"I want them to love me".... "get easily hurt when those people I love do not love me back the way I want them to"...."which I know is stupid"..."it's confusing"..."I want to be loved"..."hurt".."they see me being lonely at church"...."I refused to talk"...."When I had the opportunity"... " - this all points to this one - "I want them to love me".
Here's something that's really hard that you need to understand and apply. Love is something you give.
- We all need love. I think there may have been psychological studies (maybe, maybe not) that have proven that without love, the body has actual health problems. A baby who receives no love at all won't last long before they die. A lack of love does contribute to things like depression, suicide attempts, axiety, bodily shock, panic attacks, etc. etc. etc. and if it's bad enough... disease can snatch onto the body cause the body is fatigued from some of those other things. There's no doubt that we all need love, but you can't make someone love you. You can only love
- Don't get upset when you don't receive love. Love is something you give.
- Love works somewhat like generosity. Generosity breeds generosity. Say someone gives a gift of $50 to a person and receives $0 back. Then they give 1000 more gifts of the same and receive the same result. Then they give a gift of $300 to 100 people and receive only a total of $300 back from all of those people combined. But then this man receives a sign to hang in his kitchen that says, "Who needs Santa, we love PawPaw". By this time, even if by some chance, he hasn't received much back, this person will be so fully of joy and jolly because when you give a gift to somebody, you give that gift to them because you want to. Because you love that person. Of course, it's not good to give gifts out of obligation, cause that confuses things. But each time you sincerely give a gift to a person, your relationship with that person becomes closer, even if that person doesn't give a monetary gift back to you. You still are closer to that person. Love works the same way. Each time you do something for a person, in general, you pull that person closer to you. Some people are more selfish than others. Some people are so wrapped up in their own problems that they don't give back very well. But you love anyway, and you don't worry about if they are going to love back or not, because you already got your reward back - that you showed them love.
Imagine an emergency room. you walk in with 23 marbles in your hand. Everybody says, "help me! help me!" you give the first person 1 marble and say, "I have medicine for you". They are healed for that day. Then you give the second person 5 marbles and say, "I have medicine for you". They say, "Thank you!" your eyes gaze past the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th person and you go over to the 8th person and you give them 10 marbles, and they don't even say thank you. then you go to the 13th person and you give them 2 marbles and they are completely overjoyed and say thank you so many times. then you turn around and go to the 6th person and give them the rest of your marbles and they cry. Then you leave. Some of them needed medicine/marbles from you. But you can't give to everybody. And to some people, you may give more than others.
Now, imagine a person who is stingy. Whenever they are in the emergency room saying, "Help me" they receive 10 marbles. They are healed but they don't leave the emergency room to go take a breath of fresh air and then walk back into the emergency room as a healed person to pass out all their marbles that they received to other people that are still in there. They just stay there to collect marbles.
Now, imagine the person that receives only 2 marbles.They leave and invest at the local store their two marbles and receive 6 marbles.Then they invest the 6 marbles and gain back 10 marbles.Then they go back to the emergency room and pass out their marbles.View Thread
"i get easily hurt" - don't be so sensitive! This is something that someone can say for ten years before this light bulb goes off, and that's OK! One day, there will be a light bulb that will go off where you have a better way of knowing when to get upset and when not to. If it's any encouragement, you're not the only one! There are lots of people that are too sensitive. But you admit it! That's going to take you closer to fixing it! I said something about the OKC World Airport only flying planes to the DFW International airport, and made two grown ass men mad cause they're too sensitive. The comment was something like, "Yeah, well, that world airport banks their buck off of DFW international flights". The only point to the comment is to test intelligence by throwing out there something that's hard to follow, knowing that 9/10 people are going to miss it, and 2/10 will get offended, 7/10 will laugh, and 3/10 will be witty enough to respond back with "I know, right? named after someone who died in a plane crash" or "Ha ha! That's funny"... just pure entertainment - to see what someone's made of. In their family, EVERY member of that family is too sensitive! For that reason, I enjoy pissing off that family. It's fun. They need to grow up. Some adults go their entire lives getting offended at stupid stuff. At least you recognize it. Now you can change it! The people that I am describing are people that - still at age 35 - say, "I'm not sensitive!" That's why they haven't changed it.
