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Reply: Scared

Trigger sorry it's been a while I took your suggestion & it's a really, really good...

Posted by Femfatal

Trigger sorry it's been a while

I took your suggestion & it's a really, really good thing I hadn't disassociated as the local hotline I called put me on hold, I hung up. But I did visit the "metanoia.org" resource you linked. I knew a Vietnam Vet for 30 years & took care of him for 12 of those years as he was blind. He as well as others in his support group told me many times I displayed signs of PTSD, I knew it, but didn't feel I deserved to be put in the same catagory as those who had served their country. I have a PTSD app given to me by his VA counslor I've used for a couple years & a Depression app I recently downloaded, I score extremely high on both.
Alcoholic, absentee father, bi-polar mother, physical, mental & sexual abuse, incest, there's a lot of demons in my closet & I've tried to keep them there. I was taught it was "family loyalty" & really didn't know it wasn't the same for others until high school. I was 14 when the sucidial thoughts began. That abuse carried over into my relationships & marriages as well. I was a mix between my domineering father & a mother that controled everyone through the weakness she displayed until dad died, then she showed the bitch I knew her to be. The woman who set me on fire when I was 7 years old.
There have been several suicides in the family & as I mentioned I've made many attemps while dissassociated under extreem stress. I've never gotten over the fear of my first
attempt, the fear of loosing control & I've never been the person
I once was. I don't care about being a Supermom, but I'd like
to enjoy life & make new friends using better judgement.
I have kept myself isolated from people, some people that could trigger me. Have been exercising, but not eating well & tears flow at the drop of a hat if I let my mind idol. Sleep is erratic; 4, to 14 hrs., does no good to set my 4 alarm clocks as if I'm going to sleep I will, if I'm not, I'm not.
I'm taking the Risperidone .5 mg as he perscribed, slightly increased seizure activity, but that could be due to the stress and sleep plus withdrawal from Requip. I see him Tuesday & plan to discuss what's been happening as well as getting into group therapy. There are some very dark demons that have never been dealth with & from what I read, to recover I'm going to have to deal with them instead of praying for the memories to go away & hiding in my Bible.
We tried to recover memories when I was 15 when they learned I really didn't have many, it didn't go well. I began losing present day memories & stress went through the roof so I quit. Tried again at 33 after a break ended in an attemp that left me in a coma awaking with 48 hrs. of my life missing. But the memories came flooding back so hard I couldn't handle it! I prayed for them to stop, I didn't want to remember anymore, they finally druged me enough the memories stoped. I spent 60 days in a mental hospital & came out very suicidial. So, yeah, it terrifies me to think I have to face this stuff if I ever want to be well again, but I don't want to live like this either. Will keep you updated. Thanks for sticking it out & for caring.View Thread

Posted byFemfatal

16 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Scared Trigger sorry it's been a while I took your suggestion & it's a really, really good...

Reply: Scared

This will be my last post here. I'm in crisis so this isn't the place for me to be.

Posted by Femfatal

16 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Scared This will be my last post here. I'm in crisis so this isn't the place for me to be.

Reply: Scared

Finding a new doctor in this area is easier said than done, but I'm trying. Years ago my...

