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I grew up in a small town in the mid-west. We never really had much and I always wondered how I would get out of that slump. I had considered joining the military but, health issues stopped that idea.
I then kind of gave up and spent my time with friends not caring about my future. I never got into drugs, drinking, or breaking laws, but... I did end up pregnant at 16. I got married, had my first son, and then went back to high school and got my diploma. I then ended up spending 5 years with this man while he physically and mentally abused me.
I finally got away from him and met up with another man. I ended up pregnant again, and then again a year after the second one. All the while being with someone physically abusing me again. I sincerely thought this was just going to be my way of life.
After a total of 10 years of abuse, I decided it was time to move on, so... I met someone new where... Yup... More physical abuse... Not to me this time, my children. At the time I found out what was going on, I was also diagnosed with a rare lung disease, Sarcoidosis. I was sick all the time and scared as all get out.
I ended up during that time getting to know my biological father who lived out west. With my health failing and everything else, I moved out west. The father of my oldest son was still in the picture and a great father to my oldest son, I gave my oldest son the decision to move with me or move to his fathers. He chose to move to his fathers home, which tore me up mentally, but felt I was giving him what he wanted, and I knew he had a great father. (He only abused me, never my son)
My two youngest sons and I moved West and my health was ok, but still not great. I ended up getting a great job and meeting the love of my life! However, we started noticing how my biological father and step mother showed a LOT of favoritism towards my youngest child and pushing my middle son away. We did not see them as good role models for my children so, we moved away.
After yet another move, my middle son really started acting out with drugs, vandalism, back-talking, etc... After a while, at age 16 he ranaway with a married mother, age 22 with 2 small children. The police were no help at all and I basically had a breakdown.
My boyfriend decided it was time to move back home with the family I grew up with. Since then, my depression has just ruled my life. Moving back home was supposed to help me, but, it really did not. It was nice to get to spend more time with my oldest son again though. (We always maintained a great long distance relationship but was awesome to be back in the same town as him.)
I was let go from my job and again I was taking another hit. My middle son finally started keeping in touch with me after running away, but we only speak through text and it is not very frequent. He is just living in a bad situation with his father that is not a good role model at all. My youngest son moved across the country to be with his girlfriend he met online. My oldest son got married and then they had our first grandbaby but we feel as if his wife does not like us as they keep their distance and it really hurts.
I feel as if I was a terrbile mother that all my children just wanted to run away from. With the depression, my health is failing, and I cannot seem to find normalcy. The only normalcy I have is my husband. He is truely my rock and one of the only things holding me together. My parents are aging and having problems that weigh on my heavily. Most days I just feel like giving up. I am overweight, I do not feel pretty at all, I cannot find work, & I do not have close friends.
I am at least now seeing a therapist, and have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I have been on several medications that I have had to stop due to them not working or bad reactions. I know I have to help myself before others can help me.
Thank you for reading...
Peace, Love, & Hugs...