Hi. You guys have helped answer a lot of my questions and I really appreciate it. This one may be more tricky, since the situation is beyond my control.
Starting in 2000, I was seeing a wonderful psychiatrist. She was the only one smart enough to diagnose me with ADD, and treated me for depression and anxiety, although those weren't the main problems, at the time.
I saw her for approx. 8 years, and in Dec. 2008, she left her practice and moved out of state. I haven't found a replacement yet! She wrote a letter to my MD or DO, informing her of the situation, asking that she continue prescribing my meds, and that I am actively pursuing another shrink (I hate the word, but can't spell psychiatrist every time, so excuse me) She agreed and over a period of time, I developed a great rapport with her. If I had a problem, she'd call me after hours and actually spend an hour with me on the phone. I really liked her a lot.
Suddenly, about a year and half ago, she passed away from colon cancer. I knew she had some medical problem, but never knew what or that it was terminal. Not only did I lose a great lady, but again I was without a doc.
To make a long story short, I am seeing an MD, who at least has some knowledge of mental illnesses, depression, anxiety, etc. and isn't afraid to prescribe. Since Oct. I've been on Effexor, Celexa and Welbutrin, which I take now. The first 2 did nothing and the Welbutrin helpss a bit but I'm sure I should feel better than this.
Bottom line, I've been trying to find another shrink for 3 years, without success. I'm begining to think she was the only one in Wisconsin. My insurance is Medicaid, (not Medicare), so basically I'm on the bottom of the list of providers.
About a year ago, they had me see a therapist for a while, and then through her I could get a referral to the one shrink they had at the clinic. I went to her once, and all she did was bring up issues that happened 15 years ago, and wanted to take me off the Ritalin I take. I was outraged that someone who spent 1/2 an hour with me could make all these judgments, and I didn't go back. I told the therapist and apparently there was no one else.
I've called every clinic, every agency, etc. and my doctors have all tried to suggest places to call. Most of them don't have shrinks on staff, just ptherapists or counselors, which is fine, but I need someone who can prescribe.
I'm out of ideas, and this situation is ridiculous that a person can't find mental health help because they don't have "the good" insurance.
Does anyone have any ideas, suggestions, advice or live in the Madison, WI area and know someone. I'm really getting desperate, because I know my MD can only do so much. Then I'm SOL.
I need help and can't get it. That's a new twist, usually people don't want the help and everyone is trying to help them.
I appreciate the suggestion, but that is exactly where I'm getting the run around from. They have about 3 mental health providers, and it's a big long song and dance to actually see a psychiatrist. First you must make an "intake" appointment. If your're lucky you get one this year. After that, if they decide you need help, they refer you to a therapist. I spent about 8 months with her before I got a referral to the shrink and had to wait another 4 or so months to see her.
Within 10 minutes of the appointment, she already decided to take me off Ritalin and brought up some other issues that happened 15 years ago. I love these paper trails. I've been misdiagnosed so often, but all they read is alcohol and substance abuse and they cannot see past that.
I did not go back, because I don't think anyone can make judgments and assesments about me in 10 minutes.
This is what I get when I call the Medicaid office, or number that's associated with it. It's just as bad for dental care too.
The whole thing sucks, and I'm really getting tired of being the one who gets screwed because of the "system."
I bet if I walked into any friggin office with a pile of $100 bills in my wallet, it would sure be a different story. You can't pay, you don't play! That should be my new mottoView Thread
I'm curious what you meant by "finished psychotherapy." Who waved a magic wand and suddenly cured your depression? Yes, I would find someone else, perhaps a psychiatrist, because maybe antidepressants will help. Oftentimes, there are just the thing that gives people the motivation to begin life again.
When I go into episodes of being seriously depressed, I am exactly like you. The most I can handle some times is staring mindlessly at the TV. Washing dishes, laundry, everything is too overwhelming and difficult. Then my husband gets mad, accusing me of "checking out of the world" for a week, or whatever. After 23 years, he still doesn't get it, I don't enjoy this. I'm not lazy, unambitious, etc. but when depression strikes it's a different story.
