I am a 41 year old woman, with a daughter, husband and dog. I am fortunate to have everything I need in life, yet can not find any joy. Yes, I am seeing a therapist, have been for 14 years throughout various moves, etc for my husband's job. I have been on/off meds over those 14 years - but some I am allergic to and others make me a zombie. I have many health issues, but the biggest one dictating my life is the depression/anxiety. I have been on medications, but recently have been told by a Psychiatrist that I am perfectly normal and do not need to be on anything. In other words, I have been through enough therapy to know all the buzz words and use them during sessions...
I am not functioning well. I have a daughter/husband/dog who only want love, and I struggle to find it. I feel worthless, and selfish, because I can not bring myself to stop hurting them by not wanting to participate and actively yelling at them all (yes, even the poor dog gets it). I want to run away, but don't even know how to do that without giving up my medical benefits and irrevocably hurting those I think I love - though with this illness, the feeling of love is difficult to define.
I can not do housework anymore without feeling like an indentured servant, I have a strong reaction now to having to do everyone else's laundry/dishes/meals/shopping/etc - which is certainly not the feeling you want to have when you are stuck as a housewife. I work a part-time job from home, volunteer at my daughter's school, run a cheerleading squad, participate in a choir, and read - all of which I do with the express purpose of trying to find some focus outside of my issues. It doesn't work most of the time. I only feel relief while actually at the activities. Any time I am at home, I am a certified wreck.
The platitudes I read make me sick, I want to actually feel better - and not have everyone tell me I should feel better and all I need is to "think positive".
My situation is not uncommon, I know. I have made choices in my life that got me to where I am now. I recognize all of that. What I need, and have been unable to find for 14 years, is some measure of peace. Of not feeling like I am a mis-fit. I want to feel I belong, but instead I am an outsider in my own world.
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