You are 100% correct - this is a disease and we didn't do anything to cause it. That is exactly I want people to understand. But I wonder, if people really believe Depression really does exist, Do they realize it is in the millions. If they do then where do they think these people are. Certainly only a small proportion are in hospitals. Do they know that. So we are among them just like cancer victoms. I really don't think they understand that this is a real disease for people that live next door, work in their office, or a relative who seems okay to them. I have lived with this for years since very young and I have come to realize all the things that happened to me like not settling down or loosing my job of 28 years that I put my life into (obsession) were looked at by others, predominantly my close family, as just being me. There has been so much suffering that I kept to myself until it got so bad I lost my job. Even then people never said anything or even called. It was h_ll and ,after several years of not working and meds not working, I am now disabled. My own mother is the worst because she has minimized or considers minor what has happened since I was so sick all those years when I was young. I get angry sometimes when I realize that I just don't come from a loving and caring family. My father is the only one that I think feels my pain. At 85 I have to sit with him one day to talk and even though he won't understand what I will tell him (not because of his age), he will show some feeling. Well these days I speak openly about what I live with regardless how people react. When I can wake up in the morning and be free to move about like most other people then I will stop. But that almost certainly will never happen.View Thread
You are my only reply so far so don't feel bad about not having advice for me. Others probably don't know how to help much either and I am really not looking for people at this point to try and send me off in some other completely different irection for help. I have looked or even tried other treatments with no luck. My therapist said it seems from past history that only the right meds will be of any help. Your support and kind words are worth so much at a time like this. I have seen your writings many times here and I know how much you struggle. I pray that you will continue your good work trying to help others here. You should be very proud of this. Right now I am waiting to see a pain specialist who hopefully will get me off the Percocet. It seems that it might be interferring with my Paxil working. I have read many stories of people that suggested it does. I know there won't be any miracle fix. I would just like to be in less pain and fatigue for now. Thanks so much for your love and kindness. Jim G.View Thread
I will be 60 soon and I look, act, talk and appear to be fine to most people. I have perfected the "acting" routine we here all practice. After over 40 years of dealing with now MDD (and FM) my psychiatrist tells me I am "treatment resistant" and he and my therapist (CBT), who feels so helpless seeing me in such pain, try to get me to focus on all they taught me about changing my thinking. They both agreed on me trying "outpatient treatment" but it seems I am not dysfunctional enough to be part of that program. I can somehow get through the day. I try to get to the health club 5 days a week but it is getting very hard getting through the hour I force myself to do. My doctors all want me to exercise and I really believe all these years it is keeping me alive. I really have to force myself and smile along the way but I sweat profusely within minutes of doing anything. It was so painful to get through yoga yesterday but I can't quit trying even if I feel like I will pass out. Outside of that, I barely function. I can't do any of my many hobbies I once enjoyed and fade out quickly if I try to do any kind of organizing or return to my Ancestry or online photo work. After I get home from the club I eat lunch and try to sit hoping I can do something but most times I get so weak that I have to rest or even sleep. If I end up sleeping then I get up completely out-of-it and can't move. At night I always slip into a depression and the negative thinking starts. I take Paxil, now 60mg, which did kind of work well for about twelve years. And the Elavil the 15 years before that worked very well. I do take Percocet 500/325 four or five time a day for my pain but seeing a pain doctor soon so I can get off them. I had ECT in 2009 but no improvement. I try to even accept what is happening to me but I am so uncomfortable, fatigued, in pain, and unable to even get out to be with people I care for. Overall I did well over the years. I am educated and accomplished and worked around my bouts of depression, panic attacks and trips to the ER. I lost my job of 28 years back in 2006 due to my depression. I let people know now what I deal with but still just want to move away because I can't handle the pain of not being able to function around all the "healthy" people. My idea of going into the hospital even my therapist thinks may not be a bad idea (I will not say I am suicidal because I am not). Has anyone here been in my position and found a hospital stay helped. I would really like to just be put to sleep and wake up as my old self. I welcome any comments or advice. Thank you all for your love and continued support.View Thread
Well this is heavy but insighful and on-the-money for many. I hear your pain very clearly. I want to believe somewhere inside there is the old me and I can set him free. But I crash the harder I try.View Thread
Thank you so much for supporting my effort to let people know there are millions of us who live in such pain and, just because people in-general don't want to deal with it, we have to quietly suffer. I had to actually rest/sleep from 9am to 1:30pm yesterday before I could even think about going out. The event was 2:30 but I didn't get there until 4pm because I was just too much out of it.
This morning I made this observation. When I looked in the mirror before leaving yesterday I realized I still looked pretty good for my age. I put on a nice shirt, my new shorts I bought because the old ones were too tight, brushed my full head of hair (got from my gradfather who died with his). and put on some of my cheap rings and watch. When I got there everyone was so nice, with my mother looking on, and I became that person I always presented to others when I was out, regardless how I felt. There was no need to bring up my health. Besides everyone was fusing over my young cousins kids which is the way it should be. I never sit in the corner. I go around and talk to people about their lives and show concern. I got through the 4 hours there and was getting very uncomfortable. I did take my pain meds before leaving and they help a little. When I got home I was totally exhausted.