You're 19, so moving out and being on your own is an exciting, yet fearful thought for anyone. Suddenly you must be an adult and be responsible for bills, feeding yourself and so on. It's not all that it's cracked up to be. You have no idea how often I wish I didn't have all the responsibilities I have, etc.
I'm quite a bit older than you, 56, and my youngest son will be 19 soon. Take it slow. When you're fighting this depression, it's no time to make other life altering changes. You can move out any time, so get yourself healthy first, then think about what's next.
If you want a job, why not a part-time job, something that you would enjoy and make some money doing? If you jump into the deep end, full-time job, living on your own, etc. at this point, when you are feeling like this, I guarantee it will get much worse.
What about school? Take a class, something you enjoy and you'll get credit for it as well.
It sound like part of the problem may be that once you got out of high school (I'm assuming you graduated high school) you didn't really have a plan for what's next. That's not good. I never made plans, floundered around most of my life. Had multiple marriages, tons of jobs, but never had a direction or found anything I wanted to "be when I grew up." The problem was I was already over 40 years old!
Part of the issue was I had undiagnosed ADD for 45 years, which made my life a mess also, but once that was diagnosed and I was put on the right meds, I could focus on a direction.
I went back to school, online in 2005 and just graduated in 2010. I always loved writing, so they say do what you love to do, so now I am a freelance writer. I have no boss telling me what to think. I'm happier doing this, even though I can't say I'm making a living. Hopefully it will come because I owe $140K in student loans.
So, my advice is do not wait until you are 30, 40, or 50 before you figure out what you want in life. You have the time now to think about it, experiment, see what you like or are good at. You'd be surprised. Don't and I repeat don't set goals that you can never reach. I did that too, it was either all or nothing. If you take baby steps you will succeed. No one said you have to do it all now.
Find another doctor, get more therapy, because you're not finished and whoever said so should be shot. If you can afford it, hire a life coach. If only I had the money!!
The first thing is to get yourself feeling better, then your ambition will return. Just take it day by day. Don't be in such a hurry to be an adult, it aint all that!
Come back here and keep writing, we'll help and support you too. We all have been there.View Thread
I totally understand what you were saying, and you know, the more depressed I was, the more poetry I wrote. I don't write poetry any longer, but that has nothing to do with depression, I just happen to do other kinds of writing. At least I can't vent.
The writing is good. Get it all out, put your darkest feelings down on paper, but I hope you aren't serious about acting on them. If nothing else, think of your babies.
I'd been very suicidal for a good part of my life, never took any action, but planned and talked about it a great deal. 10 years ago someone I was very close to killed himself, and I have never felt pain like that in my life. Grief is a whole different ballgame than depression. It's overwhelming, all-consuming, and you don't know what to do, where to turn.
I used to sit outside in the middle of the night, looking up at the sky, hoping, begging, then daring him to come to me. (I do believe in spirts all all that stuff) After all we were to eachother I couldn't believe that he never came through to me. John Edward always seemed to bring closure and some peace to the living. I wanted it too, but never, not once in the 10 years have I felt his presence with me.
My point is, from that day on, I put the suicide thinking away. I don't care how bad my life would get, and it has, I could never, ecer, ever put my kids through what I felt. It's unforgivable. I changed my entire tune about suicide and feel it's a cowardly act, and a selfish one, because the people who are left here, feel pain more than any depressed person could feel. Trust me.
Live for those babies. Keep getting help and screw whomever says otherwise. Keep writing here and we will help and support you as well. We all understand what you're going through,and there's not a thought you mentioned that most of us haven't felt, so we have to lean on each other. Sometimes that's all we have, but sometimes it's all we need.View Thread
I feel your pain. Seriously. I can't speak for everyone else, but I'm sure most people who've been seriously depressed, etc. had and/or have those feelings at times. I certainly have!
Do you mind if I ask how old you are? I'm assuming you're female, just from how you express yourself, but at times like puperty,and menopause these conditions seem to get worse. I don't know if it was a coincidence, but as I went through the change, my depression and anxiety worsened, a lot. I think part of that has to do with feeling older and all that, but maybe you are young, so I won't focus on that subject.
You say you're on 4 meds, which means you are obviously seeing a doctor. Does he or she know how you feel? Come clean with them, because in the long run they have the ability and expertise to help you the most.
