I agree with FCL: being able to get an erection but then losing it sometimes is usually related to stress, distraction, etc. At least in a young man.
On a completely different track--I can't help but comment: I'm 50, have been married 27 years, and it's been quite a while since we averaged 3 times a week (unfortunately). But I had to chuckle at the description of 3 times a week as "very active sexually." (When I was 25, I would certainly have considered that a down week.) It just goes to show how relative this question is.View Thread
I agree with FCL's suggestion to make more of the housework a weekend task, so that he can carry his share of the load.
The reason you are a stay-at-home mom is not to be the family maid. It is to be there for your children. Your husband does not seem to understand this.
Yes, of course, one of the side benefits is that you can get some of the housework done while you are home with your children. But it's not the top priority.
Also, your husband seems like a bit of an ass. Yes, he might be tired when he gets home from work. You might be, too--you've also been doing a job all day. Your exclusive ownership of parenting and housework chores should end the second he walks in the door. From that point on, these should be shared tasks.
Often times, men are willing to do housework, but may not necessarily see the need or take the initiative to take care of it on their own. You might try matter of factly negotiating division of labor, say, over dinner: "The main floor really needs to be vacuumed tonight, and there are a couple loads of laundry to be done. How would you like to divide that up? Do you want to play with the baby while I work on that, or the other way around?
If his answer is, "that's all your job," then he's more than just a bit of an ass.View Thread
Wow--and people here think I was stubborn about staying married. I think there's only one piece of advice that anyone is going to have for you: get out. From your description, I really can't imagine what about your marriage is worth keeping.View Thread
"Funny how anything we don't do ourselves gets a negative label."
Exactly. Perhaps you should take your own advice and not be so judgmental of people with different ideas than yours. Just because you have a different opinion on the issue than others who responded does not make your opinion better or more evolved. It just makes it different. Judging from other things some of these folks have posted through the years, I'm pretty sure they're not nearly as sexually repressed as you seem to believe. They just disagree with you on this question. If you and your partner(s) are happy acting out and sharing such fantasies, more power to you.View Thread
It's hard to read to much about this one incident without knowing anything about what your overall issues are, how the two of you communicate, etc.
But it seems to me that, in a healthy, loving relationship, we want to do little (and big) things for our partner, to make their life a little easier. And getting someone a tissue certainly qualifies as a little thing, for heaven's sake.
How is the division of labor in your household, generally? Does your husband do his fair share? If he does, he might resent being asked to do more, even if it is tiny little things. If he doesn't, then he might be super-defensive about being asked to do things because he knows that you do more of the household work than he does.
Also, it's possible that "acts of service" might come more naturally to you as a way of showing your love than they do for him. Have you read the Gary Chapman The Five Love Languages book? Also, the very best marital how-to book, IMHO, is John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If you suggested reading one or both of these books together, do you think he'd go for that?View Thread
This is all pretty typical stuff. I'm right in between your age and your husband's, so I'm living this stuff. In our case, it's my wife who has gained a little weight and mostly lost her libido. (The low libido started for her way before the weight gain.)
Not only does she hardly ever want to have sex, but her self-consciousness about her body is a major turn-off when we do have sex.
3 times a week would be like a dream for me. We're around more like 2-3 times a month. Of course, what's more important than what's typical is what works for you and your husband.
"My partner doesn't initiate" is also a really common complaint. Maybe he's just less the initiating type than you are? I for one am not likely to initiate unless I get some sort of indication from my wife that she might be receptive to romance and sex. Men aren't known for their attention to subtle cues, so you may have to be fairly unsubtle in sending a message of your sexual availability in order to get him to initiate.
When you initiate, is he generally game? If so, maybe you just need to initiate more, have more sex, and be happy.
Does everything work alright when you do have sex? Is it satisfying for you and for him? Men sometimes avoid sex when they are concerned about some real or perceived problem with their sexual performance. Does he have any problems with ED, premature ejaculation, etc? Does your typical lovemaking lead to satisfaction and orgasm for you? If not, he might be feeling gun-shy for some of these reasons.View Thread
It did, but it still bothers me that, when we disagree, she clearly sees my differing preference as an obstacle (standing in the way of what she wants) to be overcome, rather than as something to be honored and reconciled with her own.View Thread
Yeah--I did propose a couple alternatives. It appears that the idea has died a natural death to to incompatibility of our two older kids' schedules.
My wife and daughter are now looking at going to Cancun. I'd actually be totally OK with that. We are moving my elderly mother to our town in a few weeks, and if they took off for several days, it'd give me some time to spend with my mom helping her get settled in.
I go backpacking without my wife a few times a year (because she is not interested in backpacking), so I'd have no problem with her taking a trip she'd enjoy without me.View Thread
My wife kindof out of the blue last night got an idea for a short family vacation over Christmas time which is totally unappealling to me. (I don't even need to tell her that, she stated right up front "I'm sure you're not interested in this at all.")
We have 3 kids, late teens/early 20s, and she wants to invite their significant others, which would make this a trip for up to seven people. With airfare, hotels, etc, that could get really pricey. (She wants to go to Vegas, which, to me, is a strange place to take "kids" who aren't all 21.)
We *never* take expensive trips like this, so this is really kind of out of the blue. We do technically have the money, but we had earmarked it for other purposes (kitchen remodel is the big one).
I guess I'm mostly a little hurt that she would push to spend a lot of money on a trip she's fully aware does not interest me at all. I know that I would never do that to her.