"Your anger and his lack of action will turn into resentment if the two of you can't find commonplace soon."
This is exactly what I meant in my original reply, MCK. You have two choices--either learn to accept it or do something about it. Seething is not a good option.
This is one of those things that sucks for the higher libido partner: we're often faced with the choice of accepting the crumbs that are being offered or risking being shut off even more if we demand something more from our partners, sexually speaking.
The higher-libido partner is virtually always available for sex at the lower-libido partners whim. It's very easy to be taken for granted. I know that the once or twice a year I decline, it seems to really throw my wife for a loop, and, being a bit of a control freak, it seems to make her more determined to make sure it doesn't happen again.
But that's kindof a risky play, if your partner doesn't care (or is maybe even relieved) that you say no.View Thread
Your husband's behavior that you describe is reprehensible, but th a e behavior that this thread was about was men looking at pictures of women in bikinis. Do you consider that porn? Inherently disrespectful to one's wife?
I must admit I don't get that attitude. Heck, if we're watching show where they show a good looking guy's butt or something, I'll rewind it if my wife missed it, since I assume it's something she'd like to see. I really don't see where the fact that I like seeing an attractive woman in a bikini has anything to do with my marriage (or with the kind of behavior you described in your post).View Thread
I'm glad you guys are working some stuff out, but this seems like a pretty good deal to me.
No, we shouldn't have to be pretentious with our spouses, but we should be willing to keep our appearance and behavior up for them at least to a minimal degree, which he seems unwilling to do.
On the manscaping issue, I think that people (male or female) who shave/wax/trim/whatever their pubic hair often do so on the hope that they'll get more oral that way. If He doesn't care much about that, you may be swimming against the tide on that one.
I think you really have two choices. You can either let all of this go, or you can tell them that these are really important issues for you, and you need him to make some changes. The other option is not really an option--to continue stewing about it and letting it tear you up inside.
I have some similar issues with my wife. For example, she'll work out and not shower or even change her drawers afterward. If we're having sex later, that kindof grosses me out slightly. (Or, more accurately, I just wish she were willing to lift a finger to make the experience better for me.) But, honestly, I've just pretty-much let that go. I'd rather have sex "her way" than not at all--these are things I can let go.
BTW, hockey games have three periods, not four quarters View Thread
Ack! I just typed a very long response and it was eaten...
I think you probably both feel like the other is more-or-less ignoring the most important thing that's happening right now: for him, it's his firing and the ensuing meltdown, for you, it;s the pregnancy and the fact that you will soon be parents. We all tend to prioritize the thing that is happening *to us* over the thing that is happening to someone else.
Spouses talk past each other on stuff like this all the time, but you happen to have three very high-stakes issues going on at once. Usually it's about stuff like who will do the laundry.
Just FYI, getting fired tends to be viewed differently by men and women. Men are far more likely to see their worth as a human being bound up primarily in their job, their image as a person that is successful at what they do, and their ability to provide for a family. It's not at all unusual for some sort of emotional meltdown to follow losing one's job, especially for a man.
You (understandably) may just have too much on your plate right now to make empathizing with him much of a priority.
Is there any outside party, like a clergy person or counselor, that could maybe help you both see things from the other person's perspective?View Thread
OK--you seem a little defensive. No one here is attacking you. We're just asking questions in order to better understand the situation you are in.
Have you considered backing out of the house purchase? It's a very unfortunate convergence of events: him getting fired, the house purchase, and the baby coming soon.
You're going through a bunch of huge things at once. Getting fired is a really big deal, emotionally and financially. Obviously, he's not dealing with it well. And having a baby is obviously a really big deal, too.
How were things before he got fired? You said you've had arguments in the past--were those the kind of garden variety arguments everyone has, or serious marital problems?
I might suggest working toward clearly-defined outcomes, rather than vaguely-defined ones like "motivation for our marriage and future child". I assume that what you really want from him in the short term is for him to stop getting high and get a job. How about telling him that those two things are the prerequisite for your marriage continuing?View Thread