I am new to this particular community and wanted to take a moment to say hello.
I initially sought support and encouragement from a different online community, but after two posts with a combined total of 52 "views" and 0 responses, I didn't find that community to be supportive in the slightest. Other people had posted really meaningful and important messages in an attempt to reach out and despite their 100+ "views" there were no actual responses. How discouraging!!!
I am anxious to give and receive support and encouragement to others with a similar struggle to mine due to severe depression. Because of the power of a kind word, I believe helping one another in a virtual world (such as this) can still yield the power to uplift one another.
I'm new here...I don't really know where to start. I've been battling depression for as long as I can remember. Its gotten seriously worse in the last year or so...I guess I'll start with my memory: Its a bit like a steel trap. I can remember dates and events with pretty frightening accuracy, but names and individuals are a little more fuzzy. I remember a lot of my past and it weighs me down... I try to move on but the memories come back like a knife into my brain causing physical and emotional pain. I've been tested for seizures but was negative....recently I've been raging about life in general, just feeling trapped...I've lost all interest in things that once made me happy and have been raging at family...the smallest thing seems to tee me off and I end up being in a near rage state for days on end. I've lost interest in eating, I feel achy and tired when I wake up....I'm trying to fight against depression but don't know where to start. I'm a father of three adorable and beautiful children and am afraid that I'm going to either scar them mentally or emotionally for life so I've been trying to distance myself from my family as much as possible....I don't have any friends to speak of as I don't have time for anything BUT family and am hoping that this community may be able to help with the "Hyde moments" (What my wife has nicknamed them...its like I become two different people). What I really need help with right now is where to start? I was on Viibryd for almost a year but my dr. told me to quit cold turkey...i've been off of it for almost a week with some fluoxetine to help the "Hyde moments"...any advice? I'll post more as I'm writing this at work now but any guideposts would be appreciated. Thank you allView Thread
Well, I don't know what's going on. Since the pool opened last week I was telling myself, tomorrow I will go. Then the tomorrow comes and look out of the window and don't want to go to the pool. Every year till now I was so looking to go to the pool almost everyday. I bring my magazines to read, bring sunscreen and bring some refreshment. I could stay there for a few hours with the sunscreen of course since I am light skinned, but i like how it looks when my skin turns tan.
I am wondering if its the heat that bothers me. On hot days before I would go in the water, come out. Then would get too hot again. My apt can be cool when the AC is on. I do have 2 cats and they want to be with me every room I go to. I feel bad leaving them now even for a few hours. I am thinking what is the real reason that I don't want to go to the pool.?. If anyone has insight on this I would appreciate your thoughts.
Could anyone tell me the best way to get my son to interact more with his siblimgs and myself? he just wants...
Posted by An_259485
Could anyone tell me the best way to get my son to interact more with his siblimgs and myself? he just wants to spend time in is room alone aand will hardly speak to us. i just want him to cummunicate with me.View Thread
I will start by saying i am not suicidal! For many years i have been going to sleep praying that i don't wake up! Thinking I wish i was dead ! I dont have friends, every friend i get seems to just wanna screw me over, my depression drags me down to where it hard to hold a job or even get out of bed. I have tried to get help from behavioral management forced myself through there 10 visits told 5 different people my whole life story 3 months before i got any meds (escitrapram and trazidone) it was starting to help when they instantly cut them off! told me i missed appointment they never gave me. Wanted me to start process over! Cant afford a doctor! Sorry to rant but i guess its time to give up and just live life in hell! Why cant it be easier for a person to get help!! Everyone wonders why shootings and crazy stuff happens !! I would never do something like that but do understand why some do!! MESSED UP WORLDView Thread
Hi all, my problem is I feel so un-inspired. That's a light word to describe my depression. My biggest hobby before was dressing up for work and all occasions nicely. Half a year ago, I changed job, where I literally only talk to my boss, one person, and even I had the opportunity to make friends, I tend to stay away from all the social events. I feel I am very anti-social at my new job. Plus, it is with a bunch of guys, and nobody, really cares about what you wear. Even if I dress up nicely one day, I would see no body, but only look in the mirror in the bathroom and think to myself, I dress nice today.
Aside from this issue, I suffer from this compulsive cleaning freak syndrome. When I came home, and I go out to dinner with my hubby, I will not want to wear my nice clothes, for the worry I would dirty them. So I actually have a closet of nice clothes, that I either don't want to "waste" to wear to work, or "dirty" to wear out for events. When I do wear them, I have to be soooooo careful not to dirty it the tiniest bit, because if I did, my mood will be ruined and I will just want to run home and clean it.
