Ran out of room but I'm not going to let that stop me because I care about your post, and this is a big deal that needs to get fixed as soon as possible.
5. For today, maybe Call the helpline. 800-273-8255. Don't feel like you have to be some suicide terrible person in order to call. You don't! You have gotten very depressed at times, because you have nobody, and that's understandable why that would make you so depressed, but if you have nobody, you need somebody you can talk to. I'm not sure why you let it go this far, without seeing a counselor sooner, except that maybe you don't have it covered by insurance, or maybe there aren't good counselors where you live... that's OK. Everybody needs counseling at some point for something. And some people never go get it because of pride, while others never go get it because of money... And sometimes the counselor is terrible. Watch Twister. That counselor is TERRIBLE! All she does is make the person feel good about themselves. She knows nothing. But a person like that hopefully wouldn't be able to get a Master's degree. A counselor is supposed to be well educated and know a little bit about human psychology and behaviors, so it's not a terrible thing.
6. Go to the home page and type in all your symptoms, and look through the results. It should have some options. Do your full research before drawing any conclusions about yourself because you don't want to make yourself just more depressed over stuff you don't even have. But if it recommends something like Cymbalta, maybe you should make an appointment and get some for the sake of getting better and growing as a stronger mother to your son. Because let's face it - he's going to suffer with the same issues you have, unless he's strong enough to overcome. So if he's already 10, you have about 8 years left to get your act in gear and if you want to give him some good stability before he's 18, so it's better ingrained, you should consider that you have about six months or a year left. That doesn't mean go kill yourself if you can't figure it out. That option goes back to #1 - where it's completely selfish and thoughtless and good for you and the worse thing you can do for him and the many people that DO LOVE YOU that just don't enjoy being around you. PURE selfishness. But you are stronger than that. So we don't have to go there, and you are strong enough to know if you need to remove things like knife's, pills, or guns from your house. I think if you even think that you should - then you need to. So - back to him. He's 10. Seriously?! Middle school is hard! He needs you to get a gip & get through this, so he can start his life! When he's 12 & 16, it's only going to get harder, and he needs to see the strength from his mom. You are his leader. You need to be reading the bible to him every day and telling him every day, "Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds.... We are going to get through this. Today we are going to go to the park" -Get out of the house! Go places but you need to be on your guard first and foremost about why you have run everybody off or the new friends you make are just going to run too & that's going to break your heart again... and make it harder each time.
7. Go TODAY - and buy the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" - Dale Carnegie. Buy mechanical pencils. They have the white erasers, which don't work as well as the pink pearls, so buy a couple pink pearls, & buy a couple highlighters that have a color that you like. I would recommend yellow over something like green cause you're going to think you like the green till it messes up your book. Go through it with your son! Read it slowly, & more than once. Study it. This is not a leisure read for you. This is your life and your son's life. You need to learn what is in that book.
Above all - focus on what is in yourself that needs to change & ask for the help of the power of the Holy Spirit to change your lifeView Thread
Suicide is completely and utterly selfish. My cousin committed suicide. It destroyed her parents for the rest of their lives. You need to look at this way. You're dead. So you are done. You don't have to deal with anything anymore - because you made the choice to run away and hide like a coward. I don't want to make you more depressed by saying this - but it's true, and you need to wake up to realize that truth, especially for the sake of your son. What would he do? I will tell you - I don't know anything about your son or what he would end up doing, but I know this - it would completely screw up his life. You just can't do it, as a mother.
If you don't have any friends, you need to figure out why. 1. Are you pushing people away because of shame of depression? 2. Are you hard to be around because of characteristics in your personality? 3. Are you hard to be around because of your personal hygiene? 4. Are you doing things or saying things that are running people off? 5. Are you just dumb, or crazy, or weird, or emotionally unstable, or something else that is reasonable that people don't want to be around you? Because there's got to be a reason.
When there is a common reaction from people, chances are there is a problem within yourself. And guess what? GOOD NEWS!!!! If the problem is yourself, that's a problem that you can fix!!!! You can't control anyone else but yourself. But it sounds like, by your post, that the root problem may be you. So this is not something that can't turn around. Here's something things that might be beneficial to you:
2. Please do God to show you what you need to change within yourself
3. James 1 - Consider it pure joy.. when you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man will not receive anything from the Lord. He is a double minded man, unstable in all he does.
- Maybe you're not receiving anything from the Lord, because you have not given up your soul, and heart, and life to him. Maybe you need to figure out what it is that is keeping you from trusting in his promises. Maybe you could benefit from talking to a Christian counselor at a near by church. Many times if you attend church somewhere, they have a counselor that the church will provide, and sometimes you can get anonymous counseling.
Or maybe - you are putting your trust in God, and you are praying, and this is strictly a trial that has been given to you by God to make you strong from something he wants you to do. Maybe it's this bad because you haven't accepted it as a trial, and you haven't been active in doing the things that you could have done. Like focusing on changing certain things within yourself that have needed to be changed long ago... so this is the repercussions for not considering this trial - joy - and an opportunity to grow and be stronger.
4. Stop blaming other people! Stop focusing on things you can't control. Go smoke some pot if you can not figure out how to not focus on things you can't control and if you breathe it in deep - and correctly... it won't make you paranoid... it will make you chill out and relax and not worry about things like what people think about you, if you are doing this or that correctly or not, etc. But DON'T go get the legal pot at the gas stations, because that will screw with your brain. That's stuff's terrible for your health. It's what God gave us on this earth or nothing, because the legal stuff is government approved so it can be taxed - because our focus now is to get your better, not give the government money for todaView Thread