"Isolating myself" - that's your choice! It's kinda like being sensitive. Don't do that.
"I don't know how to tell them that I am suffering from depression" - you just say it. "I think I may get depressed sometimes. I don't know if I want meds for it, but I do struggle with it. I really love you. Sometimes I don't feel like you love me or sometimes I feel like I am a burden to you. I'm sorry if I am. I don't mean to be."
"when I have the opportunity to talk, I act differently and don't talk" - what are you doing here may be on the "drama queen" spectrum. Don't take that as bad. Drama queen sounds really terrible because of the things people say about it. But here's what you need to realize. In order to not be a drama queen, you have to not ever start any drama. Next, you have to learn how to not pour gasoline on top of drama. Next, you have to learn how to diminish drama when you get put in the middle of it, how to stay out of it, and when you should take of it and when you should stay out of it. But in order to go through that process, you have to learn that starting drama is not always something that takes words. It's not just the person that throws a fit. It's anything that creates a situation where the fun loving easy going times are turned into tension. So first, you got to realize how to not create drama. The secret is not about how to not be the crazy person cause you can be the sane person and someone else can be the crazy person and the crazy person can still make you the drama queen to everybody else - which is not fair. The thing that's easier for people to see the truth is - who started it. By being too sensitive, or getting offended, or not opening up when you have the opportunity to or isolating yourself, some of that creates drama. Sometimes you need to say, "Hey! Can I talk with you if you have a chance?" and pull someone aside. But otherwise, you want to be involved in whatever can be positive that is going on. If someone gives you the opportunity to talk and you don't, it's a cry for help in a way... kinda like saying to them, "please try harder to get me to talk" but can be perceived as creating drama. If they give you the opportunity to talk, talk! If you don't have it and need it, ask for it. And if you don't have it and can't ask, just be positive until you do have it.View Thread
All of this that I'm giving you is just surface stuff (cause I don't know how serious the abuse was). Another thing to realize is that abuse is a weird item, and it's hard to deal with, but it's one that can heal for the most part.
for example - take a parent who's child committed suicide. Is that pain going to heal? NO! You will see the regret, guilt, pain, anger, sadness, etc. in the eyes of that parent for the rest of their lives. At times, it will diminish but that's their kid.
An abused person doesn't necessarily have shame or regret or the same types of things. But one thing they do have for sure is trust issues. That doesn't heal. They can learn to trust again but they trust differently. However, when they are around someone they trust, their eyes light up, as if they have never been abused!
I think that's about all I can say to try to give you some tools to help with the situation with the couple sentences you gave. You are welcome to e-mail me as much as you like specific situations. I won't talk real specific on forums.
Here's my thoughts on the rest just real quick - if any of this is helping - hopefully...
"I am also often times bullied at school" - analyze your ability to take up for yourself, and again - your ability to talk with witt. Do you know what I mean by witt? It's a playful way of picking on somebody right back. When people attack you, be careful not to attack back. That's not witt. Sometimes you can avoid abuse by acting very playful, becoming confident in who you are, joking around with people. having a positive outlook, and not showing insecurities. For serious abuse, sometimes something needs to be reported to the counselor or principal. Don't wait for your friends or teachers to report it for you or take up for you.
When you say "at school" - it give me the impression you are young. At first, I had the impression you were much older than a teenager. I guess you might be in high school? Depending on your age, there are things to consider.
High school runs on a basic psychological level. Here's what I mean by that. The human species is something between an animal and an angel. There is a 6th sense in which we can follow the voice of the holy spirit, or God's calling, and other animals can't do that. But that doesn't mean everybody believes that way or does certain things. All that means is that humans are capable of some things that other animals can't do - like build buildings, create entire laws and systems like tax law and languages. A kid learns and observes. A teenager is starting to apply what they have learned, but they aren't experts yet. Some adults get stuck at a maturity level somewhat close to teenagers, while other adults move on and do great things.
