L and I worked through it. Stay together for the kids, right? Anyway, I retired from the military. L met another guy and left with him. I kept the kids.
I tried to end it. Ambien and Zoloft...lots. Ended up in the ER. Again, I was medicated and analyzed
After L left, I searched for and found C again. I reached out to her, This time she answered.
It turned out the C had not had an time of things either.
Remember that abortion I mentioned earlier? C was more than 3 months pregnant at the time and the doctor initially would not agree to do the abortion. But her mother hounded the doctor until he agreed and did it in his private office.
After an injection, he induced labor and the fetus was delivered. C's mom instructed the doctor to put the fetus in a jar and leave it at C's bedside for her to find when she awoke from the procedure.
This haunted her for the rest of her life. She became and addict. Drugs and alcohol. She married and addict, They had a daughter. She left him. Years later she married and had more children, two sons.
This is where I found her. She was in therapy. M-F. AA meetings, psychiatrist, group therapy. She was in the process of closing the chapter on the loss of our baby, and I arrived in time to assist in the closure and letting go.
L and I divorced.
C and I kept in touch and fell in love again.
Meanwhile, L's current love interest turned out to be a con man, a thief and a liar. He started to beat her, and I rode in on my white horse and saved her. L came back home because I was leaving the country for a month and I thought it would be good to have her at home with our three kids. (We had a daughter together after our son)
I continued on with C regardless. C was married so our relationship existed in texts, emails Facebook, and phone calls.
Liz got sick, possible uterine cancer. No insurance for her. I could not be the one to tell our kids that I knew and didn't help. I remarried L. I ended the relationship with C, telling her that I did not want to be the catalyst to her marriage ending when I had been through that already.
I lost C.
Years later, and at least four men later, I asked L to leave. My kids are all grown now, and they know about everything that has happened.
I truly understand the heartbreak you feel. I am a broken man, and I do not know that I will ever be whole again. I often don't even care.
I miss C with all my heart and soul.
My life is a meaningless blur. I wake up, I work, I eat, I sleep, then repeat it again everyday, day after day.
My kids are my life, and with the exception of my son who will leave soon to finish his senior year in college, they have all grown and moved on.
I live in a 3000 square foot home, my son and I. Often I am alone in it, but soon I will be alone in it. I dread that day.
As Tom Hanks said in Cast Away:
"I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *nothing*. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day, my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back in Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I got to keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"
Do not lose hope. If I can endure all that I have, then you must do the same and find it within yourself to do these things, if not for yourself. then for your children. For if they lose you, then what happens to them?