I, like so many others in this group feel your pain. You said you tried therapy for a year and it didnt work. A lot of the time it takes years and a lot of work and soul searching before you start to see the benefits. Also, finding a counciler/therapist who you work well with is a huge step. You might have to try a couple before you find a good fit. the biggest thing you need to keep is mind is to be completely open and honest with them, you cant keep any secrets from them. if you are feeling like crap, tell them, they will help you work thru it. Once they get a better understand of who you are and how you cope with situations, they can develop a plan to give you the tools/coping mechanisms to make those situations easier to deal with.
I am very glad to hear that you are no longer suicidal and I am sure you are a wonderful mom to your daughter, if nothing else use her as motivation to get better. The better you are, you'll even be a better mom to her You mentioned that you want to just put up a false front and pack everything away...coming from experience, that is not the right way to go about it. it's keeping those feelings inside that are eatting you alive. This group is a great place to just vent if you are feeling down or something has you upset, there are many people who understand and many who offer great advice.
As far as your family knowing about your disease, that's great. The fact that you dont think they care or have forgotten, is probably because they know its a touchy subject. I'm sure they care about you deeply and want you to get better. People who aren't depressed really dont have any idea what it is like to be depressed. So to them, they might turn a blind eye, because they dont understand it.
As far as talking face to face with someone, you're right, it is not easy. That's why it is super important to find a therapist that you trust and can be open with. Those tears aren't coming out for a reason, there is a lot of pain behind them. You crying is releasing some of that tension and pain that is built up. As a guy i willingly admit, that a good cry does the heart some good. I may look like crap the next morning but it helps me release a lot of angst and emotions. And im pretty sure you wont be the first person to break down on the couch In those sobbing moments, you can have a moment of clarity or realize how much you have been thru and you're still here.
I would agree about the med's im not a huge fan, i took them years ago and they worked, but i am just not a pill person. but lately i have considered getting back on them, just to balence me out. I really do wish you the best of luck, you're so much stronger than you realize, when your ready, you'll find your way!
First off, congrats on the engagement! And also to him for actually admitting his illness with you and kudos to you for wanting to work thru this with him. Honestly most people with depression, at least men, will try to keep it inside and not show anyone they are hurting. Trust me i know from my own personal experience. The male perception of depression is different from that of a female, most men, will think they can just "snap" out of it and everything will be ok. Which is obviously not the case. The fact that he is acting out and putting you down, doesnt seem that out of the ordinary, in his mind he is trying to put blame everywhere else, except himself. You health issues or behavioral issues have nothing to do with his depression. Everyone gets frustrated at certain things, but saying that effects how one feels emotionally is kinda silly. Sure he might get made or upset, but those are feelings of being depressed. Being depressed is feeling hopeless, useless, worthless, etc. Sure someone who is depressed might seem angry, but odds are they are angry with themselves and how they are feeling inside.
Sharon is right, be supportive of him. But dont go overboard, make sure you have clear boundaries set, otherwise he may become codependant. And just think, if he stays like this you will "take care of him". I am sorry to hear that he lost his insurance and I know the cost of counciling isnt cheap. But there are other ways to seek help that might be more cost effective. I dont know if there are any local college's or universities close to you guys, but if there is, many of them have a psyche programs. And students working towards that degree have to accomplish x amount of hours of client interaction, many times you can be seen there for a low fee or even free. That would be a good place to start looking. Also, if you look in the yellow pages, there may be a place you can call to get more information on affordable care.
One last thing, you have been with him for 7 years, depression usually doesnt happen over night. He has probably been dealing with this for some time. It just finally got to the point that he needed to reach out to someone he loved and trusted, to disclose his illness. So if I where you, i'd do a little leg work and let him know what you find out, that shows him you care about him getting better. I wouldnt be surprised if he met you with some resistance about going to counciling, most guys think they can "fix" it on their own. He wont be able to do the work, unless he is ready to get better. For me, it took a couple years before i was ready to open up and start peeling back the layers.
I can relate...that happened to me in the past. Just after my divorce i was talking with a great therapist and eventually it just got to costly to continue to see her. We were making some great strides. Thankfully i have found another good therapist. But before that, this community helped me alot. Not to down play what anyone is going thru, but it gives you a sense that your not alone and in some cases a feeling of releif that some peoples disease is so much worse(and my heart goes out to them). But if they can find a reason to move on, i should be able to do the same. So much inspiration has come out of this community for me. I found much joy in responding and offering advice and an open ear to listen.
Glad you decided to over come that fear and open up, that alone shows you do have strength. Its not easy opening yourself up to a group of people, especially not knowing what the response might be. But this group is full of wonderful people who have all sorts of experiences and great advice to give. The great thing about this group is that very quickly you will find that you are not alone on this journey. We have all been at the end of our ropes at one point or another, but there is something that keeps all of us moving forward.
