Yes, I've heard of St. John's Wort. I've even attempted to purchase a bottle, but got discouraged because I felt that since my depression is so, for lack of a better word, bad, that I would find little relief from the pills. Since that time, I've heard several people comment on the benefits of St. John's Wort, and have done some research on the product myself. I may go ahead and give it a try. It couldn't heard, the price is fairly reasonable.
You make a great point about feeling worthless even surrounded by family and friends. This is a very true statement. I'm starting to realize that any feelings of worthiness, happiness, etc must come from within me, and that no one can make it happen for me.
I've not yet discovered any of talents. Hopefully, they're just hidden, and have yet to surface, but I don't know.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and suggestions. I appreciate your time.View Thread
Hi, I've posted on this site many months ago, but haven't since then because I lost both my password for this site, as well as my email address password. But, I finally figured it out and so I'm back, still fairly new, however.
I am chronically depressed, have been this way consistently for the past 2 years or so. I'm not on any anti-depressants, and don't really know how to go about getting on any due to my situation. I do believe that I need something for depression and possibly other mental illnesses, and I'm sure a psychiatrist would agree. But, since that's not an option for me at this time, I'm trying my best to cope everyday with this debilitating illness.
The main problem I'm having now is feelings of worthlessness. I've always felt less than everyone else around me, even as a child. I've never felt important, never even new I was supposed to love myself, never new there was a such thing as respecting yourself, etc. As I grew into adulthood, I didn't look back too much, things were getting better for me, and so I just went on with life.
Later in my adulthood I started making a lot of mistakes in life, and I feel guilty about it now. It's been about 10 years, and I have been through hell and haven't come back. I attribute all of the things that have gone wrong in my life to the mistakes I've made. I look t how hard I've tried to turn my life around, and based on where my life is right now, I'm convinced things will not, cannot get better. I feel worthless. I have no friends in my life. Those that do know me and know my past, well I feel like they want to see me pay for all that I've done. No one, and I mean no one is on my side. I believe that I really am worthless. I don't even have my dad's support, and he's never been in my life even as a kid, but for some reason, no one I know seems to think that's a big issue. This just confirms my belief that I am nothing. Because I am worthless, I don't feel I deserve to go to the doctors for serious health issues I'm having. I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I feel I deserve to live how I live. I deserve all that is bad.
I know that feeling worthless is one of the symptoms of depression. But, I don't think that this is just a symptom for me. I think it is true. I know it's true. There is nothing in my life that lets me know I'm valuable, or someone. I don't even need to be special, but I always wanted to just feel like someone, like a part of this world. But I'm not, and I know I never will be.
So, since I can't end my life on my own right now, I am trying to find a way to live this way. It's so hard having to get out everyday and know that I am so worthless. I hate myself so much and it's just hard to keep going like this. I can barely stand it. I'm at the point where I am so overjoyed that life can't go on forever. To me, this means that I don't have to live like I do forever, and I can't even say how good knowing this makes me feel. Still, I have to try and find a way to survive without meds until that day comes. How do I do that without having a nervous breakdown, or stroke or worse?
I just want to see what others think before I just finally leave this mess alone.View Thread
Thank you for informing me of this. I'm doing a bit better at the moment. I'm not suicidal, however, I get into these dark places, and I just feel like I lose my will to live. I'd never do anything to end my life, but I do get tired. I think the answer for me is medication, but I'm having a hard time getting the ball rolling. I'm hoping this changes soon!
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I appreciate it.
I can't say with certainty that I was made to "feel" inadequate growing up. However, I do know that growing up, I always felt inadequate, different, less than everyone else around me, and just not good enough in general. As a child, I never thought much into this. And now, as an adult, these feelings of inadequacy still trouble me. I have some idea as to how it all began, but I can never be sure. I was sexually abused as a child, and my school life was very very difficult. So, I sometimes wonder if either of these factors has contributed to my lack of self-esteem. Or, if I am the way that I am just because.
I can certainly relate to feeling abandoned and betrayed. But, in your case, I think you did the right thing by expressing your feelings with your father. This is something I could never do with my own mother, as I have also been the person who has abandoned her at one point. Not purposefully, but I did so none the less. So, even though I do feel abandoned and betrayed by her, I could never criticize her for something I have also done.
You said that your father told you that his generation was not the type to talk about feelings, or something along those lines. I think that my mother would also agree with this about her generation. Growing up, I do remember my mom talking about her feelings, or her fears, or joys, etc. But, I think there were certain topics that she was reluctant to discuss. (I could be wrong though) For me, I held everything in. I was going through hell at my elementary school. But, I never told my mom about it. I never talked about my hurts, worries, fears, nothing. This all affected me greatly when I started to date, as I didn't know how to express myself.