I know I got to the point where all the "talk therapy" in the world, natural remedies, or even talking to people who have been there, didn't help anymore. I needed antidepressants, if only to motivate me to care. My family is clueless about these things. They think I'm lazy, weak or just need a kick in the ass. When I'm real depressed and can't get out of bed, my mother used to tell me to "shake it off!" Don't these idiots think if we could we would, but my husband thinks I enjoy this. I'm beginning to think he's the crazy one, not me!
Friends....hmmmm, don't really have any. Due to my depression and situations in my life, I didn't have much to say that was positive. I even told some people why I haven't been in touch because I have nothing good to say and don't want to inflict my mood on them. Of course they all said, we're your friends, we understand. Then they told my husband they can't stand being around me because all I do is bitch and moan. So, who needs them.
Do you have any hobbies, or just things you enjoy, simple things, like reading, doing crafts, etc. I won't say go take a class, because I thought that would help me, but I never showed up. My problem is I get very intimidated by people who lead normal lives, live in houses, have jobs and can afford things. I've been beyond broke for years, which contributes to my depression, and am sick and tired of feeling inferior, because they have more money than I do. But that's the way people judge you. You meet someone and what is the first thing they ask? What do you do? Meaning, how much money do you make? It sucks.
I'm 56, just earned my degree in 2010. BFD, it made no difference about getting a job. Sorry, I got off the subject.
You know what still calms me down, and this will sound so funny. I buy the biggest box of crayons I can find, and coloring books, and go to town.
Also, I write. I happen to be a freelance writer so I'm always writing, but I do get to vent quite often. Write your feelings down, then pull them out six months from now and see how you've changed.
I always felt inadequate to everyone, starting as a small child, becaue I got bad grades and the kid across the street got As. I was shy and wanted to be invisible.
the older I got, the more I realized I am NOT stupid and proved that with the 3.7 GPA I graduated with.
You are NOT stupid. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. It's hard to see the good when you feel so bad. Come here, because we care about you, I do, or I wouldn't be spending this much time writing this. Let us be your support. I'll give you my email if you want to talk one on one. I don't want you to feel like this because it sucks and you deserve better. So let us help you help yourself. OK. One day you'll look back and laugh.View Thread
No talk about taking your life. Do you have family? Friends? I'm sure you have people who love and care about you. When my friend killed himself, I never felt such pain in my life, (and I've been through a lot of heartache) I didn't even know such grief existed. Before that I was rather suicidal, but there is no way that I could ever put my family, my kids through what I went through - and these are my own kids. I had no relation to this person, so think about that. It changed me real quick.
Your boss sounds like she's the one with the problems, not everyone else. If 20 people already hate her, it won't be long until she gets the axe. If people are so intimidated by her or whatever, she is going to become a real big liability soon, and who ever is in charge will eventually figure it out. I know it's hard to wait it out, but sit back and watch the fireworks, because they will go off soon enough! Besides, one lousy boss is no reason to end your life.
I'm not trying to be rude or take anything away from what you said, but if you want to talk financial problems, I'll go head to head with anyone, anyday! Let's put it this way. I haven't earned enough money in the past 10 years to even file taxes. It's beyond disgusting, and because I couldn't find a job, I went and put myself $140K in debt, by going back to school. You'd thing I murdered someone, but all I did was try to get an education and better myself. That is the height of absurdities. I haven't had a day of peace in 20 years, since we moved to where we are now. It started right away and hasn't stopped. I couldn't make up some of the crap that's happened to us, because I never would have thought something like that could even be.
By the things that have happened, I must be the most awful person in the world, but the truth is, which is the worst part, I've given my last dime to others, and of course never got it back, never asked anyone for a damned thing. I've never been arrested, in jail, don't do drug, hardly ever drink, I'm intelligent, think about others, and whatever I do has good intentions behind it, so while I'm sitting hear getting my head beat against the wall, the rest of the pieces of crap, who only exist to take advantage, have ulterior motives and haven't done an honest thing in their lives, are the ones getting all the breaks. I don't know how to be mean and nasty. I wish I had some nasty pills, because when I get so mad at someone for taking such advantage of my kindness, I wish, just for a moment, they could get a little taste of it back. But my mind doesn't think nasty, and it's a real statement about society when that's what I need to do more of. Being nice, working hard, being a good person has gotten me exactly no where, so what do you think my kids see? It sucks.View Thread
What I was wondering is if the Abilify actually helped you, like they say it's supposed to? I'm assuming the Welbutrin didn't do the trick, so with the Abilify did you feel better?
