- What about the family members? I will tell you that I know of another person that committed suicide, and I watched her parent's bodies get destroyed on the inside. They were the most happy people, fun"026. So much fun to be around"026. And it was almost ten years before they began to smile and again. It changed them forever. I only knew this person from afar, because I used to play lemmings (computer game) with them as a kid. But even just that little bit of exposure to how awesome of a person they were, and that they would do that, I found myself with emotion I had never had before. My mother screamed, "Who are you? Who are you?" to someone who had made the phone call to our house. She was very close to the person, and was on the floor, completely destroyed. PURE selfish. The person that dies"026 their gone. I've heard it said before, "If you do that, don't expect me to come to your funeral, cause I'm not going to come""026 and I kinda agree with that mindset. Although that's not what I remember. I think my mom left, and spent the time with her parents. But she decided on it. That was an impulse decision, that left her not hurting anymore, and transferred more pain than what she had to her family. So, I don't know"026 maybe it is a sin. I think you should probably pull out your bible and study that verse that talks about it. But it certainly isn't something that's OK to do because it places pain and hurt into other people's lives, and usually to great lengths.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance". I don't think suicide is considering ANYTHING joy! The testing of your faith develops perseverance. Why? So that Perseverance can work within you so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Not lacking anything gives no promise that God will protect your home, your wedding, your money... It means God will protect your soul. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to him, but when he asks he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and toss by the wind... that man will not receive anything from the Lord. He is a double minded man. Unstable in all he does...
So some of this may not say suicide directly, but when you don't at least try to consider a trial joy - when you just run away like a coward - and put everyone that loves you at a higher level of pain and subject them all to anger toward God for what you decided to do - then could that be the man that does not receive anything from the Lord... because he is unstable... blown and tossed by the wind.
I am getting this from James.
I don't have a bible with me right now. But if I have a chance, I will try to look it up, to give you some more feedback. [br> [br> I have heard many that believe that it's an unforgivable sin. Again... I don't know the scriptures of where they get that or if it's taken our of context or whatever - but what you can do is find out where that comes from, and then research something that's called exegetical interpretation or exegesis. This gives you a perspective on what the passage says because it gives you research on who, what, where, when, how in the time period it was written with regard to the surrounding historical influences, the intended audience by which it was written and the actual audience which received the document. Hermeneutics is the application of that text to today - which is what everybody jumps to without first knowing anything about Exegesis. This Exegesis is very difficult to find, because religiosity and churches running as social clubs is the trend much more strongly than pure biblical study, and those that are sitting down for biblical study have not a clue on where to start. [br> View Thread
Really? Cause in the same sentence, basically, that you are saying, "I don't like who I am" you are defining who you are by events that #1 - you can't control and #2 - they're in the past!
Start living your life! Pot may help you better than these medications. Maybe your doctor could prescribe it to you. (Don't do the fake stuff). Or hot baths, exercise, etc. etc. etc. But utilimately, with as much as you have struggled, none of that is going to be enough. The only thing that's going to help you is a re-wiring of how you think.
1. Don't be negative.
2. Read the book "Power of Positive Thinking" and instead of tossing it aside and saying, this book is so lame! - it's not even realistic, write your own! Or write a book about the struggles of depression. Search within yourself, and go out and help people. Find something. Find an outlet. Find yourself. Because here's the deal - you aren't thinking in a good way, and you're going to be very depressed until you change the way you are thinking.
3. Realize your genetics aren't helping you, so what does that mean? That you should give up? Well.... survival of the fittest.... But if you give up, nobody should care about you. Because you put that on a bunch of other people, and pulled them down. Realize that being a coward about this should not be an option, and that right now - you are reaching out. You aren't being a coward. So don't even entertain those thoughts! The power of the mind is very strong. Don't even entertain negative thoughts at all. Right now, you're doing good. And you can keep climbing forward. One baby step every day if that's all it is, but you don't have to get better and get worse. You can just get better and better and you can beat this because God gives you this promise - that you will not have more than you can handle. Are you a child of God? You might start with that. His hand of protection can be very strong, and over time, as you build that relationship, you will begin to have a different perspective. You need that perspective to keep you strong.