I have not discussed everything that I am feeling with my mother. Sometimes I want to, but I know that she has her own health issues to deal with. I have, however, mentioned things to her in the past, but we never get anywhere in the conversation. I do feel that she does not forgive me, or accept me. I feel unloved as well. Not just by her, but by many. I am isolated from everyone, and it just makes me feel like I've done something wrong, or like I'm not that interesting to be around. If I had one person, just one person who supported me, believed in me, then I don't think I would spend so much time worrying about why some people don't like me. But, when you have no one, and even the relationships with your family have become strained, you can't help but think that it's you. At least that's how it is for me. I just don't know what else to do.
People say, you must first love yourself before anyone else can love you. But, if a person has never learned how to love him/herself, and has no one in their life that understands them or sees anything good in them, then how can one even begin to love him/herself? I just can't do it. I feel like a bad person who is undeserving of love, friendship, or anything good in life.
I've got issues that have been present for so many years. But, I've spent over 6 years trying to work on rebuilding my life, yet nothing good has come of it. My past relationships are still strained. My life appears to be getting worse, despite all I've done to improve things, improve me. I feel like this is it for me. Like no matter what I do, I'll never get beyond where I'm at right now. I'm getting older, and really just feel that I am too old to start a life that should have begun 10 years ago. I feel like people want to see me fail. Like they don't want anything to go well for me. So, all of this, among other things, is why my depression is so severe. I honestly feel like I am losing it. I feel so lost, scared, confused, hopeless, and helpless.
I'm here now, and I am reaching out for support. And, I am so appreciative of everyone who has offered me their support, advice, and encouragement, including you. I'm very happy to be here.
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me.View Thread
I'm so sorry your initial response was lost, but I really appreciate you taking the time to send me another one.
I now see what you mean when you say that "it must be the disease." Sometimes when I'm going through such difficult times, it feels like I'm the only one. And everything seems so real to me, yet others can't understand my way of thinking. I feel crazy, to say the least. But, you've reminded me that there are so many other people out there who can relate to me, and who feel the same way that I do. I never imagined that depression could be so powerful!
I was in a bad place when I initially posted, but I think I'm doing better today. I go through these spells every so often, so I just try to take everything one day at a time.
Thanks so much for your encouragement and support!View Thread
Thank you for your support! I was having a bad day when I initially posted to the board. I am doing much better today. I really appreciate the information you've provided, and will certainly utilize them in the future.
[Trigger] I don't know what to say except that I am severely depressed, and that I wish to die in my sleep. I never want to wake up again because of the way I have to live. My life will never change. I've been miserable for the past 6 years. I have so many unanswered questions, I'm confused about everything, and I just cannot cope much longer. I know that people, who know I feel this way, think that I would never do anything to hurt myself. But, they are mistaken. I'd do just about anything to get away from these feelings that I feel, and the thoughts that I have. I am in pain, and I have no one to help me. Because not even my family cares whether I live or die, it makes me feel like I am a bad person, or like no one can love me. After all, if your own family, parents can't love you, then who else is going to? That's how I see it. I just wish I knew what to do, how to act, what to say, to make them love me. I also wish I knew why they have so much animosity towards me, and if they don't, and if I am wrong, then why do I feel they treat me horribly? Why would I feel so betrayed by them if they really did care about me? I just want to die, but I do not have the courage to kill myself. I'm hoping God hears my cries and my pain and sends for me. My life here on earth is over. I've even been researching the topic of "life after death." From what I have learned, life in Heaven will be so much more peaceful than here on earth. I want that now, because I will never be at peace down here. I've never been at peace in my entire life. Never have I been comfortable in my own skin. I'm sorry for this post sounding so negative, but I just needed to vent. I'm at a really low point in life, and I am barely hanging on.View Thread
Thanks for responding to my post. I actually have looked into therapy and meds as well, but I have not been successful in establishing any type of ongoing treatment. I am determined, however, to fight this, so I will keep searching.
Thanks so much for responding to my post and sharing some of your story with me. I think it's great that you were able to be the bigger person and do the right thing by apologizing to those you have wronged. It's not always easy, but I do believe in sincere apologies and owning up to what I have done wrong. Unfortunately, in my case, it just doesn't seem that anyone really cares about my feeling remorseful. Everyone, including my family is so distant with me. They don't seem to see it as a problem, so it all just makes me question myself, like, am I crazy or am I right when I feel they still hold a grudge against me. I get so confused. I know that I have not been perfect, and I know that I have not always done the right things. Sometimes, I just apologize for anything, not even knowing what it is I did wrong or what I'm apologizing for. I think I just want to be accpted, forgiven, and if not, then I would rather just walk away. But, I don't want to walk away and then later find out that I was the one who was wrong for doing so.
I do feel lik no one is in my corner, and it's true, I have no one. It makes me feel like a bad person, or that I am someone that people, including my family, don't like to be around. Thinking about this day after day is making me crazy. I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong. I don't know what it is that I need to change about myself. I've tried everything to no avail.
So, I'm here now, depressed more than ever. There have been so many things that have led to my depression, and hopefully I will get to share some more of my story here on the site. I know that I need help because I am breaking down. I am nothing anymore and I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I don't receive the help that I need.
Well, thanks again for your support. I do appreciate it.