Thank you for responding to my post. I really like the idea of trying to look at things from a different perspective. I know that my thinking is very distorted at the moment, but I am relentless in my search for help, so that I can recover...hopefully.
Regarding apologies, I think it's great that you can own up to your wrongdoings, and then move forward with your life. Me, I'm struggling with this a bit. I can't seem to move on even though I have forgiven myself for anything I've done wrong, and have been sincere in my apologoes to others I have wronged. But, I still feel that others are punishing me in a variety of ways. It could just be the way that I think, I don't know. But, that's why I'm looking for help. I see that I have a problem, and I am desperately trying to fix it, but I do believe that I will need a lot of therapy.
Well, thanks again for your comment. I really appreciate it.
I'm new here and I joined this site because I am losing my battle with depression. It's accurate to say that I've been depressed since childhood, but I never got any help for it. It got easier for me s I got older and entered adulthood. But when I turned 26, a serious of tragic events has unfolded, leaving me unable to pick up the pieces to life a happy, decent life. I've not always been the best person, and I've made plenty of mistakes. I've wronged people before, and I've tried to ask for forgiveness, but no one wants to. So, I've not been able to forgive myself. My family, well, I talk to my mom on occasions, but I can tell that I am the last person she wants to talk to. The issue with her is that I wasn't there for her or my grandmother or my brother when I should have been. It seems that no matter what I do to try and prove that I've bettered myself and that I want a second chance, she just can't accept it. I thought that I turned my life around, but she does not recognize this. It seems like every time we talk or interact with one another, she's trying to give me a lesson to learn from. I never get the chance to show what I've learned from. I never hear anything positive, like I did well in the end. It's always a threat like if you don't do this, and if you don't do that. I have no support, and like I said, I get that I should have been there more for people. But, I'm having a hard time moving forward because I feel like I deserve to feel bad.
My depression has gotten so bad that I cannot cope. I don't want to live anymore because it seems no matter how hard I try to do right and make positive changes; I still get further and further behind. I feel there is no hope for me. I can't have a better life, it's too late. How can you get through life without anyone in your corner? I have no one. No friends, no family, no one. Everyone is against me, and everyone seems to think that I am so dumb that I have to learn lessons that others learned when they were kids. I admit, I don't know it all. I admit that I have problems. But when people treat me the way that they do, it makes me feel stupid. They don't take into account that maybe I am the way that I am because of what happened to me as child. I was molested by my adolescent cousin when I was between the ages of 5 and 7. I never told anyone, so I never got help. It wasn't until I got older that I finally told someone, including my mom, who till this day, seems to think it doesn't matter. She continues to bring up my cousins name without any regard to how this may make me feel. It makes me feel like what he did does not matter. I feel like a loser. I hate myself because I have no one who cares about me. If I were better, if I acted more normal then maybe I would have someone in my corner regardless of the mistakes I've made. But, I feel it's because of me, and who I am, that no one cares about me. I want to die because it feels like it's me against everyone else.
I've tried to get help, but have no insurance. I know I need meds, but can't get them. I don't know what to do at this point. All I know is I am tired of the suffering, and I want a way out. I don't want to live having to be reminded that I no longer can be me nor have my life. It feels like I have to live how others want me to live and it's not fair. I have not committed any crimes, so why shouldn't I be free to live how I want?
I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to vent here. I don't have anyone who will listen to me, so I thank all that read.View Thread