Have you tried counciling? Sometimes in combination with the meds, it can be a great way to help you deal with those previous experiences. You'll peel back those layers and you'll realize the person you are inside...the person your children look up to. Its great that you love them so much and that they are keeping you going. But one day you will find that inner strength to keep yourself going, because you are the only one who controls your happiness.
Best of luck!
ps. we are all a little sad...little hurt....litte confused and a little crazy...you'll fit right in View Thread
I am terribly sorry for your loses, dealing with those two events alone would be very taxing on a person, let alone with in a year. You have all the support around you, your therapist and your support group. You are allowed to greive and be sad, that is normal. Sadly dealing with depression isnt going to make this mountain any easier to climb. You need to be strong for yourself, while setting a great example for your children. Your allowed to cry and be vulnerable, anyone in your shoes, who didnt would be almost inhuman.
If I can share a personal story, that you might be able to relate too. When I was 9, my best friend and cousin, passed away, he was 10 years old. He was not expected to make it past 3. 6 months later, his father passed away from the same type of cold/flu. So my aunt had to deal with the loss of her ten year old son and then the loss of her husband. I know it had to be killing her inside, cause it was eatting me alive losing my best friend. But some how, she kept moving on, whether it was the grace of god or her inner will. She kept trying to move forward. Her inner strength and will is something that i still admire today...and she put it to good use when she battled breast cancer a couple years ago and WON!
Please understand that i am not trying to down play your tragedies or make a comparison, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. That horrible things do happen and they are able to be overcome. You just have to wake up(which coming from someone with depression, i know that can be a challenge all in itself) and take each day as it comes, it is truely a blessing. Because any moment could be our last.
I can totally relate to what you are going thru. I would do the same sort of things, get angry and rage out and like yourself, the only thing that helped keep me alive was my family. I couldnt bear the thought of hurting them. I work 40 hours a week at a job that is well beneath my education and the training i have recieved. I too live at home, it was my only option after i got divorced. I too was bullied, as i have gotten older that has some what stopped because of the people i choose to be around. If your anything like i was, your family is probably your greatest support system and they think the world of you, mine is/was the same way. Problem was, i did see any of the potential that they said i had...to this day i still dont, but i am working on getting better. I dont know if you ever tried therapy, but it is a great way to get that rage/anger off of your chest and begin to disect why you feel that way. I was in therapy twice before the latest time where i just said...forget it, im going to not hold anything back and be an open book with my therapist. Is it easy? hell no, but what in our lives has been? I picked up book about shame, which ultimately was my crutch. Its called "healing the shame that binds you" its a great book with a lot of wonderful insight, that has helped me realize that everything that went wrong in my life was not 100% my fault. It helped me gain a new outlook on life and it helped me realize that i do need help. I am fairly early on in my therapy sessions but there are some great points that i have gotten and i always feel better the next few days afterwards.
I just want you to know that you are not alone, there are many of people out there, just like you and i. Many of them have beaten this disease and have gone on to live a wonderful fulfilling life, I plan on being one of them. I hope you decide to join us and take back your life and live the life that makes you happy and smile. Because at the end of the day, we are the only ones who can control our happiness.
You posted stumbled upon a great group and even better people who post and whom have gone thru similar battles.
I have been battling depression for most of my life and I am around the same as your son. Obviously everyone handles their depression differently, but maybe I could help shed some light A little over 6 months ago, I put myself in a similar situation as your son...posting a message on facebook about how depressed i was and illuding to the fact of suicide. I honestly had no intentions of offing myself, I think I did it just for a reaction, to know that someone cared. About 30 minutes after my post which came at about 3am, i got a knock on the door and it was the police. We talked for a few moments i assured them that i was not going to harm myself. I took the message down and spoke with my family to reassure them i wasnt going to cause myself any harm. In doing so I caused them great worry and they called a crisis team to come talk to me. I was not happy about meeting with these people at all, i didnt think i needed it. a few months later i was in a dark place and expressed feelings of not wanting to live. Enter the crisis team again...and again i was not happy to see them. I did not lash out, i met with them to apease them and to get them out of my hair asap. I dont know if your son has been in therapy before? I have had a couple tries at it and the last therapist started to make some headway...I started to discover that a lot of my issues where from childhood. please understand that i came from a very loving household and was never abused or anything like that as a child. I had two wonderful parents who love me very much, sadly almost to a fault. I do love them and always will, but as i am going thru therapy again there is a bit of resentment towards them. But i know that as i heal, so will the relationship with them. The hardest part for me is that they had no idea that they were causing this sort of emotional damage...and why would they? They loved me unconditionally, whats the harm in that?
