I agree with you. Trying to keep up with him I have started thinking like him. I am slipping into depression myself. I am going to start therapy immediately or I fear I will loose whatever it is that I have.View Thread
I think we are all living a very similar kind of life. Being compassionate, following therapy, being blamed for what is not our fault, feeling like single parents, trying medication and therapy, et.al. I think we need to look outside of ourselves. I recently encountered two more couples having marital issues and none of the four individuals was depressed!?!
It had me wondering. Is marriage itself a game of compromise and misunderstanding? Is everyone having similar problems? Or I am having some unique issues. The problem is that we are a result of what we live with also. So over the years we have grown in this relationship and find ourselves missing out. But is not everybody missing out?
This is not to say that depression in a spouse is common place. But there are some things that are not specific to us alone. Others are also missing out. But yes, somethings we are encountering only because our spouse is depressed. We have to find those specific things and deal with those. For instance, I personally feel that everything that goes wrong is blamed on me. I find that so irritating and very peculiar to my case.
In my coping mechanism, I find that I have cut myself out. There are somethings I am not involved in and do not get involved in. There are some geographies that are only fine, in which I do not involve my spouse at all. These are my breathing holes. I want to stay in this marriage but if I did not have this oxygen I would suffocate. I get tired of being blamed for doing the right thing, I dont think I will ever be able to get him to see that I am right. I find that frustrating, but I have decided that I will live by what I think is right and not by what is right by my spouse.
I do not know if I make much sense but I feel we should not fall into self pity.View Thread
Replying to this chain of discussion. I empathise with the burden that someone with depression feels they are carrying. But I want to bring the point that the spouse is always told to be "compassionat". In the name of being compasionate after a while you are a door mat, then a punching bag, ignored, lonely and ultimately angry. In the end you say that where is the compassion for me and how much compassion is expected from me. You are humiliated, abused and feel like a rag.
Is this the time to give up? You are heading towards depression or worse yourself. Is it fair to be treated like this? Your spouse is depressed, can't take responsibility and hates the fact that you can cope! You want to run away and tell him carry your own burden and I don't care. Beleive me, if she does that the whole world will abandon you as well. It is easy to stand on the sidelines and tell someone else to be "compassionate"; but when the time comes no one will take the responsibility.
Taking your medication and doing therapy is critical to your survival. I empathise but I beleive after a while the spouse needs more care and appreciation that the depressed ever did.View Thread
No you are not alone. I think we all go through this feeling. Where if you do you are sunk and if not even more sunk. But we do need to know when we are right and I have now started asserting myself. My children now ask why I don't just give in "for peace". I tell them that they are now old enough to understand and I feel that if I keep giving in I am giving up a part of myself. Also that they need to know what is wrong and what right- so if I give in even when I am right then they will learn that that is wrong.
The loneliness is huge and one of the things that we need to overcome. That is how I found this blog. But you need a friend who listens and does not judge.
You are lucky in one way- you had the companionship at one time - I never did, so one less thing to loose.View Thread
I feel like I am living a loosing battle. I give in to most things becuase I do not want to fight about it. And then I feel miserable about it. I debate and convince myself that what is happening is better for my son- he does not need to see so much discord and debate. At other times I feel is it fair to me that I give in and feel humiliated; is it good for my son to see that his mother is "unequal" and humiliated. Will later in life he say; that she did not stand up for me; or that she is a lesserr human being; or will he understand and appreciate or will he decide his mother is confused she gives to one thing but fights for the other. The most difficult is that words are put in my mouth and the things I did not say or mean are implied and i am made to apologise for these. Also I do not know where I stand- one a good day it is treated as a joke and forgotten on a day he is feeling low it is an issue. The latter are somethings we have learnt to identify. But on those days if I give in to everything then i will be giving mixed messages to my son. Sometimes I think I should stand up for what is right but the price for this is so lonely and high that I wonder if it is worth it. I keep telling myself that I should become thick skinned and ignore and I can't. I will slip into depression myself if I continue. Will someone tell him!View Thread
I admire you. I would agree with you too. It is like killing a part of you everyday. You change, your personality changes, your values and beliefs change and ultimately you start wondering if it is worth it.
But, I look at the world around me and I feel that there is something wrong inthe way we have decided to live. We are alone and thus lonely. I can identify more and more depressed souls. I realise that there are more depressed men than women- this might be because they have to live with the fact that now women are also competing with them as near equals. Nonetheless, we will have to either learn to live with depressed people or change the way we live.View Thread
I am tempted to say "run for your life". Let me give it to you straight- You are never strong enough for this. You are only at the begining, if this is not a momentary thing and stays with him for life, it is part of your life. It is very very difficult to continue to love someone despite his hating you at times. You will wonder who is the real person- the one who is depressed or the one who snaps out of it every now and then. Children suffer too, they grow up real fast and learn how to handle the moods; when to ask for what? when not to say a particular word? And then they tell you how to deal with the situation.View Thread
It is refreshing to hear from a man his story of living with a depressed wife. I however, feel that there is a difference here from living with a depressed husband. Somehow the gender balance is such that the wives look to the man for approval and a depressed husband is able to convince you, that you are the "wrong". Slowly it undermines your self worth and confidence.
I say this as after reading your posting, I feel that you have a sense of balance and maturity that you have been able to maintain the last 30 years. But when I look at myself in the same situation I find that at times I am loosing my balance and slowly slipping into depression myself. In the middle of a depressive episode I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. At such times the good times seem like a mirage.View Thread