4. Start observing people who you look up to and who don't seem to have any depression. Observe how they do everything. From saying hello to people, to shopping, to answering your questions, to sometimes not wanting to be around you or not wanting to talk to you, to what they wear, what they drink, what they eat, how they dress, how they handle themselves online, etc. Not everything is about you. If you feel as though nobody truly wants to listen, maybe it's because you're not very fun to listen to! You are not the victim. These things are not harder than what everyone else has gone through. You haven't named anything in this paragraph that sounds like a huge life trial. Your life is not worse than theirs, and you don't have it worse than other people. What is so very different is your ATTITUDE and PERSPECTIVE. You feel like your life is worse. You feel like all these things have happened to you. You feel like you are on the front lines of the battle zone. If you feel that way, then you're not going to last through the battle. The front lines people don't make it far. Even if they live a long time, they don't do anything but pull everyone else down their entire lives. Do you really want to be that person? And I can feel you saying, "No... then I shouldn't even be here...." No.... Again.... we don't go there. Don't be a coward. Pick up your sword and shield (meaning your smile, your professional side, your sense of humor, your passions, your goals, of whatever makes you who God is calling you to be) and march forward. Notice every little thing you do vs. every little thing these other people do that don't have depression. What is different? Find the differences. Here are the differences that you are looking for:
- their attitude - their perspective - the way they speak (tone of voice) - what they say (positive speaking) - they way they interpret lifeView Thread
It sounds like depression runs in your family, and seems to me like you have made a dear friend, goldenlily, who understands somewhat exactly what you are feeling, so you are not alone. Listen, you have got to beat this. Suicide is not an option. How did you feel when your brother and nephew committed suicide? Torn up? Ripped to shreds? It's been pretty hard on you, so think about if you did that too... How hard would it be on everyone else in your family? Do you want to leave some legacy that your family members have some kind of issue with suicide? You may just have a tendency toward depression. That may be genetic but it doesn't need to be something so big that you should leave the people you love to deal with yet another huge trial like that. Here's the thing about trials. You are given trials by God so that you can be a light in this world and you are given a choice. Suicide is a choice, and you can choose it, but I'm not so sure you will be honored by God for that choice. Some people believe that suicide is an unforgivable sin, while other people aren't sure if it's a sin or not... why risk it and why put your family through that heartache, because you know that it's completely and utterly selfish. Here's what you need to do. You need to realize that both of these people who committed suicide were selfish. They were selfish to do it to you, and you would be selfish to do it to your family. Realizing this is going to help you to get past sympathizing with them and get to a place where you can move on. Because the person who commits suicide is dead. They don't have any pain any more. So why do they need any sympathy? It's pure selfishness. Tell yourself this until you can believe it. It doesn't mean you don't love both of these people, and it doesn't mean they didn't love you. But what it does mean is that you have to be stronger than that. You can't just go and walk in that path just because you've seen it or been a part of it. In fact, it's because you've seen it and been a part of it that you should know exactly how selfish it is, and should know not to do it.
2. The next thing - "Consider it pure joy... when you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance". Do you want to be a person who perseveres or runs away like a coward? This is from of James out of the Christian bible. "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything". Do you want to be mature or run away like a baby? Do you want to be complete? Because complete doesn't mean happy, with money, and with a perfect life. Complete means your soul is in tact, and you are a child of God and a light to the world around you. "Anyone who lacks wisdom should ask God and it will be given to him" - so pray! "Cast your worries upon him, for he cares for you!" know that if you confess your believe in Christ Jesus as Messiah and Ask God to for forgiveness and redemption and petition for the Holy Spirit to come into your life and confess publicly through baptism your belief in the Holy Trinity, then you receive the promises of God, such as "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper, give you hope, and a future". Do you want these things? Do you have hope? Do you have faith? Because right now, you don't feel like you have much of a future... You need to turn to God and find yourself. Life is not going to be perfect, and chances are, you will struggle with depression for your entire life. That may be the way you are wired. But that's OK. Like your friend says, don't think there is something wrong with you, and don't give up.
