I'm new to this community. It's actually harder than I imagined to open up and tell how I'm really feeling. It almost feels like self pity, but the truth of the matter is I have a severe problem and I know it. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for pity, and I'm not even looking for anyone to have the answer to my problem...I'm just reaching out for someones hand to grasp so that I'll know I'm not alone in this darkness. I have been fighting depression since before I was even old enough to know what depression is. My parents divorced at a young age and my father became a stranger. I was sexually abused as child by my stepfather for 10 years. I've never fully dealt with that pain, but my early experinces with men led to a string of abusive and dysfunctional relationships. Now, each and everyday I struggle with feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and an overall feeling of hopelessness. I have beautiful children whom I adore and I'm remarried to a good man who works hard, loves my children, and under most circumstances respects me but he can't seem to understand that some of his actions are so incredibly painful to me that I have days where I simply don't want to continue. I feel as though he is ashamed of me, as though he's only married to me behind closed doors. He excludes me from alot of his life when it comes to family and friends, and I feel as though he isn't always honest when it comes to these things. Lately my depression and anxiety have been almost unbearable. I have seen a physician and I'm taking Lamictal and Xanax to stabilize my moods and control my anxiety but I hate having to rely on a drug to make me not feel. This is how I normally feel after taking Xanax. Although it does help my anxiety I sometimes have feelings of apathy, as though whatever happens, happens. Recently, I actually prayed to God to not let me wake up the next morning...but he did...so I guess that means at least someone recognizes my need to be here. Often I feel as though those in my life would be better off without me and that feeling is getting stronger. The one thing that keeps me going are my children. I can't bear the thought of leaving them behind with so many questions and hating me for giving up and not fighting hard enough. So that's a little about who I am...a little sad...a little hurt...a little confused...a little crazy...View Thread
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have gone to counseling recently and I loved my counselor. She was a wonderful individual who was helping me get it together. However, I lost my insurance and could no longer continue to see her. I had such a connection with her that the thought of starting over with someone else in and of itself was depressing. I am searching though for someone to start seeing again. Thank you again for responding.View Thread
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