After a while of constantly feeling stuck, uninspired, anti-social, compulsive cleaning freak, I discovered that I lost my fashion sense now. I used to be the fashion expert all my friends go to, now I can't barely put anything nice together. When I try, I fail, and I feel so bad. No matter how hard I try and mix and match, nothing looks nice. I feel I lost my only hobby.
Now I'm married, with no friends, all my girl friends moved away or busy with kids, so I don't see any friend any more at all. My only friend is my husband, and his friend occasionally, but I noticed I don't even want to participate in his friend's outings anymore either. I become so anti-social, that I just want to stay home in my pajamas, than going out with my husband.
Hi Im new here, Just thought Id share my story. I'm 24 , mother of a wonderful 2 yr old son. Also the...
Posted by An_263241
Hi Im new here, Just thought Id share my story. I'm 24 , mother of a wonderful 2 yr old son. Also the daughter of a chronic alchoholic, sociopathic, abusive (and now) Brain damaged mother (results of falling and hitting her head one too many times while intoxicated). My father took off when I was 13, so from then on ive pretty much been on my own. I am also a Leukemia survivor... was diagnosed at 6 years old and have been in remission for about 14 years now. I was molested at the age of about 7 by some kid on my school bus. And ive been in multiple abusive relationships, battled with drugs and alcohol abuse. Im clean now because of my son. But it just feels like the only reason im living anymore is for my son.... I barley have friends.... and the ones I Do have I barley see because just the thought of social interaction makes me feel stressed. I'm constantly tired no matter how much I sleep. Ive tried 3 diff medications, currently on venlafaxine HCL... but that doesn't seem to be helping much anymore either. My husband just doesn't understand me, he yells at me and gets frustrated with my emotions and moods, calls me names and tells me im crazy. I Just always feel like whats the point of doing this anymore... everyday I find myself waiting for tomorrow because I hope tomorrow will be a better day and most of the time it isn't. I have no sex drive which also is taking a toll on my relationship and the only person I really have in my life to talk to. I don't even bother getting dressed or even barley doing my hair. All I do now is just sit and think too much. I feel like im losing my damn mind and idk what to do anymore.... I'd never contemplate suicide because of my son but I can just feel myself literally cracking! I guess I just want to know if theres really anyone out there that understands me???View Thread
I take 2 Xanax daily (1/2 of a 0.25 mg) each time, usually every 3 hours until about 3 or 4 in the afternoon...
Posted by Anon_963
I take 2 Xanax daily (1/2 of a 0.25 mg) each time, usually every 3 hours until about 3 or 4 in the afternoon as needed. So a total of two, and rarely the 3 that I have prescribed for daily use. I am just trying not to become dependent on needing that many. I take it due to the anxiety caused by a health issue. Now this health issue has worsened some and the doctor I see for it has prescribed Valium (2 mg. ) three a day. My question is this. Should I discontinue the Xanax while taking the Valium or is it ok to take both in a day? My primary care doctor says a Psychiatrist knows more about these types of meds than most primary care doc's do, since they are specialists in this field. My primary prescribes the Xanax and my Neuro-ent the Valium for the inner ear disorder. Just want to be sure it's safe to take both or if it's best to do without the Xanax while taking the Valium? or Vice Versa! Also, since I've been on the Xanax for about a year now, how do I wean off of it safely, when I feel I am ready to do that? Thank youView Thread
Don't read this if today's a bad day for you, too. So, today is a particularly bad day. Not that anything...
