Hi, sorry you're going through this. I'm sure the miscarriages were just as hard for you but some people just aren't as resilient. While you can't make him seek treatment that doesn't chance the fact that living with someone who has a long-lasting illness is very stressful.
What I recommend (and always recommend in these instances) is if his condition is causing you problems, you should consider counseling to deal with how you are feeling. The same way you would if he had any other illness. You should take your children or send them separately if they're old enough. Perhaps in time he'll want to go with you and even go on his own. But if he doesn't, you all will know how to handle it better.
After reading and replying to yet another message yesterday here's another thought, I hope it won't make people angry, but this is for the people who think or know they're living with someone with untreated depression:
The diagnosis (or suspicion) of depression does not give the depressed person a license to be unpleasant to other people. They aren't going to curl up and die if you tell them off when they're nasty to you (or the kids or the pets). I'll use myself as an example - I have a rotten temper. I can be very aggressive and just plain rattlesnake mean. I spend a lot of time biting my tongue and clenching my fists so Nasty Jeune doesn't run amok.
Would I be that way if I weren't depressed? Who knows? And, who cares? If I slip up and start chewing my husband's ear off because I'm having a bad day, I WANT and NEED him to respond as he would to any person who is being a creep. I do not want him to think "Oh dear, I'd better not tell poor Jeune to calm the [blank> down because she is depressed." And if I lit into someone at the store or on the train or whatever and they told me to [blank> off I couldn't say "Hey, you can't talk to me that way, I'm depressed!"
I know everyone has bad days but if the behavior is disruptive and upsetting to other people in the household (and that's another thing, if someone is just nasty to family but sweet as pie to the outside world, that's even worse), if the depressed person has you living in dread, makes you cry, has you thinking you're going crazy, it needs a response. ESPECIALLY if the person knows they're depressed but won't seek treatment.
Maybe its just telling them their behavior isn't acceptable to you (that got me into therapy the first time). Maybe you should seek counseling to help deal with it (the stress of dealing with a constant grump who isn't doing anything to change can cause anxiety or depression). MAYBE it means putting their stuff out on the sidewalk and changing the locks. I don't know. But just putting up with it? Don't do it! That doesn't help anyone, even the depressed person.View Thread
Well, it certainly sounds like your sister does her own thing, but I understand your concern for your father. From the tone of your email it sounds like you're a bit miffed with her and don't approve of the way she lives. That happens. (As an aside, the part about low lighting made me smile. I have really good night vision and my husband is constantly exclaiming over the fact that I'm reading "in the dark." It really isn't dark to me!)
However, I don't see how sending her emails meant to show that her refusal of the lamp is unacceptable will help for a number of reasons. The top two being: 1) Even if she is suffering from some sort of mental illness, info presented in that manner and for that reason won't cause her to "see the light" if you'll pardon the pun. 2) If you all normally don't get along, she'll just see it as confrontational and offensive.
The other thing I'd ask is, if you believe that she has some sort of untreated condition, should she really be stressed with the additional task of looking after your dad?
If your main concern is lighting in the house, I would suggest instead that you talk to her in terms of being concerned about you all's dad. Sure there may be plenty of light for her (a younger person with better vision) but your dad may not be able to see as well. If that doesn't work, look into having your father stay in a hotel.
Sorry you're going through this. First thing I want to say is people can and do go to work and appear to be normal to the outside world, even when they are severely depressed. (Trust me, I'm really good at "faking it" and I'm not the only one here who can and does.) He could be depressed, he could be paranoid or have a metabolic problem that is affecting his mood who knows.
However, his behavior is abusive and no matter what the cause, letting it go on won't do you, him or your kids any good. Bottom line, you can't drag him to a doctor or therapist and no decent clinician will diagnose him without seeing him. (And even if one did say he is depressed, it won't change his behavior.)
But you might consider seeing a counselor yourself to get ideas for how to handle this. Take the kids too, they need to talk about this.View Thread
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know if this will be good news or bad news but you sound a lot like me when I was first diagnosed with depression. Including wondering how I could be so sad when there was "nothing wrong" with me AND not wanting to talk to anyone because I didn't want to be a burden.
I guess it is bad news because who wants to be depressed? But it is good news because it is an illness for which there is treatment, just like any other illness. It can be helped with talk therapy, pharmaceutical management or a combination of the two.
Based on personal experience I urge you to see a professional sooner rather than later. Like any persistent disease it might reach the point where you can't function. And to me, the weird thing about depression is the worse it gets the less likely you are to be motivated to seek help. It sort of self-perpetuates, I think.
But whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll keep checking in here. Take care - JView Thread