All I can say about that study is, "Your milage my definitely vary."
I bet we had sex as many times in any given year of our 20s and 30s as we have the whole (almost) decade of our 40s. The conclusion of that study most definitely does not fit my wife's experience.View Thread
A number of years ago, I took a one-year teaching job at a university that was about a 4.5 hour drive from where we lived, so I took an apartment there and came home on weekends. Our kids were in elementary school at the time.
In some ways, it was great. Our weekend time tended to be more savoring our time together as a couple and as a family, and less of the usual just "getting through life."
There are some traps, though: my wife was very adamant that I should not be the disciplinarian when I was home on the weekends, which does kind of make sense: we wanted the kids to enjoy having me home and view it as a positive thing. But, one of our kids in particular had a real hard time in the years after that, adjusting to me returning to my normal role as co-disciplinarian. I would say, in retrospect, that my absence that year had a real long-term negative effect on my relationship with her.
So this is something that you'll want to discuss and work out how you plan to handle it. I have a brother in law who is a truck driver--when he is home he's always the good cop, mr. fun and games. I think his wife resents having to always be the bad cop.View Thread
Sorry, some words got deleted in the second paragraph:
Here's my point: if he grew up aware of variations in sexual orientation, explored love/sex with both men and women, and then fell in love with and married a woman (you), then we could reasonably assume that he has considered his sexual orientation and what kind of life he wants to live, and he chose to marry you (and you knew about his presumed bisexuality going into the relationship).View Thread
What kind of background did he grow up in? If he is only 30-sh, then he has probably grown up in a culture that is *reasonably* open about things like bisexuality and homosexuality, but if he grew up in a very conservative family and/or a rural area, etc, maybe that is the larger factor here.
Here's my point: if he grew up aware of variations in sexual orientation, explored love/sex with both men and women, and then fell in love with and married a woman (you), then we could reasonably considered his sexual orientation and what kind of life he wants to live, and he chose to marry you (and you knew about his presumed bisexuality going into the relationship).
BUT, if he grew up in a more closed-minded environment, where he might not have been able to honestly assess these things and learn what kind of person he was and what kind of person he would love, then you might have a little more to worry about as far as him "coming out" one day. If this is the case, then maybe some counseling (for him as well as for you as a couple) might be a good idea before starting a family.
As far as the shemale porn and his desire for anal sex, I don't really think those are much of a factor here. Porn and masturbation are about fantasy: it's kind of logical that a bisexual person might find that kind of porn a stimulating fantasy. And anal sex? Well, lots of straight people like anal sex.View Thread
I meant to add that my wife and I have always treated our money communally, so that's what makes the most sense to me. When I was in grad school, her income was greater, but since then, mine has been (but not drastically so). So we've never really had any feelings of inequality or problems around our joint finances.
However, about 6 years ago, my wife did pretty-much unilaterally decide to take a lower-stress job that paid about 15% less. Shortly after that, the economy crashed and our salaries have grown very little since, so that 15% cut has hit us pretty hard. I try very hard not to feel resentment over than, but every time she complains about money, that nags at me.
*My* interpretation of that is that it's much safer for couples to make financial decisions jointly. Individuals in a marriage or other long-term couple relationship having major financial autonomy seems like a dangerous recipe, to me.View Thread
If the difference in your incomes is not extreme, then it would probably be best to just share these expenses equally--you could each have a certain amount per month directly deposited into a joint account, and then make decisions on how to spend from that account jointly.
Since you make more, this would hit his income a little harder, percentage-wise. You could compensate by picking up more of your other expenses (meals, entertainment, etc), or you could kick in a little more for larger joint expenses on an ad hoc basis.
Kicking in by percentage is also fair, in a different sort of way, but I think it would inevitably lead to the feeling among one or both of you that there is an imbalance in decision making power with respect to that joint money.View Thread
We get all sorts of distorted messages about what is "normal," in terms of material possessions, in our society.
My wife has a .5-carat diamond. (We have been married 25 years.) Never once have I felt even the slightest touch of inadequacy about that. If anything, buying a diamond at all is really fairly silly for those of us who are not wealthy.
Watch those house-buying shows on HGTV some time: it's just astonishing what young adults of modest or medium financial means feel that they just have to have in their home: granite countertops, expensive plumbing fixtures, the latest in-vogue floorings, etc. It's really kindof sad, how middle-class and working-class people allow the luxuries that wealthy people can afford to influence what they want (or think they need) so much.
(And these things are not even utilitarian: expensive stone countertops are not really any more functional than the more affordable alternatives. And a large diamond is not necessarily more beautiful than a small one.)View Thread
stevesmw has it exactly right. Marriage counseling or divorce are your two options. If he won't do counseling then divorce is really the only possible option. You can't live this way--no one should have to, anyway.
I realize the stigma about divorce is very real in your culture and family, but at a certain point you need to take care of yourself. You are the one who is responsible for that. It may well be for the best to get out now, while you are young and there are no children involved. (And, for heaven's sake, make sure there continue to be no children involved.)View Thread
I acknowledge that marital arguments bring out the worst in people, but did he really say "...to divorce him sooner rather than later so he wouldn't lose as much stuff?"
Do you really want someone with such a stunning lack of empathy and personal responsibility to be your partner in raising your daughter? I think you should trust yourself. Your reactions toward him seem appropriate to me. I'd call those attorneys if I were you.View Thread