What do the two of you do together when you are home? He may be controlling, or maybe he values that companionship time more than you realize.
My wife and I are a little younger than you--our youngest child is still at home (he is 16), we both work full-time, and both have other pursuits. So our companionship time can be limited sometimes. I notice that this bothers me more than it bothers my wife. To me, it is a high priority to leave some time for companionship with her. To her, it is more like what just happens sometimes when we both happen to be home. I'm not controlling--I want my wife to be healthy and happy and to take care of herself mentally and physically and emotionally, and to have pursuits of her own. But I also want to spend time with her.
Or maybe he's just controlling, I don't know. Have you asked him? We had a counselor once recommend scheduling at least 30 minutes of one-on-one companionship every day. It could be walking the dogs, doing the dishes together, sex, whatever, but it's 30 minutes that you both set aside for being together. That was very helpful advice for us.View Thread
Well, obviously you know your husband way more than I do. But I see a distinct possibility that he feels guilty about not being in her life, he realizes that you disapprove, and he's saying what will make both him and you feel better about the situation.
Or maybe he's really committed to being in her life, I don't know. But I think it'd be best not to make any contact until *you* know. And it'd probably be best to wait for *him* to be the one to make contact, which he probably wouldn't ever do if his heart wasn't truly in it. If I were you. I'd continue to talk to him about it and encourage him, but you can only lead a horse to water...View Thread
I don't really see how you contacting her could possibly end well. You knew when you married him that he had a daughter that he didn't see, right?
For the sake of the child, you or your husband should absolutely not get into contact with her unless is is part of a life-long commitment to be in her life. Right now, it seems extremely unlikely that your husband is there.View Thread
"Your anger and his lack of action will turn into resentment if the two of you can't find commonplace soon."
This is exactly what I meant in my original reply, MCK. You have two choices--either learn to accept it or do something about it. Seething is not a good option.
This is one of those things that sucks for the higher libido partner: we're often faced with the choice of accepting the crumbs that are being offered or risking being shut off even more if we demand something more from our partners, sexually speaking.
The higher-libido partner is virtually always available for sex at the lower-libido partners whim. It's very easy to be taken for granted. I know that the once or twice a year I decline, it seems to really throw my wife for a loop, and, being a bit of a control freak, it seems to make her more determined to make sure it doesn't happen again.
But that's kindof a risky play, if your partner doesn't care (or is maybe even relieved) that you say no.View Thread
Your husband's behavior that you describe is reprehensible, but th a e behavior that this thread was about was men looking at pictures of women in bikinis. Do you consider that porn? Inherently disrespectful to one's wife?
I must admit I don't get that attitude. Heck, if we're watching show where they show a good looking guy's butt or something, I'll rewind it if my wife missed it, since I assume it's something she'd like to see. I really don't see where the fact that I like seeing an attractive woman in a bikini has anything to do with my marriage (or with the kind of behavior you described in your post).View Thread
I'm glad you guys are working some stuff out, but this seems like a pretty good deal to me.
No, we shouldn't have to be pretentious with our spouses, but we should be willing to keep our appearance and behavior up for them at least to a minimal degree, which he seems unwilling to do.
On the manscaping issue, I think that people (male or female) who shave/wax/trim/whatever their pubic hair often do so on the hope that they'll get more oral that way. If He doesn't care much about that, you may be swimming against the tide on that one.
I think you really have two choices. You can either let all of this go, or you can tell them that these are really important issues for you, and you need him to make some changes. The other option is not really an option--to continue stewing about it and letting it tear you up inside.
I have some similar issues with my wife. For example, she'll work out and not shower or even change her drawers afterward. If we're having sex later, that kindof grosses me out slightly. (Or, more accurately, I just wish she were willing to lift a finger to make the experience better for me.) But, honestly, I've just pretty-much let that go. I'd rather have sex "her way" than not at all--these are things I can let go.
BTW, hockey games have three periods, not four quarters View Thread
Ack! I just typed a very long response and it was eaten...
I think you probably both feel like the other is more-or-less ignoring the most important thing that's happening right now: for him, it's his firing and the ensuing meltdown, for you, it;s the pregnancy and the fact that you will soon be parents. We all tend to prioritize the thing that is happening *to us* over the thing that is happening to someone else.
Spouses talk past each other on stuff like this all the time, but you happen to have three very high-stakes issues going on at once. Usually it's about stuff like who will do the laundry.
Just FYI, getting fired tends to be viewed differently by men and women. Men are far more likely to see their worth as a human being bound up primarily in their job, their image as a person that is successful at what they do, and their ability to provide for a family. It's not at all unusual for some sort of emotional meltdown to follow losing one's job, especially for a man.
You (understandably) may just have too much on your plate right now to make empathizing with him much of a priority.
Is there any outside party, like a clergy person or counselor, that could maybe help you both see things from the other person's perspective?View Thread