Have you said to your family "I don't deserve this treatment, I won't put up with it anymore. I am a human being and I deserve to be treated as one." Or is that even an option? I keep "hearing" so much despiar in your posts, like you don't feel like you have the ability to help yourself. Maybe I'm wrong with that. But I have felt that way before. It's important to know it's not true though, you DO have the ability to help yourself, but you need to find some way to stand up and stop taking other people's abuse.View Thread
I've felt that way far too many times in the past so I totally hear you. All of you, posting on this thread, actually. Sometimes when I am feeling better I see the solution so I wanted reach out to you with an asnwer I have found.
I'm convinced that a lot of depression and suicidal feelings comes from a sense of powerlessness.
If all a person does is go to work and then sit in a chair after they get home and do nothing but passive entertainment, why would they want to stay alive? The answer isn't death, though. The answer is to bring some meaning to that life. Why waste the investment of time and resources that went into raising you, by not contributing anything? Contributing to the world doesn't have to be huge and extravagant and expensive and tiring.
Contributing to the world can be as simple as offering a few words of support on a depression board. Writing an email to a friend. Trying a hobby you haven't given yourself the time to try before. Caring for a few tomato plants in a window box.
Later, as you take these first small steps, you can move on to bigger things. Taking walks. Volunteering. Fixing things, making things, writing, cooking, giving to charity, moving to a job that fits you better, becoming a better partner to your spouse.
In the meantime look at the little ways you have a ripple effect. A genuine smile at a checkout line, for example, can brighten so many people's days. It's a dark, depressing world we live in. Everybody seems to want us to give up and be passive. Do we give in to that, or do we fight, in tiny ways at first, and then more as we gain ground?
Okay, I'll step off my soapbox now, and go practice what I preach... You definitely aren't alone.View Thread
You have some good questions, there, and I'm glad you are asking them. You could just be processing through what you have seen and thinking about it, "trying the idea out" in a sort of way to see how it fits. It sounds like the idea of suicide didn't fit because you are still here. I'm glad! You still have a future and don't have to start from scratch. You have a family that loves you and that's great too.
It sounds like suicide wouldn't seem so nice if your life was better. Well, I can tell you it's a lot easier to make your life better then start over from the beginning. Yes, it sounds like you are depressed... but is it from stress? Worry? Fear? Social pressure? Something you can't even name? This is a hard time to live through.
Why not start by writing your feelings down here? We will listen, and we won't judge, and no one will know who you are so you can be honest. Thank you for being considerate in the way you posted. I can tell you are an intelligent, thoughtful person. The world is cruel to that kind of person, but trust me, we need all we can get.
It can be fixed, but it does take some commitment. I'm working on that myself. The first thing to do is look at your environment and see what might be contributing to your depression. See if you can do anything to improve that. Then do a little reading online about ways to manage anxiety and depression... there are a lot of good techniques out there. Find something you are drawn to. Sometimes the tide can be turned by deciding you don't want to live this way. Sometimes it can help to decide that you are your own first priority, and begin taking back control. Also, there are online support communities like this one where you can vent and get support.
You are supporting eight people and you don't have a friend? I would feel exhausted too! I personally would also feel depressed, and angry, and more than a little betrayed. You are normal for feeling that way! Don't accept this as your lot in life. Can you ask for help? Or let them know how you are feeling, so you can show them how it affects you? Even getting a tiny bit of control can really help.
If you are still reading this, I care. I may not know you but I see that you are hurting and I wish I could make it better. Will you talk about why you are feeling this way? Maybe that will help.View Thread