Posted by Femfatal

Finding a new doctor in this area is easier said than done, but I'm trying. Years ago my son and I made a pact, he wouldn't kill himself if I didn't. He has no ideal how long that has kept me alive! Kinda of funny because before the first event I was 28, a wife, mother, bookkeeper, I owned/managed a real estate business and took care of an aging mother; I was a Supermom! Now I keep stress to the lowest level humanly possiable and keep that pact on my bedside table as a reminder of a promiss made and keep looking for answers.
For now, I reduced the Requip to .75mg by cutting it into fourths, cut the Resperidone in half for a .25 dosage, I can not reduce the Phenytec and am responding well. 48 hours ago my eyes where swollen shut from crying, now I'm functional again. I know my doctor will not appreciate me adjusting the dosage with consultation, I'll call him Monday and tell him what I've done. However, if he'd been listening the pass 3 years I wouldn't have gotten to this point to begin with. I've found it necessary to educate myself on all matter off medications used to treat mental illnesses and have debated with him on several ocassions over the use of those that either where not indicated for MDD, (his diagnoses), shouldn't be used considering my other health issues or I would not tolerate the side effects.
I would have thought an educated patient would be welcomed as the more someone understands their condition & treatment the more likely they will be to adhere to instructions, at least that's how I work. However my doctor does not like to be questioned by anyone, not even the pharmacy. I do not like that Resiperidone interacts with other medications I'm on nor do I care for the long term side effects. At this small dose I may be able to get away with it, however, the likelihood I will develop a tolerance to it and it need to be increase is high, therefore I'd rather find an alternative before I get to that point.
Maybe you could answer a question for me, I know Wellbutrin is not recommended for people who have seizures, however, looking at the stats on it, it doesn't appear to have any higher seizure risk than any other antidepressant medication. I'm not looking to replace the Nafazadone, we've tried several times with disasterous effects. But I know I need an add on with it and have already tried Depakote, Lamictal, Tegretol, Topamax & Abilify with no luck. Most of these drugs deepen the depression or caused paranoia, Tegretol was the only one I didn't have problems with, however, it caused liver problems in short order and had to be discontinued. I like Wellbutrin's make up & I can live with it's side effects. In a small dose, would it be a possiable canidate as an add on or am I missing something about the chemical make up that would not allow it to be used with Nafazadone?
There's a two fold reason I'm interested in it. One, it's effects, I fight terrible fatigue, some days only being out of bed for 3-4 hours before I crawl back in. The other is my son inherited whatever disorder I have and he's on it. He says it's not the complete answer, but it helps. He's been able to go back to work so I'd say it does!
I'm not looking for a high, I'm looking for a life before I die...my son & I are the last 2 living members of my line, no one has lived past 61 years of age. All deaths, save 1, were due to cardiovascular disease. We literally don't have the heart for it!
I deeply appreciate any information you can give me Please excues me if I come off "odd" I just find it very hard to feel anything right now. I long to be happy again.View Thread

Posted byFemfatal

16 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Scared Finding a new doctor in this area is easier said than done, but I'm trying. Years ago my...

Scared

I've battled sucidal thoughts since age 14, made 6 attemps all during periods of extreme...

Posted by Femfatal

I've battled sucidal thoughts since age 14, made 6 attemps all during periods of extreme stress during which I "disassociated" & woke up in either an ICU unit or a psy unit with amnesia. During this time I've been in 3 hospitals, seen 3 doctors and been diagnosed with MDD, ADD, Multi-personality, Separation Anxiety & probablly some I've forgotten. I've been on a rainbow of medications, some helped, most didn't. The one I had the best luck with was Nefazodone. It was the only one that took away the sucidial thoughts, however, after being stable for 15 yrs., it no longer works and I'm back at square one and scared as hell.
Do you have any ideal what it's like to be driving yourself to check into a hospital only to wake up 2 days later in ICU with no memory and be told you were found in a truck stop bathroom in a coma!? I had small children at that time, I turned them over to their father because I didn't know what was happening to me! Now there's Grand Children and I still don't know what's happening to me! And it seems as if the psy I put my trust in years ago is questioning his diagnosis after all these years and is as scared as I am!
I went in to see him today and he Finally writes an add on medication, but it interacts with other medications he knows I'm on! I'm 55 years old now & have several health conditions I must take medication for epilepsy, heart diease, diabeties, & RLS. He prescribes Resiperidone which interacts with the Requip & Phenytek. When called by the pharmacy he says to go off the 3 mg of Requip I've been on for years and take the med regardless of the Phenytek. As is I'll probablly have withdrawal symptoms from discontinuing the Requip to deal with on top of everything else!This is not the first time he's done this, my phramacy has stopped him from giving me medications several times these past 3 years which is how long I've been so unstable I can no longer go out unacompanied! I don't have family here & of course no friends, I'm on my own...no one will mourn me, no one will come to my funeral, but does that give him the right to Play Doctor with my life? If he doesn't know what to do why doesn't he just refer me to someone else?View Thread

Posted byFemfatal

16 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Scared I've battled sucidal thoughts since age 14, made 6 attemps all during periods of extreme...

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