I can understand why other people tell you not to open that can of worms. but if YOU feel the need to tell them, it is YOUR life. How I or anyone else handles their depression is mutually exclusive from how anyone else should handle theirs. They are right in saying that most people dont really understand, they just think you can snap out of it or its not a disease...those are the people you dont have to tell. If you want to talk to your parents, siblings, etc. go for it. They should be there to support you, if they dont understand, that is no reflection on how they feel about you. Look at it this way, its like having a conversation with a rocket scientist. They can tell you how a rocket works or a satalite, but most of the information will go in one ear out the other. That doesnt make them or you less of a person. You just dont know the subject, if you educated yourself on the topic, the conversation would be better the next time...and i was not referring to you specifically Many people just dont understand depression, nor do they want to. They think seeing a therapist is witchcraft or something.
We all want/seek support in one form or another, sometimes its nice to have someone to talk to and vent and know they will love you just the same. I support your decision to tell your family and to explain to them, odds are they want the absolute best for you. The might not completely understand, but that's okay, you made the effort and they will see your sincerity.
How old are you now? What is it that you fear most about dying? We all have things we are afraid of, but fear is something that protects us from harm. If you are afraid of death, you have a phobia...and your not alone. Many people have a phobia towards death, but at the end of the day it is something that we are all going to have to deal with at some point or another in our lives. I am very sorry that you are going thru this struggle, but hang in there. Do you see a therapist or have anyone you can talk to so you can vent? And dont be afraid to break down and cry, when you do that, your dealing with those emotions and letting them out. Having a good cry, can actually be a very healthy thing. I have a very tough time with over coming my past and living in it, sounds like you do to. We cannot regret what we cannot change...the past is over and done with. From first hand experience i know this is much easier said than done, but the only thing we can change is the present and our future. Unless you have a flux-capaciter...
I just want to thank you for that completely absurd blanket statement. Im pretty sure we have all met some people who are selfish who are not depressed and some depressed people who are not selfish, same goes for the irresponsible portion too. I am glad you were able to over come your depression. But as you said, you have been depressed "enough times", so to me that means, you were depressed then happy, then depressed again. Being in a funk or having the blues, is completely different than being full on depressed. I'm sure there are many others in this group who would agree with me when i say, I have had depression once and it has lasted over 20 years. Unlike the person you described, I am a very caring and loving person and put others before me on a constant basis. Also, the majority of people who suffer from depression have tried the "fake it" approach, numerous times, with not much success.
Although I find it funny that you have put all your focus onto your daughter, which I totally commend. But one thing people who suffer from depression do, is to focus on something/someone else so they "forget" how depressed they are. Hence the reason I try to focus on making others happy, because I cant make myself happy. In doing so it takes my minds focus off of me...until that person/moment is gone and i get a second alone to think, then the cycle starts all over again.
Oh and thank you for pointing out that people with depression are unloveable and are meant to spend the rest of their lives alone.View Thread
I am sorry to hear that he is posting things like that and I know completely how you feel. Roh, makes a good point, he may just be venting. Like Roh, when i was at my lowest, the last thing i wanted to do was talk to someone about my problems...unless i had been drinking. Then it was game on and i got pretty low and said many things that i really regret and many things that i dont remember saying, that i really regret. But it was thru those "venting" moments that i really scared those around me and put them into action. That is really what made me want to get help, because the only reason i didnt go thru with anything was because of the thought...what would this do to my family?
Roh, has offered up some great advice, be gentle, be kind, be open. He may say somethings that really hurt you and odds are he doesnt really mean then, remember misery loves company, so he could be trying to bring you down so he doesnt feel alone.
The biggest thing about seeing a doctor is that you, have to be willing. It took me a while to really accept the fact, basically getting divorced, is what drove me to get help. But with out insurance its expensive, so that didnt last long, even though i was getting good advice and help. I took the next couple years off and was left to my own devices, which is never a good thing. In my case, sadly, it took a suicide attempt to get me back into therapy. but even then it took several months before i was ready and willing to tear down all my walls and open myself up and not leave any stone unturned.
Unfortunately, a lot of men, dont see the point or believe in therapy. We think we can just snap out of it! Well if that were the case, i would have snapped out of it a long long time ago. You are right not to be pushy, many times when we are having an episode, we are very closed off and antisocial. But after dealing with this illness for a long time, you learn to fake it pretty well. So you can be dying inside but still try to act happy. I agree, it sucks to feel like your walking on egg shells, because you never know what might make him crack, pardon the pun. It could be the smallest thing that can set someone off...one time i flipped out on an ex girlfriend because of how she squeezed the toothpaste tube! NO JOKE.
It's good to hear that you are taking care of yourself, you might learn some good coping skills that may also help your boyfriend. Does he have any hobbies? Maybe a mini vacation where you two can sort of go your seperate ways in the day and reconnect over dinner. He can play golf and you can relax at the spa. Just a thought, I know I would love it if a significant other did that.
I know you want him to get better and if you had a magic wand, you'd be waving it frantically im sure. Yes it will take time, but when you start to see those small improvements, make mention of it. A genuine compliment never hurts!
Sorry to hear about your health issues, especially combinded with being depressed. I know your just venting, but yes they are the world's problems and our countries problems...but they are not our personal problems. Im sure, you didnt do anything to effect what happened in Syria, Egypt, Bengazi, Iraq, Afghanistan...etal. And yes, stop watching the news, they focus on everything that is wrong and not a peep when someone does something great and if they do, its only a very brief piece.
My point is; control, what you can control. Your family, friends, health, etc. In all reality the world is going to be here for many more billions of years, long after we are dead and gone, no matter how much crap we do to the environment. We all have enough stress in our life as it is, we dont need to add to it, by worrying about what our "government" is doing. Because whatever it is and whomever is in office, odds are they are up to no good.