Posted by An_263211
Don't read this if today's a bad day for you, too. So, today is a particularly bad day. Not that anything really bad has happened, no... It's just, I'm never feeling really happy or just OK anymore, there is always this sadness and bitterness, now. But I don't really feel it anymore. I used to be a very anxious person, but now I don't even feel strong enough to be really afraid, there's just this numbness, with a uncomfortable and nagging note to it. I can't get myself to do anything anymore. Well, that's not quite true. I do the things others depend on (though very much procrastinating and only the necessary bits). But things I have to do in order to achieve what I want to achieve...no way. So many things I'd like to do and be able to do, I just don't know where to start. While consciously it's very easy to see what must be done, it's just impossible to follow through with it. I'm not even sure what I want and I can't dream anymore like I used to. Because there's always this voice inside my head (at least on bad days, on "good" days I'm too weak to care for the voice), telling me I'm a bad person and it's no use and that I'm lazy and stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! Stupid! St... So what do I do instead? Lie in bed almost all day, self-harming...like that's going to change anything! Stupid! I don't know who to talk to. My parents know most of it and they are very kind...at least those few times they're not occupied with anything else, but I can't tell them anything new. I'm just feeling guilty for being such a stupid, miserable couch potato lately, so I'm talking to them as little as possible - I don't live at home anymore) but I can't get on track alone and they've got enough to worry about and their patience is finite, too. They say it's a phase, but I can't even remember not feeling this way, it's been years! And I don't know how to get out of that "phase", well, theoretically it's easy, but you have to be willing to keep it up and I just can't even find the strength to try to begin. Everything I do or don't do is a reason to feel bad. Maybe I like feeling bad? Maybe I want to be pitied and taken care of? How STUPID is that?! Why?! Help! And even here...everyone is here because they feel bad more often than they should/all the time. I'm so sorry for you all and I'd like to be able to help and sometimes I may have some sensible ideas for you and I mean them! But how can you take someone seriously who gives advice to people with far more experience and then can't make any use of their own advice? Stupid! And then there are people I'd like to like me + I'd like to be an interesting person to talk to. But 1) I'm afraid of other people and talking, 2) I'm too absorbed in miserable thoughts and self-hatred and too self-conscious to be part of a conversation, 3) the time I could and should spend learning and studying I spend hating or distracting myself...great! I can't even get myself to do things which I know make me feel better, because they have in the past. But then, I can't really remember...because there is nothing to remember but discomfort. I don't really have a reason to feel this bad. I have a nice family, I have food and a roof above my head, I was good in school, but now it just seems I have unlearned learning. I can't anymore. I don't know what to do. Any decision I make...I change my mind constantly, usually surrendering to the voice telling me it's no good. I don't know what to do... Nothing I do is good enough, not for me. Often I feel, I just want to end it all. Of course I won't... Not being serious is one more reason to feel bad. Me me me. Horrible!View Thread
I am new to the group.So please don't laugh or judge... but I take it this community doesn't have that kinda.background. I'm a 34 year old Single (boyfriend of 7 years )..yes I know..lol..Full time employed hard working women that moved back in with my mother to help pick up her pieces. I feel I an good at my job which gives me pride however dealing with my mental Ill mother Dailey on top of my job,love, and social life can get very overwhelming. I don't have children yet but my mother always told me to never have kids ..I know I would like to just have a family period.I drive home from work and cry sometimes thinking why didnt I listen to gut instinct last time I got pregnant and decided It was the right time I feel now I'm 34 the past decisions.I thought were good for me are hurting me now. Do you ever feel something you thought in your heart of hearts would be the reason for your depression..?View Thread
I hope there is someone out there. I am making a plan to kill myself. I lost my best friend.....she stopped...
Posted by An_263168
I hope there is someone out there. I am making a plan to kill myself. I lost my best friend.....she stopped being friends and I have NO friends. I have lost my brother & sister to Alzheimer. It looks like my brother barely knows who I am. I am soooo angry, his own wife put him in a Nursing Home. I dont and cant forgive her.View Thread
Hello, I have a friend I talk to online (we've never met in person) who I think may have some sort of...
Posted by anonymous
I have a friend I talk to online (we've never met in person) who I think may have some sort of depression. He hits or has hit every note in the list of symptoms here http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression#1 except, thankfully, for any sort of suicidal indications. Specifically, what worries me are these habits of his:
-Apologizes for an absurd amount of things for which I'd never imagine need apologizing -Falls asleep on accident very easily, usually doing it every day when he just lies down to take a rest from sitting -Feels guilty about asking his parents for anything for his birthday (he lives at home still; he's nineteen years old) -Doesn't seem to have fun with video games when he used to play them all the time
My question is, in the event he does have depression, how can I get him help? I don't think he'd take the initiative to ask to be taken to a doctor or therapist himself, and while I would ask him to make sure of that, I still don't know if he actually needs to. Of course, not only do I have zero experience with clinical depression, but it's still hard to tell because we only ever communicate through text. Do you think I should just direct him to these boards and ask him to post here?View Thread
Well.. where to start. I've been diagnosed with depression for a while, and it's been a peaks and valleys thing for a while, not made any easier by the fact that I am less then regular (in fact, I would say, I'm regularly less then regular) about taking my citalopram.. but things got worse over the past couple years. Several hospitalizations for various health issues unrelated to the depression (Leg/GI issues) Arthritis in the hip and knee which currently has me out of work, which I'm currently fighting with the disability company. Weight, which exacerbates the issues above. A combination of all of the above has made me pretty much a virtual shut in, as I find I'm unable to do things in the past which I enjoyed (bowling for example as an exercise).. I spend a lot of the time just sitting in my room, trying to "Shut out the world", so to speak, doing random things to try to pass the time. This becomes a vicious cycle, as I lose interaction with others, I become less adept at interacting with others face to face, which just reinforces avoidance of interacting with others. Right now, I'm at the stage where.. well, the old saying is "Step 1 is admitting you have a problem". I would add a corollary to that. "Step 1A is believing you can find a solution to your problems". Right now, even though I'm seeing a counselor weekly, it's.. difficult. My.. I guess you can say self-image is at an all-time low, and the only thing worse then having a problem is looking at it and believing that you CAN not fix it.
