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No light at the End of the Tunnel

I unlike a lot of you, am the one who IS depressed and NOT the one living with a...

Posted by Mxyzptlk

I unlike a lot of you, am the one who IS depressed and NOT the one living with a depressed person.
I believe I have been depresssed for MOST of my life. As a teenager I actively entertained the Idea of "eating" a bullet and ending it all. Obviously I did not do that.
So, I can't put a date on when I became "depressed" or when I started to feel a very real sense that there just wasn't any use in trying to make life "better" 'cause it just wasn't going to happen.
How do I feel some of you might ask or not as the case may be. I feel like pure crap to be honest. I have no job. I searched intently for about a year and couldn't find work or for that matter anyone who would even call me in for an interview. So, no work. No work, no pay. No pay and I am flat broke. My Wife is working 3 jobs to make ends meet and due to my depression or (?) something I just for the most part don't give a damn.
She loves me like I was the greatest guy on the planet. I love her too. But, for any reason , for NO reason, a good reason, a bad reason, a big reason, a small reason ,etc, we fight. I am angry ALL the time and don't really know why.
I had a fall in 2006 working for the family, for NO pay, NO benifits, NO insurance, NO respect and very damned little gratitude and broke my back. I have Meniere's disease and so my balance is screwed up. I have sleep apnea and have had IT forever as well. In my case I use a CPAP but even with it- I do not EVER reach the stage of sleep where you get rest and your body rids itself of toxins in the brain , You know the Delta wave form of brain activity. With me it don't happen, EVER. Oh and BTW I hurt constantly --like 24x7 - 168 hrs out of every waking day I hurt. From the back of my head to the soles of my feet I hurt. I have (due to MANY long years of back breaking labor) degenerative joint disease in the 3rd,4th,and 5th Lumbar vertebrae. The disks have degenerated to the point that the vertebrae rub together sometimes and it feels like I have broken glass in the joints of my back. The T-3 or 3rd thoracic has a compression fracture that I believe I recieved in the fall I had mentioned earlier. I fell off the back of a Flatbed truck (18 wheeler) while unloading and landed "flat as a fritter" as my dad use to say on my back. I did the math and I hit the ground with OVER 8000 ft lbs of pressure , that's like having 2 full grown elephants stand on your chest or in my case back for about 1/10 to 1/4 of a second. Still long enough to mash the hell out of you. I also have had a broken neck and have pain associated with that.
So, #1 I am depressed and bipolar II ( or maybe depressed because I have CFS- my Psychiatrist hasn't decided yet)
#2 I am TIRED and not just like "jeez it's been a hard day at work " tired but more like I could not give damn if the sun comes up tomorrow TIRED, FATIGUED, WORE slap-ass OUT. My mind is foggy, I can't think straight, I get confused and forget what I'm doing just turning around RIGHT WHERE I AM STANDING.
This is HARD.
I used to out work ANY 3 men I ever had worked with and did it RIGHT the first time. What can I say, I was lazy and didn't want to do things twice.
I feel like for all intents and purposes my life is over.
Relationship-wise my life has really sucked too.
I am in my 4th marriage. First wife was abused sexually, mentally, physically before I ever met her and then later after we were divorced she was murdered and her body burned till NO DNA could be obtained for ID-ing her. #2 and #3 were also sexually abused. It seems that statistics show this happens to females in 8 out every 10 families. #4 - Abused too BUT she dealt with it in a better way than the others.
So, I've kinda had a hell of a life or Life has been HELL for me, depending on MY perspective.
So, to make things look "Better" as I head toward the grave I have the reasuring thought that after I have gone thru HELL here I get to go to another when I die - FOREVER !
Not TOO much to be DEPRESSED about is there ???View Thread

Posted byMxyzptlk

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:No light at the End of the Tunnel I unlike a lot of you, am the one who IS depressed and NOT the one living with a...

Drugs & Doctors

I posted earlier about depression and how I feel but don't think I adequately covered it....

Posted by Mxyzptlk

I posted earlier about depression and how I feel but don't think I adequately covered it. I am also A-mazaed by the overwhelming number of responses I have gotten

Thank you very much.

Most days I don't feel like doing ANYTHING, I feel SO bad I don't WANT to do anything.

I think that this is where people who don't have to deal with depression on a VERY personal basis fail to gain understanding of the disease.

They say "get up and do SOMETHING" But, when it takes a seemingly superhuman effort to even go to the bathroom to relieve myself that SOMETHING can be a very small achievement. LIke getting out of bed, or washing my face, or maybe on a good day having the ENERGY - the initiative to overcome this OVERWHELMING weight on my mind to just wash my cereal bowl from breakfast.

I used to be up at all hours of the day and night working. And no it wasn't shift work, I drove trucks for a living and I drove to make MONEY - not just for the "fun" of it or as a means to see the country. Like some paid tourist.

I dorve, on slow weeks ( In my prime ), 3600 mi. to 3800 mi and on a week when I pushed - I have put in upwards of 6000 mi in a week. (7 day 168 hr period). I didn't do it for my health , My sole intent was to make as much money, as fast as I could, and GET THE HELL OUT before it killed me. I feel I should also mention that unlike some in the trucking industry I drove( 3million+mi ) without EVER using drugs to help -- I drove strictly on piss and vinegar and PURE determination.

I worked in similar ways on other jobs I've had putting in as many as 100 hrs in a week on an hourly or salaried job.

I was used to getting things done . ( emphatic PERIOD )

Now with the pain I have constantly, the RELENTLESS feeling of mind deadening fatigue, the depression, loss of balance from Menieres I am affectively disabled , permanently. This is as good as it is going to get for the REST of MY life.

I was so used to working around the clock I could lay down to sleep after going for days non-stop driving or building out a store ( I managed multiple multimillion $ retail locations ) ,doing construction or whatever paid me at the time - knowing I could sleep only an hour or two and WITHOUT an alarm I would wake at EXACTLY the time I needed to.

I shaved and showered every day.

Now I don't feel good enough to even WANT to simply wash my face and go for weeks without cleaning up ... at all.

You see this Depression and the Bipolar II that I suppose is an associated disease of the depression is kickcing my ass , literally, I feel like a one legged man in a Proffesional level Soccer match. And let tell you people so you will fully understand the gravity of that statement, NOTHING has ever affected me like this in my LIFE before now.

I have been on a steady decline now for about ....well since about 2003.

I see a Psychiatrist regularly and my PCP as well, both are trying to help me get a grip on this and kick it's ass for a change but, ..... nothing has worked so far. Welbutrin - made me even MORE volitale than ever, Mirapex - no help, Abilify, Buspar, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Zoloft, Klonopin, Celexa, Trileptal...... no significant help. I am as depressed and as prone to blow up on ANYBODY as I would be (I think) without taking drugs at all.

I see a therapist weakly and she tells me I have guilt, anger and grief issues I need to deal with. And gets that information from a questionaire I filled out prior to meeting her about "who I think I am" . Amazing,the insight that woman does have !

I don't exercise, if I do I am in worse pain than usual for DAYS afterward.

I read about many things on my computr and try to keep my mind as busy, although much of the time I sleep in front of it and don't even know WHEN I went to sleep ...like a Narcoleptic.

I did have an IQ of 158. Nearly genius level. I am still no "dumby". I know if I don't throw this off of me and somehow get better it will kill me but, so far I am unsuccessful.

I guess I'm just too tired/ depressed to fight anymore.View Thread

Posted byMxyzptlk

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Drugs & Doctors I posted earlier about depression and how I feel but don't think I adequately covered it....

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