No apology needed, we all have lives outside of WebMd. I don't read the exchange daily let alone use the computer daily. I thought with a shout out using your user name, if you were reading, you may see it. I learn lots just reading other peoples discussions/posts.
I think you also hit a double whammy from two types of relationships that require trust in the foundation. I'm not surprised with the difficulty in trusting others. Let alone what we, you, can trust with people, or entity for that matter. Like a double edge sword, if we're toooooo trusting we get cut.
Have you ever noticed how some people aren't 'multi-task' oriented? I wonder if that's why your husband pulled away when the farming became more intense. I've also noticed that a person who has committed an offense would like to forget about it and put it behind them as quickly as possible, some learning from it-others not. Some people are 'talkers' and others are not. And always pay attention to their actions, especially if they're 'not' talkers.
Not trying to lessen your pain or his offense, maybe to him the affair was more superfiscial than originally thought. Meaning there was no connection in it. And I do believe there is a difference in the way men and women think and process things in life. For instance, I do believe that women are or can be more emotionally in depth, and linked to being raised as more nuturing compared to men as in providing(er). I do wonder what and how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. And how long or what would he do to remedy the fallout. I'll also add that beings you were on the receiving end of this, you may require or need a bit more help from the counselor.
What is it specifically you want him to get and or change? What is it that you do not wish to settle for anymore? Are you wanting a whole new way of life(as you mentioned grow a new life)?
I agree, put more of your effort towards the new computer system and your sons right now. Try not to overthink or over proportionalize things.
Sorry for rambling myself. Hope to hear from you again.View Thread
If you read through the other replies from the discussion links I listed, you may gain a bit more insight or thoughts / suggestions of what to possibly expect. I'm glad nph106 was able to respond, and give abit of an update.
Having the/an affair is bad enough as it is, does he know for certain(or do you) that the child is his(has there been a paternity test?)? Certainly, hopefully, this ended long ago and in one sense a 'one night stand' sort of thing.
I can imagine the betrayal you must be feeling knowing that other friends and family knew of this and did not come forward with even the slightest of hint for you. It's as though they were having the affair as well. For me, on one hand the lack of respect, value and dishonesty this showed of my relationship with them would certainly be enough to hold off any contact from or with them for the time being until I could get my head somewhat wrapped around the situation. On the other hand, maybe it was respect and value of my relationship with them that they choose not to rock the boat/marriage. I think they would have atleast encouraged him to come forward about the situation. It's anyones guess, and that guess should probably be left alone for now. Getting through the initial phases or stages of such an event can and will be trying enough as it is.
I'm not a counselor or psychologist, at ages 10 & 12, it seems fair that with limited information they know of the/this seperation so they don't turn it inward on themselves. I think it may also be good in teaching them that regardless of societal acceptance or occurrence frequency(moral breakdown?) of any persons behavior, has consequences, whether long or short term. Like with stealing, speeding, bullying, lying(not the b-day present kind), the age appropriate examples. Lead by example or be a good role model they always say.
This doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage has to end. Have you considered counseling, atleast for yourself (and your children in an indirect sense) to help you sort through all of this and what lays ahead?
mnmgrl28, nph106 may not currently be reading the exchanges/ communities, so if you or we do not hear from her please don't be offended. To answer your question although, yes it does become easier as time passes depending on how the situation is handled, decisions made, the individuals themselves, support system, and more. It's a grieving process sort of thing that involves the living. I will/would caution you not to make any life changing decisions at this point as your emotions are high and fluctuating. I am very sorry that you are experiencing this, noone should have to. I'll wait awhile before replying on your discussion so this one will stay at/near the top of the page.View Thread
The double whammy you're probably feeling is the affair aspect as well. Not just the other child. (Unless of course the two of you were seperated at that time and agreed for each other to see other people)
To answer your q's, yes, some couples can forgive and move on past these things and have a loving relationship together, while others can not. Everyone is different, as with their situations or circumstances. As time goes on/by the emotional roller coaster your feeling will change.
I have a few questions that may help us in our replies; Was he aware of this and kept it secret from you? Were the two of you seperated at that time(if so, under what type of agreement if any?)? How did you come to find this out? How did you approach him with this? And what type of reaction did he have? Were your other two children around at the time you approached him? And how old are your other two children? Are your other two children aware of this also now? Have you considered counseling(either together or atleast for yourself to help you sort through this)?
Here are a few links to another discussion concerning an affair that may help you. I hope I have them in chronological order;
Either way, I'm confused as to who actually made the appt with a counselor. Was it him or her? And when you are talking about the 'grandchildren', do you mean her children from a previous relationship/marriage? As for a women being middle age with grandchildren ending high school and entering college sounds 'age inappropriate'!?! What's considered middle age? Is he somewhat older than his ex?View Thread
I thought it was odd that FCL's reply was showing on the main page then when I opened this discussion it was not there, so I copied and pasted it under my user name with the intent of a similar explaination. Then when I clicked the 'View Your Response' link FCL's original reply showed up, plus the copy I pasted. Weird!View Thread
23 hours ago Reply: Dating a dirvorced man and now the ex wife wants h... I think that the best thing he could do is what he has already done - made an appointment for counselling because... There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.Posted by FCL I think that the best thing he could do is what he has already done - made an appointment for counselling because he's going to need it given the curveball he's just been served. There isn't really very much youi can do about this. No, he wasn't happy in his marriage but sometimes you need closure and he doesn't appear to have had closure with the amount of time he seems to have continued to spend with his ex.
I think you have to let him reach his own conclusions. If he decides to go back to his ex then it's his loss. However, a good therapist will be able to make him see what he would be going back to...
Could I suggest that you also post this over on the relationship board? You'll find it at this address:
There is a qualified therapist over there who might be able to help you.View Thread There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.View Thread
You also mentioned 'his lack of motivation for our marriage and future child', what type of lack of motivation are you referring to, monies/financial, or eagerness of closing on the new home, helping more in preparation for the move to the new home?
And 'I asked him to leave this past weekend!', how, in what context, frame of mind or mannerisms/thinking did you ask him to leave? Was it more towards sh_t or get off the pot sort of reasoning, like your either in or out (is that what you meant by 'tough love dynamic?)? Or did you blatantly tell him it, the marriage, is over and to leave?
Is this the first child you've had? Hormonal changes wreck havoc on a woman and the trickle down effect on the man.View Thread
From what you have written, it sounds as though you are neglecting your responsibility of half of the roller coaster. You say you love her so much, and later in the post you say you've met someone new. It also sounds that the two of you are living together. So there will be more to consider other than you packing your cloths and leaving. Those things you shouldn't take it upon yourself to make the sole decision about.
Yes, I think it would be wrong for you to leave while she is at work. Make up your mind 'for good'. If you still want to leave 'for good', then maybe write down some notes as to why so you stay on track with the conversation, and follow through. I'm sure all of this is tearing her apart, and I'm suspicious of exactly who is steering the roller coaster.View Thread