High school works like this. You have a week gazelle that is picked on by the lions when the elephants aren't around to defend the gazelle. Often, the lions are only lions in high school. Bullys are only at the top for a decade or so, because what is popular might be drinking, smoking, sleeping around, picking on people, putting yourself above others. And that's not how the world works. You don't get to the top in the long race by putting yourself above others. So these lions become the gazelles later on. But when they do, it's not as cut and dry. There are more animals besides just the major categories.
The simplicity of the teenager's mind encourages bullying because people are categorized as preps, band nerds, pot heads, sluts, jocks. Later on, in the work place, you have more of an ability to be yourself and not get categorized. people are more relaxed. Sometimes the pot heads are the elephants who will protect, because they are more relaxed. Those addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, meth, cocaine etc. - not so much.
"longing for affection" - try cuddling up to your mom on a regular basis and telling her you love her.View Thread
Ignoring people in general - or things they do and say. This is a lot easier said than done, because it'll get under their skin and make the "situation" worse. You have to know you're in the right first before you ignore, and then when they attack you or get upset cause you're ignoring, you have to know how to handle that. Some people use passive aggressive techniques in a situation like this. I can't stand passive aggressive, only cause I've seen the dark sides of it, but it has it's place. Another technique used is to play naive. Again - I don't recommend that either, because it's just as manipulative as passive aggressive. I typically use a more pure and honest response by ignoring, and if they have a problem with me ignoring, then expressing disapproval or simply saying something like, "I'm sorry. I'm watching TV. Is that OK with you?" You don't want to go so far as to saying something like, "I'm sorry. Is there a problem? Cause you came in here screaming like a psycho for no particular reason and no one in this room instigated that but you." That's not going to do anything but piss people off and start a battle you don't want.
Of course there are times when it might be appropriate to piss people off. The deal about it is - just to realize you're playing with fire. You may win the battle, but you increase the longevity of the war, and relationships become harder as they get more complex. You always want to avoid over complicating a relationship.
physical abuse - it was just by your mom. She's a female. First step is to tell yourself to get over it and that it's not as bad as being physically abused by a male. Physical abuse from a male to a female is terrifying for the female and can really mess with that female, psychology.
Second step is to realize where you can't get over it and why. Do you feel like she loves you unconditionally or not? That's going to play into a lot of items for you. A mother's love is unconditional most of the time. If it's not, it's detrimental to the kid and of course - that's a subject that's completely different than abuse, and out of my league to discuss, cause it's not something I can even begin to understand. For that - you want to go to somebody who understands that and gives good advice on it. Maybe a LPC or a psychologist or maybe a peer or friend at church. But be careful - SERIOUSLY BE CAREFUL - before you make that kind of assessment, because a mother's verbal and physical abuse towards her kid does not point to a lack of love - at all. That may be something you need to dig into for yourself - if you feel loved, but her abuse has nothing to do with a lack of love.
If you realize - "I don't feel loved" - research things like narcissism, depression, etc. Find out if it's your own issue and if people do love you. It is perfectly possible for someone to not feel loved at all when they are very loved. Some of these people who commit these terrible crimes are angry cause they didn't feel loved. A lot of times, there is something about them that is hard to love. Maybe they go around angry, don't shower, or always want attention. It could be anything. Doesn't mean people don't love that person, but are you a person that people should want to be around just as much or more than everyone else around you.
One of your biggest items may be realizing that the abuse from your mom is not necessarily a lack of love. It could have to do with something that has nothing to do with you or is out of your control. Does your mom have shame? Was she abused?
Realizing what you can and can't control. Realizing who controls you. Realizing if you are a controlling person or not. Realizing how to break away from controlling relationships. Realizing that a relationship is either build around respect or control. Figuring our how to run your relationships under respect rather than control. Control and abuse run parallel to each other. what does this mean??View Thread
"i did not expect this actually., u asked me if i have ever been abused? yes" - thought so.
I'm actually writing a book on abuse. You are welcome to talk in detail with me at JettaCareyJames@gmail.com.
