This was a throw-away conversation, but I found her comment to be pretty hurtful. She's said a lot of things I found to be pretty hurtful in the past, so maybe I'm back projecting/over-reacting. Tell me what you think.
Background: we are 50-ish and have been married 27 years. The last 10 have been a little rough, but things have improved a lot. Except in the bedroom, where I'm pretty frustrated with the infrequency of sex and her relatively low level of investment when we do have sex. (She's uninvested in romance, generally.)
She says something about Cristiano Ronald being in some "sexiest man" contest or something. (She saw it in the newspaper.) Our 18-year-old son (not a fan of Ronaldo) says something like "He might win, only if he f---s all the judges."
Her response "I'll be a judge!"
Now, I'm not the jealous type. But this seems like a pretty darn rude thing to say in the presence of your husband, whom you rarely have sex with. To me it says, "You might have thought I was uninterested in sex, but I'm really just uninterested in sex WITH YOU. If it were someone younger, hotter, richer..."
It's likely that she just simply meant to express that she thinks he's hot, which wouldn't bother me in the least. I don't care how she gets hungry, as long as she eats at home. But that's the issue--she only eats at home once or twice a month (and like it's a chore on her to-do list.)
What do you think? Forget about it, or tell her how hurtful I thought this was?View Thread
It's possible that he is asexual or is not the sexual orientation that you/he thinks he is.
(You didn't say if you are male or female, so I'm being deliberately vague here in the interest of inclusivity.)
I know someone, for example, who is a bisexual male. He can and does feel romantic attraction to men, but is not really sexually attracted to them. This stuff can be complicated: romantic attraction usually coincides with sexual attraction, but not always.
I assume you have discussed all of this with him...what does he say?
What was your sexual relationship like before you got married?View Thread
I assume the D&C was after a miscarriage? It is certainly normal for women to experience a decrease in libido after a pregnancy, while emotions and hormones work their way back to normal. How long ago was that?
Is she bisexual, or was the affair just more of an "experiment?" Did you know before the affair that she was bisexual (assuming that she is)? That might be more of a shock that just the affair on it's own.View Thread
I agree with FCL: being able to get an erection but then losing it sometimes is usually related to stress, distraction, etc. At least in a young man.
On a completely different track--I can't help but comment: I'm 50, have been married 27 years, and it's been quite a while since we averaged 3 times a week (unfortunately). But I had to chuckle at the description of 3 times a week as "very active sexually." (When I was 25, I would certainly have considered that a down week.) It just goes to show how relative this question is.View Thread
I agree with FCL's suggestion to make more of the housework a weekend task, so that he can carry his share of the load.
The reason you are a stay-at-home mom is not to be the family maid. It is to be there for your children. Your husband does not seem to understand this.
Yes, of course, one of the side benefits is that you can get some of the housework done while you are home with your children. But it's not the top priority.
Also, your husband seems like a bit of an ass. Yes, he might be tired when he gets home from work. You might be, too--you've also been doing a job all day. Your exclusive ownership of parenting and housework chores should end the second he walks in the door. From that point on, these should be shared tasks.
Often times, men are willing to do housework, but may not necessarily see the need or take the initiative to take care of it on their own. You might try matter of factly negotiating division of labor, say, over dinner: "The main floor really needs to be vacuumed tonight, and there are a couple loads of laundry to be done. How would you like to divide that up? Do you want to play with the baby while I work on that, or the other way around?
If his answer is, "that's all your job," then he's more than just a bit of an ass.View Thread
Wow--and people here think I was stubborn about staying married. I think there's only one piece of advice that anyone is going to have for you: get out. From your description, I really can't imagine what about your marriage is worth keeping.View Thread
"Funny how anything we don't do ourselves gets a negative label."
Exactly. Perhaps you should take your own advice and not be so judgmental of people with different ideas than yours. Just because you have a different opinion on the issue than others who responded does not make your opinion better or more evolved. It just makes it different. Judging from other things some of these folks have posted through the years, I'm pretty sure they're not nearly as sexually repressed as you seem to believe. They just disagree with you on this question. If you and your partner(s) are happy acting out and sharing such fantasies, more power to you.View Thread
It's hard to read to much about this one incident without knowing anything about what your overall issues are, how the two of you communicate, etc.
But it seems to me that, in a healthy, loving relationship, we want to do little (and big) things for our partner, to make their life a little easier. And getting someone a tissue certainly qualifies as a little thing, for heaven's sake.
How is the division of labor in your household, generally? Does your husband do his fair share? If he does, he might resent being asked to do more, even if it is tiny little things. If he doesn't, then he might be super-defensive about being asked to do things because he knows that you do more of the household work than he does.
Also, it's possible that "acts of service" might come more naturally to you as a way of showing your love than they do for him. Have you read the Gary Chapman The Five Love Languages book? Also, the very best marital how-to book, IMHO, is John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If you suggested reading one or both of these books together, do you think he'd go for that?View Thread