If the meds are working, you should probably talk to your doctor and see if they need to switch the meds or increase the dosage. Depending on how long have you been on the anti-depressents, your body could get used to them.
"Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff"
I'd like to say that I wish this was a recent revolation, but this has been something that has been haunting me for quite sometime. I have been dealing with depression for a long time, over 20 years. And as much as I want to "snap" out of it and move on in life, I cant seem to find the motivation to get started. I'll have moments when I am ready to make that change...the timing couldnt be worse most of the time. I am mostly likely at work and by the time i get off and am headed home, the motivation is gone. I have been seeing a therapist for a little over a year and I am making progress, although it is slow goings. But baby steps, are steps nonetheless. I have tried to goal setting thing, starting out small, to get the ball rolling so to speak. But my mind, just wont let it happen, i convince myself that the goal is unimportant or not worth my time and i dont complete it. I am typically a very competitive person and I have tried to apply that to setting goals, with not much success. On the other side of that coin, when i do set a goal that i really want to achieve, I make the goal so obscene that its unattainable. Or that the only way to achieve it would be thru perfection...which i know does not exist. (With the exception of the 72 'Fins.)
Anyone else out there struggling with this? Any tips/idea's for success would be much appreciated!
Love the name by the way, it is soo very true and i wish i could just turn mine off for a few minutes a day.
I can completely understand how you feel, I am very similar. All I want is to be liked/loved by those around me. I also get anxiety when I text a friend and it takes them forever to respond, my mind just races with WTF did i do this time. When like you mentioned, probably NOTHING, they have a life and are busy. Which is probably the case 99/100, but yet as KAN mentioned, the depression convinces us otherwise. It puts some awful illogical reason in our head, that any other person would believe to be untrue. But for someone who is depressed we search for every piece of evidence to make it true.
My biggest issue is family, they are super supportive of me, but yet they are disappointed that I have never reached my full potential. A potential that I have never seen, I know I am capable, but in my head im not worthy. When in reality, I am worthy and why shouldnt we allow ourselves to be happy?
As KAN mentioned, your friends to do care about you, if the didnt care, they wouldnt be there. Are you trying to push them away? probably, but that is something that we do. We dont want someone getting too close, because they might actually LIKE us for who we are. Its just another way for us to justify in our heads, that we are horrible people and we do not deserve to have any friends. If your friends didnt care, they would have cut and run a long time ago. When life gets tough, thats when you find out who your true friends are. they are the ones who are there for you, no matter the circumstances.
As for your friend you are going to see, I am sure she is upset, she has every right to be. She had a friend tell her that she wouldnt miss her if she died. Her reaction alone should be enough of a reason to know that she loves you. She is not mad at you tho, she is mad at the words and the thought. I hope when you are talking with her, you try to explain a little bit about what your going thru. She may learn just how depressed you really are, many people think we are overexagurating*(sp?) our depression. When in reality, we are probably underplaying it.
The feeling of isolation, again, just reconfirms in our minds that we are not loved/liked by anyone. We put ourselves inside that cage of a brain we have and we think its completely ok, to be ALONE. As people, we need interaction, since the beginning of time, we have had gatherings to bring people together. I dont know about you, but when i am alone, it gives me time to think...which isnt always the best medicine. being with others, it at least gives us the chance to laugh and maybe forget that we are depressed for a few moments.
Like KAN, i see a therapist weekly, it really gives me something to look forward to. Often times if im having a bad week, im counting the days. Just let me make it till Thursday! So just remember, You are going to be okay! There are a bunch of people out there who love and care about you! I know it's hard to believe it at times, but its true and probably more people than you ever thought.
First of all, congrats on sticking by him through all of this and trying to work thru it together. Even though depression and anxiety are two different things, there are similarities. That being said, when he does open up and talk to you about what is bothering him, you probably can relate on some level. Which should help calm him and make him feel not alone.
Each depression case is unique to the individual, but the causes can be similar. I have been dealing with depression for over 20 years, im 31. I didnt realized how long i was depressed until i really started to look into my past. Needless to say, to gain that perspective was rather shocking. I thought i was a happy kid, growing up. I had a good family and a good living environment. But as time went on, i began to doubt myself and eventually development an almost hatred like feeling towards myself. Mirrors, reflections, where not good, i would see myself and just get furious. We all have our secrets and demons, but mine almost killed me. As time went on, i thought i had a better control over my "anger", i didnt know i was depressed at the time. Looking back on when i began seriously dating, in college, those girls should have gotten some sort of medal. They were the ones who really helped me realize i was depressed, i got on medication and life started to get better. Then i got off the meds, but everything seemed to be okay, so i thought i was cured. Needless to say, I was/am not, it's a struggle every day...
Sorry for the rambling, but i wanted to give you a bit of insight into my experience. First and foremost, keep being supportive of him and show him how much he means to you. Dont be afraid to keep an open line of communication with him, albeit, he might not be willing to open up at first. The biggest thing with being depressed is when we talk to someone who we care about/love, we dont want them judging us. So we clam up and just pretend everything is fine. So DONT pry Just assure him that you love him and you want to help him and no matter what is bothering him, you wont judge him and you'll keep an open mind. Also, there are some really great books on depression out there, you might find one that is really helpful. Lastly, has he talked to his doctor about this? or have you guys talked about him possibly seeing a therapist. If you havent, i would recommend doing so and because you care about him, you could probably attend a session or two, once he is comfortable.
You mentioned that when you focus on him, it helps your anxiety. I can relate, I love helping people with their problems....but for some reason i can never take my own advice. So even though you are helping him get through a rough patch, dont completely forget about yourself. Take some time for you to deal with everything that's going on