For the reassuring replies.Since I posted this been in the numbing state,haven't talk or seen anyone.When the numbest wear off that's when feelings,emotions,anxiety and everything will come roaring back.
That's going to be my biggest challenge and I'm not sure how to deal with it all.So while there is no emotions attached to my feelings I will try to put together a coping plan.It can't hurt to add a bit of your coping skills.
Don't know what may happen cause once this storm hit it's going to be hell.I have no doubt that I will need help,just don't exactly what it is I need from people just yet.
Went to group and really didn't have that much to share.Mostly just sat there and listened to others.After I had a session with Dr.F cause I needed a one on one to get things off my chest.Felt like my heart was doing back-flips cause what I wanted to say was difficult.Basically I sick of all the back-paddling.I couldn't contain things no more and they were going to come somehow and I just wanted it to be in a control,safe place.Boy did I had things all wrong in this situation and F was so far from the truth as anyone could get.
That's when It dawned on me that he wasn't listening to me closely.I wasn't anger or anything before I walked in his office,just need help making sense of things.He seemed not to be there and was just making notes of something unknown to me at the moment.So when I got through talking there was a pause and then he asked if I was done.I said yes.
Then he stated that I was going to be place on a twenty-four hour hold.I was thrown into a state of confusion cause I couldn't understand how I got from talking about abuse to being put in a padded room.I knew it wasn't right but I went without any fuss cause I put in my that I wouldn't be seeing him again.When I spoke to him today his reason for doing it was from the way I looked seem to him like a dark and rumbling cloud was building up within me.He was way off the charts with his assumptions.At that point all my trust went out the window and I asked him,Is this what you're being paid $110 dollars an hour for?
I see that it's part of why there's unseen wounds and unhealed scars.People are not being listened to like they need to be and that's why so many turn to other things.If no one is listening or responding to me then why not do other things.That just makes things that more harder or I feel that much more alone.The pain I'm feeling,I'm dealing with it myself.I don't wanna feel like I'm forcing myself on anyone or be a bother for that matter.Part of why I keep so much in cause I'm not being told the naked truth which is NO ONE CARE AND I DON'T MATTER.I would prefer that if that's the case then come out and say it,don't have me chasing ghosts by pretending to care.
That just woke me up and I deserve it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is going to be the longest weekend of my life.View Thread
I wish I could tell you where to go from here but I can't.Cause I for myself don't have a clue either.I just was release from a twenty-four hour hold,when I wanted was for Dr.F to listen to me.A lot of that have been going on for me lately,getting people to listen or respond to me.I just chopped it up as not caring or wanna be bothered.
Never tried ETC so can comment on that issue.Sorry for all that you are going through and hope you can find someone or something to help you.It gets frustrating sometimes when you feel like there's no place left to turn too.
Wish I had some advice and sorry for rambling about my garbage.View Thread
This place is an emotional home for a lot that don't have any other outlet.The people find it easy to understand cause so many is going/gone through the same thing/s.So many have the same story and knows the struggles of everyday life when dealing with depression.
That stresser have been there for the past fourteen years.So there's nothing knew with that and I don't speak of it that much.I have gotten some grip about it's in the past so leave it there or just stay away from your suppose to be mom and maybe one day you'll find J.Everything that is buried don't stay buried and that's what I so confuse about.Behind the panic,emotions and agitation is rage.I get irritated when things come up and all I can hear in the back ground (LEAVE IT THE PAST).
The emotions I have don't correspond with the feelings that I feel.So instead of talking about it,I don't I just get high.Smoking bags up everything and put them to rest for awhile.I don't feel anything with the feelings or emotions that come to the surface.It numbs all of me from so I won't whine about my garbage of a life.
My disturbing dark side
Don't have to feel like a caged animal.
Is this the right about doing things no but it's my way.No I'm not suicide nor do I feel like hurting myself or anyone else.It's just how I've been dealing with things the past couple of days.View Thread
Thanks for reading and offering your words.It wasn't meant to be cryptic to anyone but it ended up being.I started with wanting to post my emotions but without coming out and saying what I really meant cause they were not good choices of words that I had in mind.Had a emotional flashback and got stopped in my tracks.And I stop writing from that point.
But love it's hard to determine what that word really mean after all.I keep people at arms reach and don't let anyone get close so that makes it difficult to give or receive anything from people.It's easy sometimes to get on here and speak my true feelings and emotions.It's all about exchanging words nothing physically at all and that's what makes this place easier to come too.I speak others listen,support and advise from their own point of view.
And most times that's enough for me and other times not. Just under a lot of stress and dealing with a lot,almost too much to handle.
I take meds for depression,sleep,anxiety and for other issues.It so happen that I got sidetracked and forgot to pick up my script.The meds that I'm on does what they are suppose to as far as things go.It took years to find this combo of meds and therapy and at times it still is hard when a person is dealing with more than one mental illness.
The sleep med is for when I'm in a internal battle with my system. With DID(disassociate identity disorder) The meds calms my system to the point where the body can relax and fall asleep.Going without sleep for more than two days can lead to trouble but that hasn't been the case lately.
I can tell you that the underline problem that leads to bad things doesn't stand with my meds for sure.And I've have big problems for a long time and it has nothing to do with my behavior or mental status.Which is the foundation for my anger but I try to direct it in a positive way.That's where group therapy comes in,I go three times a week and have been for months.
But you know you really can't tell what may happen on a day to day basis.
Glad to hear that your sleeping pattern has been gotten better but we still need at least eight hours of rest.Yes some meds can have a nasty effect on most people and I understand why they stay clear of them.
Everyone has to find what works for them and if what you are doing is working then stay with it.I'm on four meds right in order to be somewhat functional day to day.Today is one of those off days where I just tuck myself away from the world around me.
I know you say I'm not alone but I am alone in every possible way I can imagine.View Thread
Thanks for your input and words of advice.I dropped off my script and it should be ready in a couple of hours.When my system is in an uproar I can go for hours and sometimes days without sleep.Focusing on something works better with the the sleep med if not then I'll just keep popping up and down all night.
Without sleep I can get into some bad things or situations without thinking straight or twice. So hopefully tonight I'll get a full night's sleep or a few hours at least.I function a little more with sleep and less moody or angry. In my case I need a lot of it to be able to interact in my day to day life.
I'm keep my fingers cross and hope for a lot of sleep tonight.For me and whoever else needs some shuteye.