The first step is realizing it, so that's good.
Verbal abuse - the first step is - get over it. You can't control what people do. It's exhausting to try to control what people think of you. When you lash out in anger against a person that has mistreated you, you only contribute to the situation. So, realize that people say things, and no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Verbal abuse - second step is to practice witt. You will meet someone who is very witty. Unless you are of high intelligence or genius level intelligence, these people will not test you and try you very often. test your IQ to see where you're at. If it's lower, play brain puzzles and games and research how to become sharper in mind. Go on a brain food diet. If it's higher, take that as an encouragement. When you are of sharp mind, others of sharp mind can tell. they will play what is known as a "battle of witts" with you. It's not a board game. It's not something they will say where they actually call it that out loud. It's just picking on you. They are testing your sharpness of mind. Your role in this battle is to not get offended, and always have something better to say back. Here are the basics:
- They pick playfully - you pick back playfully [someone get's offended> -- this is how you know the intelligence level isn't all that high
- They pick playfully - you pick back playfully [someone get's offended> -- this is how you know the intelligence level isn't all that high - they pick carefully - you pick strategically - they pick intellectually - you say something that wins the whole game
It's not really like that - but that's the idea.
If someone makes fun, you can say something like, "I know, right???" If someone says something that makes you uncomfortable, realize if you are uncomfortable because of what they are saying or because of your own insecurities. That's a good way to know if they are picking on you playfully or if they are disrespecting you with what they are saying.
Leaning how to make fun of yourself helps. If you can make fun of yourself, it can stop others from making fun of you. You have to build confidence before you try it cause if you don't have enough confidence first, you'll start something just for everyone else to follow in after you - making fun of you.
Knowing your self value! - this is huge! All this stuff that I'm saying sounds so stupid - but it just sounds stupid when put down in words. If I were to use any of this in a book, I'd have to figure out a way to re-word all of it so it doesn't sound so stupid, but it's not actually stupid. Knowing your self value is a big deal, especially when others around you don't value you.
The words of Jesus in Matthew 19 talk about how from the very beginning, it was this way - that a man should not divorce his wife. Also - that a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. Then Jesus says that Moses permitted divorce but that man who divorces except because of marital unfaithfulness commits adultery. And that any man who can not divorce should not divorce but not everyone can accept this. Those who can should.
The way I read that is - if a man is abusive to you - actually abusive where he is physically harming you or you are scared he might kill you - then I think you don't have to accept that word. There are situations when a woman needs out. But all these reasons why people get divorced aren't permitted by the words of Jesus Christ. Divorce happens over a lack of money, too much arguing, a man hits a woman once, a man is impossible to live with and the woman is not happy, etc. etc. etc.
"no emotional boundaries with his mother" - what do you mean by this? i think he should be able to call his mom as much as he wants. Every day if he wants to. That's good. Not making independent decisions is different. Visiting a lot is good. But if he were to lie to you in order to go visit his family, then you've got the problem of him knowing that you're trying to take him away from his family.
"she's belittled, insulted, and threatened me." - why did you marry him, then?
"I stood up for myself" - I would think this would only cause problems but it seems like it helped, so that's awesome! Good job!
"she more or less forced him to co-sign the refinanced mortgage" - she didn't force him to do anything. That is just an excuse. If he's a man, nobody forces him to do anything.
"put him on the hook for other financial responsibilities" - you're listening to his excuses. If he owes her money, he should help her
"Please tell me that the next time I put my heart on the line that I won't have some awful potential mother-in-law crush my hopes and dreams by refusing to let her son go. I also know to run away screaming from a guy who has no true boundaries with his mother at the age of 34. " - so you left him over it, which in my opinion is wrong. You don't divorce over that.
OK. That sounds a little extreme that he would delete the e-mail account all together. Are you sure it's actually deleted? I wouldn't even know how to delete my e-mail account. Shoot an e-mail over to it and see if it bounces back. Take some time. There is nothing wrong with time in dating. If you feel you will lose a person because dating them for a few years is going to be too hard on the relationship, then the relationship isn't strong enough for marriage.