You implied that you aren't taking it anymore, so has your depression come back again? Sorry for the million questions, but I'm so uncertain about what this drug has done to real people. You hear all kinds of stuff about the horrible side effects, but every drug has to disclose the worse case scenario.
As far as the Remeron goes, I've been hesitant to bring it up to my doc, because I know one of the most common side effects is weight gain. Well, I'm on a real bandwagon to lose at least 30 lbs, so I don't want anything that has the slightest chance of making me gain an ounce.
Hi, and thanks for the info. I heard there were some real funky side effect, which is why I was curious about other people's expereince. You've shed a lot of light and I will check out the link. Thanks much.View Thread
You said after your car accident things changed. Do you have any clue why? That is very strange, but I've seen stranger.
Do you have copies of your good evaluations? If so, that would be a great defense. Is there any way you can get a copy of your personnel file without this boss knowing? You can go directly to HR, and by law, are entitled to get a copy of your file. Then you'd have 19 years of positive evals, no problems, etc. and suddenly things change. I'd smell a big fat rat.
There are several things wrong with this picture, but having a similar experience, I know for a fact that many people, who outside of work are the most decent, upright, kindhearted citizens you'd ever meet, in business situations will do some of the most unbelievable unethical and horrible things.
I worked at a company, and came to work one Monday morning, was called into my supervisor's office, and told that (a former employee) who was someone I had been very involved with had died over the weekend. She didn't have many details, but I wouldn't remember had she. I walked out of there in half disbelief and the other half knowing it must be a bad dream. As the day wore on, I found out how this information got here. It was through his brother, who also had worked there, and still had some friends in the dept.
Needless to say, I walked around like a robot for several days, couldn't do any work, couldn't think, eat, sleep, breathe. I didn't know what to think since that's all the info. we had.
I wasn't even sure he was still in the same state, so I made a random call to our county's coroner's office, to ask how one would go about finding information on the alleged death of someone, if they weren't sure where it happened.
He asked me what the person's name was, and when I replied (names have been changed) John, he said Smith? I said yes, and the guy spilled his guts about how my guy had killed himself, when, what he did, there was a note, etc.
I wasn't ready to hear this, and basically went hysterical. I pretty much had a complete breakdown in full view of 400 people. Nice, huh?
Since I just couldn't shake it off and concentrate on work, they made me take a medical leave. I was off for about 2 months, then came back part time 2 hours a day, then 4, etc.
Here's the part that is really applicable. When I came back, you would have though I had killed this man. The entire time I was off two people called me, and even though I left messages for them, and emailed, I got no replies. I needed my "friends" for support.
It was so bad at work, they made me feel like at any minute I'd go off the deep end, so everyone walked around on eggshells. They barely let me work, because they didn't want to stress me out. It was as if I were the one who tried to kill myself!
People who were my good friends, wouldn't speak to me, then the real crap started. They began to look for reasons to get rid of me. They put up other people to check and recheck my work for any error. There were none. I wound up having to justify every breath I took, and yea, they were making me crazy.
I believe they realized what they did was so beyond anything that should have taken place at work, and wanted to get rid of the evidence, before "she" realized it and sued them blind. So, like you, they started making up things about me, writing down everything I did or didn't do. It was ridiculous. I was the victim here, but was treated like a criminal.
It wasn't bad enough I had to deal with his death, suicide, but when I needed support the most, one person was there. She was the only one who cried when she learned of his death, everyone else acted like, oh well. And they knew him. I was so disgusted, my attitude changed and I wasn't going to bust my ass anymore and let myself be fired. I got unemployment, but to this day I have no closure about his death nor know why these people turned on me. It was 10 years ago.
Talk to a lawyer. You need advice! Good luck.View Thread