Not will not, CAN not. That any change you try to make will fail, so why even try? I was encouraged by my brother to seek out discussion to try to.. well, a) get things out and B)get support. So, therefore, this post. Anyway, enough rambling. Thanks for providing a space I can type out what I'm going through.. get it in Black and White, so to speak.View Thread
Thank you for being supportive of others, including me, even though you have your own life struggles. People who reach out to help others through their own pain give me hope for the world. Thank you for being here!
I also want to extend thanks for everyone else who does the same thing. Thank you to everyone who is supportive and helpful. It keeps me coming back to do what I can to help too. You are all awesome!View Thread
Struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life since about 10 years old 38 now. As a kid I just acted out in anger and crying it was terrible and I missed out on my normal development because of it. Just lookin forward and trying to recognize my destructive reactions and behaviors that I can change for the better.View Thread
another bout of depression will come and go I will give it time and when it reaches its summit I will succumb momentarily have a laugh force myself into my rituals knowing God knows what pain im going through ask for forgiveness detach enjoy a cup of coffee and continue living by principles aiming for a vision
"Be in this world as if you were a stranger or a traveler"View Thread
I have been in the military near 14 years now and I have deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan 7 times throughout my career. I feel that no matter how much the military swears the stigma against seeking help is not relevant, that in the end, that's BS. With the drawdown in full swing, people like me are exactly who they want out, so anonymous web postings will be my outlet for the time being.
I have a support job in the military, and have not seen any serious combat time. As such, I feel it is wildly inappropriate to claim PTSD for my issues. The general consensus in the military is that only grunts who have been in firefights, IEDs, etc. can realistically claim PTSD. Maybe that's my own self loathing, but ask any grunt, they'll confirm that's how it is and I am a worthless "POG" who should F-off, and quit whining.
My issues are these: I am never at peace, or happy, because I am always experiencing one of three emotions. I am either chronically worried about any number of things to the point that I cannot focus, and inherently cannot enjoy life. I find myself angry and volatile at even the smallest things. My dogs, sh***y drivers, my wife's chronic nagging, my job, just to name a few triggers of my constant anger. When I don't worry or have explosive fits of anger, I feel depressed. During calmer moments I am filled with self loathing and occasional self pity. But more often than not, the self loathing. Case in point, refer back to my status as someone in the service.
As a support guy, I don't feel my contributions are worthy of recognition. I never saved a life, I never killed the enemy, I just show up to work. And even that draws my self hatred. I don't think I'm very good at my job. I have decent enough annual evaluations to suggest otherwise, but I still don't feel as though any positive interaction is warranted. I see my fellow servicemen and women wearing the metal bracelets with the names of fallen comrades that they wish to honor. I've known folks who died in theater; I've been friendly with them, but not close enough to call my personal friend though. That combined with a sense of "I'm not worthy enough to honor them" has kept me from ever wearing a wristband. How can I commemorate someone when I am not very good? It is such that when I do get out of the military I feel like I shouldn't tell anyone I was ever in. I don't think I was worthy of the service. I feel as though I am somehow slipping through the cracks...until I'm not. What happens when they find out I think I'm a piece of s***, will they kick me out?
I feel as though I've let down my family because I am a joyless person. I have a beautiful baby girl and another baby on the way and I wonder how can I set a good example when I don't feel good about myself? Why do I get so angry, and how do I control it in front of them? Thankfully, my inner weakness limits my anger to shouting and extreme mental fatigue. I have never, and will never, hit my wife, family members, or harm myself because of my anger. But I want to just stop getting angry. I want to stop being depressed and feel so little all the time. I want to stop worrying that I may lose my job, or that something might happen to my family while I'm gone, and I want to stop feeling like I am worthless. I provide for my family and I don't run around behind their backs, so why do I feel like such a burden. Ive felt this way in school even before the military, so I don't think the deployments are the cause. Especially with such uneventful deployments.
