[Trigger] I am 43 years old and on SSI disability for depression. I have a few failed suicide attempts and have been on medication for depression for over 10 years. I am trying to find something in my life which would make me want to live. I rent a small room and have a few bills like car insurance, cell phone, and house bills like electricity and garbage. After I pay those I use the rest ofr my money to buy food. This accounts for the first two to three days of each month after I get my check which is around$1200 a month. The rest of the month is spent in bed due to my low back disk problem or just due to depression. Most of my friends have moved away from me as time has gone on and I cannot blame them one bit. I am miserable and in physical and emotional pain constantly. I have no real family to speak of. My mother could care less if I am alive or dead. My sister loves me and wants to help me but I feel guilty for being a burden on her. She has her own 13 year old son to take care of and a husband as well. I do not want to bring her down or cause problems for her. I have only a couple of friends left but they don't really understand how I feel or what I am going through.
My life has been one big mistake. I do not feel like I am even supposed to be here. I just want it all to end. I do have a belief in God and pray every night. Begging him to remove me from this place. And every morning to my horror, I wake up still here on this God forsaken planet.
I am not in therapy because I am on SSI Disability and have Medicare so it seems no therapists accept medicare. That in itself is depressing because you would think people become therapists or psychologists to help people but they really want that $200 an hour. I live in San Jose, california if you know anyone who accepts medicare.View Thread