3. Stop living in the past. In this short paragraph, you mention several things. I can say, "stop living in the past" over and over, and you're not going to get it until you stop doing it. But you are doing it, and here's why I know this. You are defining who you are based on past events.View Thread
I don't think you need to be rushing him to a mental hospital just because he said you need to leave before he is going to kill you, because family members can say stuff they don't mean. Are you really honestly scared that he would kill you? Sounds like he's too old too. One comment is not a reason to jump on a band wagon. Your description is not enough to tell if this is serious or not serious. You have a reply down below that says that yes - that medication can change behavior. How bad is it? Panic attacks aren't a mental health thing. They can go away on their own. Anxiety can be dealt with by reading the bible, or getting some counseling. But he may or may not just be pissed off that his family is getting involved in his health. He may feel like he's not hallucinating, he's not seeing things, he's not hearing voices, and your mother is making up all this stuff. Find out. It seems like when you ask, "What is going on?" you need to come up with some concrete information on what is actually going on. Do you know for a fact that he is what you are kinda describing as out of his mind, or is it possible that he was pissed off at you for meddling or something he perceived that you said or did. Though you may have the best intentions, you may not know exactly what is going on unless you talk to him, and even then, if he is defensive, he may be hiding things from you. Could you try sitting him down and having him list his symptoms on this website - and get an HONEST assessment from him of everything, without worry about what you are thinking or worry that you are going to run him down to get more hurtful diagnoses, and then ask him what he thinks he should do? You may find out it's a lot better than what you perceive or it's a lot worse if he knows he can trust you and sit down and figure it out with you.View Thread
5. You can NOT blame your relationship problems on the mother-in-law. Have you ever heard that song? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcFkUHvlf5A Guess what???? That song is out there because what you are experiencing has been experienced by others before. And if you feel that way, you should be able to communicate to your husband about that. But it sounds like your communication is lacking a mutual respect for each other. That's huge! And a reason marriages fail. But maybe leave for a while first, and see what happens. Only you know if you have to get out or not, but you are getting out before you understand fully what the problem is and before he understands, also. That doesn't seem like it's going to change easily if neither one of you understand what to do or how to fix it, but at the same time, you have to know why it didn't work. He's not putting God first, he's not praying with you, and/or he's not putting you second. Family comes what? Third? That's the problem. A mother can not refuse to let her son go. That's not how it works. A mother can refuse, but how it happens is that the child turns that relationship into friendship, slowly, gradually, and in a healthy way, as they grow up and become their own person. But he's not the only man at age 34 who hasn't yet figured this out. You might need to think about if you love him, and if you think you guys are compatible, or if you know that you have to get out. Because you will be attracted to someone else, and they likely won't be 22. They will be 34 or older, and they will also be set in their ways. Maybe it won't be the problem of him not putting you first. Maybe it will be something else. But there will be problems. Marriage is a serious of problems. What you need to figure out might be things that are more solid. Does he represent "love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not boast. Love is not self seeking. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love does not delight in itself. Love rejoices with the truth. Love never fails" better than you do? Is he loving you? Does he help you get to heaven? Is he trying to make it work? Have you even tried to say, "You don't put me first?"
Have you said that over and over till you're a broken record, and nothing has changed, or have you said that, and you do see him trying, and you do see him changing. Even if he hasn't yet figured out how to, he's trying.
Most of your family and friends are going to take your side. Remember, only you know.
Try buying this book for him before you leave the house.
Notice his reaction. You will know. But don't think that this is somebody else. A relationship is 50/50. This is you and him. Not his mother. Not anyone else. You and him. And if it doesn't work, that's because of you and him. 50/50. Be strong. Don't be afraid to go ahead and move into an apartment if you have to catch his attention. And you will see his reaction, but you have to make it clear to him that he's not putting you first, what that means, and how he's supposed to do that. And you have to figure out yourself what that means and how he's supposed to do that because you seem to think that moving does it, and it doesn't. Some of these other things that you think does it, they don't. He can completely "divorce" his family for you, and it would bring nothing but problems for the two of you. He can never speak to his mother again, and it would not fix anything. it would not make him put you first. He is either going to do that or he's not, but right now, neither one of you seem to know that that's where the issue really is.View Thread
means to be your first, so why would he be strong enough to defend you? And certainly if he did defend you, it's going to be in the right way, anyway. Defending you is not the root of the problem, because he has to grow a set and be a godly man and put his pride aside and put his defenses down and .. and... and... before he's going to defend you in a way that's not hurtful to his relationship and your relationship with his mom. And if you don't care about if it is hurtful to her, then you have all that growing to do also.
"I stood up for myself" - and you thought it was fine. No, no, no! It will be better... maybe... but if your husband isn't with you, then that's never going to work the right way either. Because it's his family. When you find yourself having to stand up for yourself - again... the problem is NOT with the mother! Though you may find yourself maybe even despising her or the family... that's you fooling yourself into thinking it's them. It's not them. It's him. And every time you stand up for yourself, it's because he has chosen to be a coward and go stick his head in the sand.
