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Worthless

Hi, I've posted on this site many months ago, but haven't since then because I lost...

Posted by sheswounded

Hi, I've posted on this site many months ago, but haven't since then because I lost both my password for this site, as well as my email address password. But, I finally figured it out and so I'm back, still fairly new, however.

I am chronically depressed, have been this way consistently for the past 2 years or so. I'm not on any anti-depressants, and don't really know how to go about getting on any due to my situation. I do believe that I need something for depression and possibly other mental illnesses, and I'm sure a psychiatrist would agree. But, since that's not an option for me at this time, I'm trying my best to cope everyday with this debilitating illness.

The main problem I'm having now is feelings of worthlessness. I've always felt less than everyone else around me, even as a child. I've never felt important, never even new I was supposed to love myself, never new there was a such thing as respecting yourself, etc. As I grew into adulthood, I didn't look back too much, things were getting better for me, and so I just went on with life.

Later in my adulthood I started making a lot of mistakes in life, and I feel guilty about it now. It's been about 10 years, and I have been through hell and haven't come back. I attribute all of the things that have gone wrong in my life to the mistakes I've made. I look t how hard I've tried to turn my life around, and based on where my life is right now, I'm convinced things will not, cannot get better. I feel worthless. I have no friends in my life. Those that do know me and know my past, well I feel like they want to see me pay for all that I've done. No one, and I mean no one is on my side. I believe that I really am worthless. I don't even have my dad's support, and he's never been in my life even as a kid, but for some reason, no one I know seems to think that's a big issue. This just confirms my belief that I am nothing. Because I am worthless, I don't feel I deserve to go to the doctors for serious health issues I'm having. I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I feel I deserve to live how I live. I deserve all that is bad.

I know that feeling worthless is one of the symptoms of depression. But, I don't think that this is just a symptom for me. I think it is true. I know it's true. There is nothing in my life that lets me know I'm valuable, or someone. I don't even need to be special, but I always wanted to just feel like someone, like a part of this world. But I'm not, and I know I never will be.

So, since I can't end my life on my own right now, I am trying to find a way to live this way. It's so hard having to get out everyday and know that I am so worthless. I hate myself so much and it's just hard to keep going like this. I can barely stand it. I'm at the point where I am so overjoyed that life can't go on forever. To me, this means that I don't have to live like I do forever, and I can't even say how good knowing this makes me feel. Still, I have to try and find a way to survive without meds until that day comes. How do I do that without having a nervous breakdown, or stroke or worse?

I just want to see what others think before I just finally leave this mess alone.View Thread

Posted bysheswounded

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Worthless Hi, I've posted on this site many months ago, but haven't since then because I lost...

Reply: Worthless

Hi Rohvanny, Yes, I've heard of St. John's Wort. I've even attempted to purchase a...

Posted by sheswounded

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Worthless Hi Rohvanny, Yes, I've heard of St. John's Wort. I've even attempted to purchase a...

Reply: New Here and Needing to Vent

Hi, bornagain, Thank you for informing me of this. I'm doing a bit better at the...

Posted by sheswounded

14 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:New Here and Needing to Vent Hi, bornagain, Thank you for informing me of this. I'm doing a bit better at the...

Reply: New Here and Needing to Vent

Skkingofheats, I can't say with certainty that I was made to "feel" inadequate...

Posted by sheswounded

Skkingofheats,

I can't say with certainty that I was made to "feel" inadequate growing up. However, I do know that growing up, I always felt inadequate, different, less than everyone else around me, and just not good enough in general. As a child, I never thought much into this. And now, as an adult, these feelings of inadequacy still trouble me. I have some idea as to how it all began, but I can never be sure. I was sexually abused as a child, and my school life was very very difficult. So, I sometimes wonder if either of these factors has contributed to my lack of self-esteem. Or, if I am the way that I am just because.

I can certainly relate to feeling abandoned and betrayed. But, in your case, I think you did the right thing by expressing your feelings with your father. This is something I could never do with my own mother, as I have also been the person who has abandoned her at one point. Not purposefully, but I did so none the less. So, even though I do feel abandoned and betrayed by her, I could never criticize her for something I have also done.