So I can really see why others would have a hard time accepting I am not healthy. And they can all remember when I worked long hours and practically rebuilt my big house where we all got together. It was a while ago, it was before the depression meds stopped working and way before I got hit with Fibro (which has links to depression). I will write to several of them later and thank them for their love and support and just touch on my health situation. Like I said - no more keeping it a secret.
Now regarding your question. Not a day goes by that I do not think about those early years and that it DEFINITELY has something to do with my Nervous System Issues. If others even believe I deal with anything, I am sure they are thinking: I never married (never committed), lost my job in 2005 (I must have did something wrong), smoke a little, spend too much time alone, or still unhappy about someone I broke off with almost a year ago.
I am sure my MDD had something to do with just not being comfortable or at peace enough to settle down. I was forced out of a job I always received high performance reviews for and dedicated a good part of my life to when my health got o bad my doctors tried to put my out on FMLA medical leave. I am sure some supervisors thought I was perfectly fine and decided to try and push me out thinking I was trying to cheat the company. Many of my co-workers saw me struggling but no one asked it I was alright. I fought with everything I had and with the help of an attorney we settled. One doctor said the year of fighting with them could be considered an PTSD event. And being depressed, as most of you already know, makes you very sensitive to loses that healthy people get over quickly.
My mother was sick while carrying me. She got pregnant with me 3 months after my very healthy brother was born. I had fevers close to 105 for years, had every childhood sickness, and was on antibiotics most of my forst 10 years. The fevers would bring on terrifying hullucinations seeing things that weren't happening. At age 10 my parents took me to LIJ hospital and 7 doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. I got pretty healthy around 12 when apparently I grew out (as all kids do) of that period. But by my late 20's, even after exercising excessively, I went to a doctor for what I thought was fatique. He knew it was something else.
So a few years ago my very sharp psychiatrist found I had very high Epstein Bar numbers and that is why I was diagnosed with FMS. Without those high numbers it would be called "hronic Fatigue Syndrome). Now it seems that these virus's were in my system from a very early age and probably the foundation for my MDD and fatigue isView Thread
Well I will touch on briefly what I wrote about a few weeks ago. I was at my sisters for Father Day. I am never quite comfortable there when it is just my immediate family. Typically, when I was better, many of these events were at my place and other people I am more comfortable with are there and it is more enjoyable. When it is just my and my parents and siblings I feel like there really isn't any personal communication or love. I go, chat a little bit, eat, and go. My brother doesn't interact with me and my sister acts nice but she has hurt people, puts her husband down, and is all wrapped up with herself, like my brother. Now I have tried over the years to let my mother know about what I am going through and have been through. She insist on thinking it is about one recent situation and it will pass. She just refuses to get it. She actually said that she has had it the hardest.
So that day I decided I wasn't going to leave without letting them know about the pain I am in. I wasn't driving home again and nothing is said. Well from that moment I started talking my mother tried to shut me down. I ended up yelling, which I never do, because no one would listen or respond. It turned out to be a big blow-up and I left. My brother, who usually says nothing but throws shots at me regularly during what should be pleasant conversation, said later "that wasn't my brother" referring to my yelling.
Long-story-short is that I now have some closure knowing this is the way they are and it will never change. Now that they have heard my cries I know they can't un-hear what I said. I no longer expect they will ever understand or care. I am not mad at them. They just aren't very warm caring people in-general. But I have been determined for a while to no longer keep my depression and all the damage it's caused for almost 40 years to myself because I am at the point where I just don't function well at all and I refuse to take the blame for something I know now, because my doctors drilled it into my head, has nothing to do with me as a person - it is a disease. And yes, I have told some people I really trust and they are a little distant now. And yes, they don't ask you how you are when they see you again. I will ask my neighbor next time why she doesn't ask how I am. I will put them on the spot. It's just not right that millions of people live with this horrible disease and the world just isn't very accepting. Tomorrow I am going to my cousins house. Him and his wife and I have kind of been close many years and, even though they don't really understand, I know they care. Their two sisters, my cousins, who are both the oldest and youngest of the 23 cousins I have will be coming. They probably know I am not my old self so when they say hello and ask them how I am I will tell them "every day is a struggle". I won't say too much more. I think they will be concerned because they are good people and know all I have done over the years for everyone. I will be 60 early next year and I know now that the idea of waking up tomorrow and I am going to magically be better is not going to happen. MDD just never goes away, at least for me. If something ever happens to me (never hurt myself) I want people to know I have lived with this since my teens.
All my siblings, my cousins, and apparently all their children are very healthy. I was seriously sick from the day I was born and for at least 10 years with very high unexplainable fevers. The others may have had their ups and downs but nothing even close to what I have lived with all these years. I refuse to have everyone see me withdraw and not function without knowing the origins. The ones that should but don't care I just won't make any effort to be close to. One way or another there will at least be a handful of people that understand I struggled with this condition from an early age and I fought like h_ll all these years and did well dispite all the setbacks.View Thread