In any case, I was hoping there are vets out there who can empathize with what I'm going through and maybe explain why I feel the way I do. I don't want pity, just to understand why I feel this wayView Thread
I have officially hit rock bottom. The woman I live with, someone with whom I had made many long-term plans, suddenly said today she is a loner. She thinks I can do better than her & hopes I will. I have told her I don't want someone else, but this has happened before & I guess maybe I have to accept it. The trouble is she makes me feel guilty. I offered to help around the house rather than go to a movie. Then, she is upset I went to the movie, although she said she needed no help. I asked her to go to the movie. She said "no" without even asking what movie or suggesting another plan. She has basically said once I have enough money, I should move out. I can't deal with this. One day we're fine, the next day she seems to despite me. It's an emotional roller coaster that makes my depression much worse. I wish she had told me when we met, three years ago, that she was a loner. I envisioned a future & now I can look forward to loneliness again, living in a stupid, little apartment, basically being thrown to the curb. I guess it must be me. I fight depression, but it hasn't seemed to hurt our relationship. Despite some bad times lately - perhaps I sensed this coming - I was fairly happy during our time together. I guess I'll have to be alone again, which totally freaks me out. It's all slamming into me & I don't know if I can face this again, especially now that I'm retired. I am basically worthless & dislike myself. I am a good person, but it seems people sense that & use it as a weakness. I guess I must deserve all this or it wouldn't be happening. Sorry, I try to be somewhat positive & help others, but I am unable to help myself right now. I don't know if I have the ability to start again.View Thread
I woke up today rationally feeling good about my GREAT progress that is only transparent to me and my therapist and doctor but lacking a community that would understand and could offer me the empathic support and intimate touch for my spirit. It is lonely despite having friends and it is not because of the depression I think It is just how the rapid paced life is.
It is lonely when you are 30 and single but I do not want this feeling to drag me down from where I am today.
Overcoming major symptoms of a Chornic major depression with dissociation and anxiety attacks that were there progessing for 10 years was not an easy task to do alone for an ambitious career oriented person.
It required faith alot of faith and acceptance. And a maturation to say No and decide for therapy and career change. And not to feel threatened by wasted career opportunities.
I woke up telling myself I need a community to share my story and listen how others are coping. The sad truth is that I have to accept that this is a thing that I have to deal with by coping strategies and learning and unlearning behaviours and patterns of thinking for almost a life time.
It is a major factor in the equation of my life and the more I am sensitive on how to deal with my inner thoughts and emotions and the degree of stress and commitments I would empose on myself the more it gets better and my function imporves.
The more I accept the lack of control on my life the more I am able to lead it effectively. It is a paradox.
Hello, It has been over five years since I have posted on here. That doesn't at all mean that I abandoned everyone. I still follow communications here.
Yesterday was the 28th anniversary of the day my wonderful Grandfather passed away, AND was also the day that my ex-wife decided to come home and told me she didn't love me anymore and was moving out and taking our children. She told me that I was too emotional and materialistic.
I honestly feel like that day was the day that my life ended. So much of what I cared about was ripped out of my life. I stayed close to my children and have good relationships with them and their spouses. I get to spend time with my three grandchildren and enjoy it to no end.
I still have this huge gaping hole of what my life was supposed to be, you know being there every morning for when my kids got up and off to school. Every night hearing how their day went. Seeing those smiling faces that are the absolute light of my world. Christmas morning seeing what santa left. This was all ripped away from me and for no good reason. My ex decided she didn't love me anymore and ripped it all away from me and then tried to bad mouth me over the course of the next 16 years. At one point she told me she wished I were dead so her abusive husband could be their dad.
My kids both have nothing to do with their mother anymore. She didn't come to my son or my daughter's weddings. AND, yet it really bothers ME. I should be celebrating that they made that wise choice, but I feel bad for my ex-wife now knowing what she is missing and what I felt for those 16 horrible years.
I guess what I am saying is that this was 28 years ago and it feels like it JUST happened! I feel like I missed out on so much of my children growing up, Even though I talked to them every day, went to almost all after school activities, music, sports, scouting, etc.
I really feel like I have PTSD from this as it was an extremely traumatizing time in my life.
Medication and counseling has helped me deal with some of my depression and anxiety, but it just doesn't help me when dealing with this.
Any suggestions on how I can get over this horrible trauma? Every year at May 17th, I have a huge struggle to deal with the day. This year was exceptionally hard.
I am ABSOLUTELY and COMPLETELY out of my mind over this. The black depression is here and is looking to suck me completely into the black hole. I feel the demons are just out of sight, but I can sure hear them.
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