliated with the AA groups, you're probably not getting any 'Unbiased' feedback. All too many AA and NA/CA groups are one-sided and selfish in a sense that nothing else matters, only the things in the group and the 'person' in the group. Which is incorrect in the grand scheme of things. Life is about balance. Which is taught in the groups, yet they seem to negate away from the balance with partners/spouses.
Are you going nuts? No I don't think so. Could this be 'midlife', oh yes. Do others go through this, oh yes again. And it has very little if anything to do with a persons alcohol status(unless of course they're in need of some intervention).
Why not mention to him that for one day, one week-end a month you'd like to just do things for you by yourself? Or one day every other week-end? And how about turning off the TV as queston mentioned and have some quality one on one time. You don't want to exclude him completely from your life and life activities do you?View Thread
Has your husband ever been involved with his daughter in the past, like for visits or parental decisions? Does your husband pay child support? I'm assuming from what you have written that your husband has had no contact with the childs mother for many years.
I agree with queston, it really truly is not your place to do anything other than talk with your husband to better understand how he genuinely feels about having a commitment to being involved in her life from here on in/out. Let alone how he genuinely feels about or towards her for that sake alone.
And again, as queston mentioned, I can see how detrimental this would be for the girl/child. Something like this should not be considered on a whim or some notion or illusion that it would be fun to do, something nice to do, a hobby or fleeting fancy. Like looking through rose colored glasses, a situation like this is not a bed of roses or petals. You'd be opening up a door to a host of situations, not all of them pleasant. And the blended family, step-parenting, bio-parenting, etc... The maturity level of all the adults should be considered.
Are you just finding out about this now, or are you still grieving from the affair after these past 2yrs? Have you two tried couple counseling, or at the very least for yourself? Do they still work in the same location together? Are/were there any children in the home? What stresses or responsibilities of hers was she not reminded of? What was it that she could do as she wants that she was unable to do within the marriage? I do not condone infidelity, from what you wrote, it seems as though she wanted a temporary escape from the reality of responsibility of her life, whatever that might be. Like a fantasy. Sorry, more questions than thoughts.View Thread
IC, Thank you for your input. I must have worded incorrectly, could've been clearer, or misunderstood the frequencies. And I do not have your experience either. After a very stressful week or what have you, some people will go out on a week-end and have an exceptionally good time. And I don't view them as being alcoholic. So I didn't/don't feel that addiction was all together fitting in this situation.
I hope the poster returns to read your insight.View Thread
From what you've described my thought is that this is stress induced. On all counts, from the issues with his parents down to you feeling upset when he does this a couple times a year. I think there needs to be something done about the neglect and/or abuse from childhood, and your insecurity or esteem when he does this a 'couple' times a year.
Also, what he is experiencing in the bedroom with you is so very common, and it doesn't have to be age related. As I mentioned, stress factors. And don't discount physical factors such as high blood pressure, narrowing of the arteries, prostate, thyroid or heart concerns. A good and thorough physical examine with his PCP is a very good idea. It is nothing or very little to do with psychological or mental health issues.
If he is genuinely unable to go to counseling, why don't you go and take notes that you and your husband have written together with you?
In a nutshell, the pleasure chemicals our brain produces with pleasure is probably how he dealt with the neglect and or abuse from childhood, and in the same token is disrupted when and if you are becoming upset(heaven forbid you sort of act like his or a 'mother' to him in a scolding fashion) that remains on his mind while in the bedroom with you.
No, I don't think he's an addict. Yes, I think guilt/stress and you hanging divorce over his head can cause this. Yes, I think the strained relationship with his parents can trigger this.