You said that your father told you that his generation was not the type to talk about feelings, or something along those lines. I think that my mother would also agree with this about her generation. Growing up, I do remember my mom talking about her feelings, or her fears, or joys, etc. But, I think there were certain topics that she was reluctant to discuss. (I could be wrong though) For me, I held everything in. I was going through hell at my elementary school. But, I never told my mom about it. I never talked about my hurts, worries, fears, nothing. This all affected me greatly when I started to date, as I didn't know how to express myself.

I have not discussed everything that I am feeling with my mother. Sometimes I want to, but I know that she has her own health issues to deal with. I have, however, mentioned things to her in the past, but we never get anywhere in the conversation. I do feel that she does not forgive me, or accept me. I feel unloved as well. Not just by her, but by many. I am isolated from everyone, and it just makes me feel like I've done something wrong, or like I'm not that interesting to be around. If I had one person, just one person who supported me, believed in me, then I don't think I would spend so much time worrying about why some people don't like me. But, when you have no one, and even the relationships with your family have become strained, you can't help but think that it's you. At least that's how it is for me. I just don't know what else to do.

People say, you must first love yourself before anyone else can love you. But, if a person has never learned how to love him/herself, and has no one in their life that understands them or sees anything good in them, then how can one even begin to love him/herself? I just can't do it. I feel like a bad person who is undeserving of love, friendship, or anything good in life.

I've got issues that have been present for so many years. But, I've spent over 6 years trying to work on rebuilding my life, yet nothing good has come of it. My past relationships are still strained. My life appears to be getting worse, despite all I've done to improve things, improve me. I feel like this is it for me. Like no matter what I do, I'll never get beyond where I'm at right now. I'm getting older, and really just feel that I am too old to start a life that should have begun 10 years ago. I feel like people want to see me fail. Like they don't want anything to go well for me. So, all of this, among other things, is why my depression is so severe. I honestly feel like I am losing it. I feel so lost, scared, confused, hopeless, and helpless.

I'm here now, and I am reaching out for support. And, I am so appreciative of everyone who has offered me their support, advice, and encouragement, including you. I'm very happy to be here.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me.View Thread

Posted bysheswounded

14 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:New Here and Needing to Vent Skkingofheats, I can't say with certainty that I was made to "feel" inadequate...

I Don't Want to Live if I Have to Live Like This

[Trigger]

I don't know what to say except that I am severely depressed, and that I wish to die in...

Posted by sheswounded

7 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I Don't Want to Live if I Have to Live Like This I don't know what to say except that I am severely depressed, and that I wish to die in...

Reply: I Don't Want to Live if I Have to Live Like This

Hi Chez1, I'm so sorry your initial response was lost, but I really appreciate you...

Posted by sheswounded

7 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I Don't Want to Live if I Have to Live Like This Hi Chez1, I'm so sorry your initial response was lost, but I really appreciate you...

Reply: I Don't Want to Live if I Have to Live Like This

Hi Chris, Thank you for your support! I was having a bad day when I initially posted...

Posted by sheswounded

7 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I Don't Want to Live if I Have to Live Like This Hi Chris, Thank you for your support! I was having a bad day when I initially posted...

Reply: I Don't Want to Live if I Have to Live Like This

Thank you, Jeune1. I had a rough weekend, but am feeling a bit better today. I will...

Posted by sheswounded

7 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I Don't Want to Live if I Have to Live Like This Thank you, Jeune1. I had a rough weekend, but am feeling a bit better today. I will...

Reply: New Here and Needing to Vent

Hi Haylen, Thanks for responding to my post. I actually have looked into therapy and...

Posted by sheswounded

14 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:New Here and Needing to Vent Hi Haylen, Thanks for responding to my post. I actually have looked into therapy and...

Reply: New Here and Needing to Vent

Hi, skkingofhearts, Thanks so much for responding to my post and sharing some of...

Posted by sheswounded

14 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:New Here and Needing to Vent Hi, skkingofhearts, Thanks so much for responding to my post and sharing some of...

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