"She forced him to...." No no... again. she doesn't force him to do anything. She raised him. He turned 18. He is married now. If he's old enough to be married, and old enough to have kids, then he's old enough to be a man. No one forces him to co-sign on a mortgage. He did that because he loves his mother and she needed a co-signer. And frankly, if a mother needs a co-signer, the son should step up and co-sign. But you are viewing him taking care of her as a threat to you. This goes back to your relationship with her. It's not good! She sees you as a threat. You see her as a threat. And what's the problem here? Is it that both of you women are just crazy and don't know how to get a long or is it that he doesn't communicate well either one of you or is it that you don't feel like the wife or is it a serious of many things? You should feel glad to co-sign for her, unless she's not going to pay her bills and unless you and he can not afford a decision like that in order to make it... but how many things did she do for him? At some point, it flips, where the kids take care of their parents. And if you view that as a threat to you, then you've got another problem. Because it should be a joy to take care of your parents. He won't have his mother around for forever. My parents don't need anything yet from me, and I kinda wish they did. Although if they did, it would be more depressing, because they're already in their sixties. Soon, they will need stuff from me. I may have to buy a car for my mom or help with payments on this or that. That's what family is. And a family taking care of each other perfectly would look more like everyone's money pulled together, and the bills paid in order of the highest need first. Unfortunately, we don't do that because it would never work out. There are too many people that make too many terrible financial decisions for that to work, and we have this freedom to go ahead and go more individualistic and say to our siblings, "Sorry! You don't have money because you make these decisions". But when he does help out his family, it should not feel like a threat.
Maybe he doesn't consult you because he feels like you're just going to get angry with him. Remember, he's a coward! So until he grows up, you have no choice but to be gentle in the way you speak. If you're not, he's just going to shut you out. But you can gently communicate some of these things to him. You must:
1. Be careful not to attack his manhood. Don't say things like "Could you grow up?" or "Could you grow a pair?" That will get you nowhere
2. Take the blame when you're to blame! Say the words, "I'm sorry", and put your pride aside for the sake of your kids so that you can find better ways to communicate with him.
This sounds like a classic case of a man who hasn't figured out how to make his own decisions and put God first, and his wife second.
First thing you will have to understand - and I hate saying this - is that you can't make him. There's nothing you're going to be able to do that's going to change him without the power of the Holy Spirit really working something drastic in your lives. And that hasn't happened yet. Sounds like you have kids? This isn't good. But what you can do is control what you do and what you say. Chances are, this man loves you a lot more than you think he does. Just because he doesn't put you first doesn't mean he doesn't think he puts you first, and even if he knows he doesn't, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you romantically more than any other person he's ever loved. So you've done the right thing. You are reaching out for help.
1. Is he willing to get help with you? Could the two of you visit a faith based or a Christian counselor until you can work through this? I believe it's not good to visit a counselor without him. Of course, at times, you will need to - but in my opinion, anyone who counsels without hearing the other 1/2 of the story is a bad counselor and shouldn't be in practice. Relationship counseling needs to be a joint effort. To get him to go, you need to present it as something positive. Something fun. Something like a date. Maybe bargain with sex or dates. It is fun because it helps you grow together! And you have to have that mindset. Really watch what you say and don't present it as, "You are doing this, and I want to go see a counselor" because that can come off as attacking. You have to present it as, "I love you and I really would like us to do this together because it will help us grow together and be better people individually also, and I believe that counseling is something everybody needs and the people that are prideful and weak maybe have a problem with it, but people that are strong and that want to work on problems and fix them and have a good life go fix them just like sometimes people avoid the doctor because they don't want to be told not to smoke cigarettes anymore or not to overeat anymore, but people that want to be healthy and have a good life go to the doctor when they need to".
It sounds to me like you think he has established some healthy boundaries when all reality is he really hasn't. He is fooling himself and you, because look at the boundaries you are listing. They are "Take him away from his family, take him away from his family, take him away from his family"... Living 5 hours away isn't a boundary that is necessary for a man to put his wife first and make decisions about finances and your personal life with you. A man can live right next door to his parents and still put his wife first in everything, and make his decisions with his wife, taking the opinion of his parents into consideration in a healthy way.
Look at this from his mother's point of view. Does she feel like you are trying to pull him away from his family? She might, even if she says differently. So that's going to influence her behavior a great deal. If she has belittled you, insulted you, or threatened you - that's a sign that she feels as though you are a threat. Why? Because you are taking her son away form her.
"A man shall leave his mother and cling to his wife" does not mean a man shall destroy the stability of the relationship he once had with his mother because he has a wife. The mother is on the outside, and she's probably doing the best she knows. And regardless of if she does things the right way or not, that is not where the problem lies. Your husband is a grown man, and he's certainly not acting like one. That's the problem! Not her. So when he doesn't defend you, that's all that surprising. Why would he? It's his fault, so to defend you he has to first realize what he's doing. And he's not strong enough emotionally to realize what itView Thread