Its obvious that you love your son very much and you are willing to do what ever it takes to get him help, that hardest part is that even though we may know we need help, we dont want to admit it to ourselves. Making that call to a therapist isnt the easiest thing to do. Even when i admitted i needed help, i had someone else make the call for me, just knowing that i wouldnt have done it.
Its understandable why your son is upset, but you didnt do anything wrong, you did what a loving parent would do. He made the situation worse by acting out, is he still in the mental health facility? As for why is he "punishing" you this way, well only he could answer that. But as the saying goes, you always hurt the ones you love. He could be acting out towards you because he knows you will keep trying and keep showing him more affection. Which would feed his ego, but it also gives him a sense of control, he knows that if he lashes out, he has some type of control over you.
As I said before, each person handles this disease differently and this is just my two cents. As for any suggestions I would continue to stand by him. Is there someone that he is close to that he would listen to with out lashing out? If there is, id approach them about possibly talking with him about getting into therapy. He will just meet you with resistance and angst.
Im sorry to hear abuot your friend, traumatic memories are a very evil thing. I can relate somewhat to your friend. Are they seeking help from a therapist? The biggest thing you can do is to face those memories and confront them, having a trained professional there will help you deal with those emotions. Odds are those memories are what got her into the state of mind they are in. Sadly many people with depression have a very good memory when it comes to those moments in life. We can recall them with uncanny accuracy and the pain is just as real as it was when it happened. We will tend to over analyze the problem and find a way to place the blame on ourselves. Leading us down that slippery slope, into a very dark place. If i may recommend a book that has helped to open my eyes about my past, it is titled "Healing the shame that binds You." It confronts many of the issues that stem from those tragic memories and it gives you tools to over come them. One of the processes is call thought stopping, basically when you feel yourself going down that road to a dark place. You try to remind yourself that you are a good person and that what ever happened wasnt your fault. One of the ways the book i suggested, recommends doing that is wearing a rubber band around your wrist and when you start to have those thoughts, you snap the rubber band. Painful i know, but that little snap, can help take your mind away and remind you that everything is going to be okay. It takes practice and work, like anything in life and a trained professional can help with that greatly.
I wish your friend the best of luck and all you can do is be supportive. Its easier said than done, because you see the beauty in that person, even though at times, they dont. You can remind them till your blue in the face, but often times they dont want to hear it. Dont give up, if they are not in therapy, it may take some time for them to realize that they need help. Even if they know it now, making that phone call to set up that first appointment can be the hardest thing to do. So maybe if you talk to them and they seem interested in help, you could reach out and get them on the right track.
Your very welcome. As far as putting things on your children, my parents where amazing people, who love me and my brother with all their hearts. And for years I would try to tell myself that it was all my fault. I sought out a therapist and we started to do some work and she mentioned something called the fantasy bond, this book was the first time since then that i heard the term again. My mother was depressed and i believe she still is to this day, she grew up in a steel town with her father working in the mills and he was an alcoholic and from what i heard he could get agressive at times. Sober he was a great man, so i have been told, he passed shortly after i was born. Growing up we had a wonderful relationship, my mom and i. I was her little helper...little did i know that during those times she would vent to me about life and i sort of became her therapist. tough thing for a adolescent. And even still to this day, when i visit, i live 3000 miles away...she will save things for me to do or if she needs to reach something she asks me. Now my father and brother are still there, but she asks me. I dont mind helping out, but she created this bond between her and I, where in her mind i was her spouse. She depended on me and not on my father. The effects have been unreal. So love your children, just make sure you keep in mind that they are just kids. Not your therapist, spouse, mother or father and you will do just fine I hope the book helps you as much as it has started to help meView Thread
I picked this book up a few months ago for a trip i was taking and on vacation this past week i got to really knock out a good chunk of the book, i still have a few more sections to finish. But out of all the self help books i have read on depression, this one hit home the hardest and most sincere. Im not saying it is for everyone, but if you believe that the root of your depression started in your youth/childhood, id suggest giving this book a chance. It related to me so well that i had to really struggle to fight back tears at the airport...THE AIRPORT. It offers alot of potential solutions and ways to release your inner neglected child, that so many of us have buried deep in our memories. My childhood looking back a few weeks ago i would have said was rather normal, but after reading many of the theories i began to reflect and analyze my up bringing. I uncovered a lot of issues that i other wise would have thought to be non-issues. It explains very well about how depression can be projected from a depressed parent onto the child with out them even realizing they are effecting you. Among many other topics...If you have ever heard the term "Fantasy Bond" from a therapist or in general, i highly suggest reading this book. The fantasy bond is at the core of why this book was written.View Thread