wow, you have been thru a horrendous series of events in the past year. it is no wonder that you are still feeling the effects of those cumulative stresses. i am so sorry.
evidently you are still seeing your therapist; i think this is a good thing. for the next six months i hope things will calm down for you and that you can work on letting go of your despair about the things you cannot control. yes, practically everything that has happened is horrible, but no, you cannot "fix" everything that happened, esp the things that happened to other people -- no matter how much you would like to try.
i am not saying that you shouldn't be distressed by the troubles of your best friend, her son, and your boss. these people are dear to you, and of course you are concerned about them. but your concern about them and any efforts you can make to help them are separate issues from whether you can afford to take on the emotional burden of their problems or the obligation to fix those problems. i think it is clear -- from your increased blood pressure, from your crying, from your obvious state of mind right now -- that you cannot.
i send you caring thoughts; please let us know how you are doing.
you have come to the right place to get support and to vent. i am so sorry that you've been feeling so unfocused.
everyone's sadness is unique, and everyone's sadness is both "real" and worth acknowledging. in my opinion, there is no such thing as one person's sadness being more "justified" or "worthy" than another's.
you feel friendless, isolated, in constant emotional pain, lonely, worthless, and unloved. you cry uncontrollably sometimes. this is not a good way to try to get thru life.
it sounds to me as if it is time for you to try the counseling center at school again. i know you think you don't have "reasons" to be "feeling pretty bad lately," but everything you say in your post screams that you need to talk with someone about your state of mind; indeed, you reached out here to talk about it. as far as "what to say," it might be helpful for you to print off a copy of your post here and take it with you to the counselor; it is a very good description of your despair and will give you a way to start.
please call for a counseling appointment today, meaning, right after you finish reading this.
i send you caring thoughts and hope that things will look up for you soon.
if you look at your latuda/lurasidone pills (see PS1), you will notice that they do not have a line across them, unlike, for instance, lamictal/lamotrigine (PS2).
pills without a line across them should not be split in pieces. this is because the two pieces may end up not having equal amounts of the main ingredient, because exposure to oxygen after splitting may change the ingredients or their effectiveness in the body, and because stomach-buffering effects or slow-release characteristics of the med may be altered with splitting.
for this weekend, i think you should go ahead and split the pills, as the nurse directed (PS3). before you do that, however, buy a pill-splitter at a drugstore; these are relatively inexpensive and will make it more likely that you can cut the pills exactly in half. don't split more than one pill at a time, and take both halves of the same pill on the same day.
first thing on monday morning, i would call your dr or the nurse again, alert them to the FDA advice about pill-splitting (PS4), and ask for a different prescription of 20 mg pills taken twice a day. they may advise you to go ahead and keep splitting your pills; if they do, you should follow their advice but use extreme care in how you split the pills. when it is time for a refill, tho, remind the dr that you want 20 mg pills to be taken twice a day rather than 40 mg pills that have to be split.
i am so sorry that you are having such trouble getting back into a life you thought was possible for you. it is indeed discouraging to realize that, as M said above, depression is a lifelong struggle.
i too had ECT, both inpatient and outpatient. at the time i had been hospitalized on and off for about four months, and it looked like ECT was my only recourse. i am glad to say that it did help and that i haven't had to be hospitalized again (it's been 10 yrs now), but it did not solve all of my problems or even eliminate depression from my life. i still see a therapist and my psychiatrist and need to take psych meds to remain stable.
OK -- so here you are. you did go back to school and did get a paralegal certificate. eventually, i am sure, you will be able to find a job in the legal field. until then, can you find some kind of pay-the-rent job while you are looking?
you did exactly the right thing in reaching out here; it shows that you do want to change things. i'm wondering, tho, whether you have also considered seeing a different therapist; it may be that a fresh pair of eyes would be helpful in examining your options. i don't know how long it has been since you were on antidepressants (or maybe you still are), but new ones come out every year, in different classes; perhaps it would be useful to have a re-evaluation of what is out there that you might benefit from?
your depression is not your fault. it just happens to some people, and it often seems more or less random in that the same circumstances that one person might be able to manage can completely debilitate another. but, as you've discovered, beating yourself up over it doesn't get you anywhere; try to be a little kinder to yourself. you get to be human just like everybody else.
i send you caring thoughts and hope you will write back and let us know how you are doing.
you are having a really hard time right now, and i am so sorry. one of the nice things about this community is that we do not judge; it is safe for you to write here.
i think it is time for you to get some help with figuring out what you want your life to look like. i know you tried therapy before, but it may be that you and the therapist just weren't a good mix personality-wise or that you would have been better off with a different style of therapy. in any case, it is clear that you can't go on like this for very much longer without doing something on impulse that you might regret later.
i know that finances are a problem. i have listed some resources for finding free/low-cost medical care, including therapy, at http://forums.webmd.com/3/depression-exchange/forum/6522 (you need to know that i have not checked out these links in quite some time, so if you find one that no longer works, please let me know). don't give up; if you run into a place that can't help you, ask if they know of someone else you could try.
is there any chance that you could get at least a part-time job, maybe something in the mornings so that you would still have time to pick up your son in the afternoons?
i'm also concerned that it seems as if you are not getting much time when you can be around people; have you thought of volunteering in some way at your son's school or somewhere else? even tho you would not be getting paid, it would be an opportunity to talk with other people so that you don't feel so isolated.
i send caring thoughts to you and your family; please write back and let us know how you are doing.
i don't know if you are still following this thread, but i wanted to let you and others know that i have posted a list of resources for getting free/low-cost medical care, including counseling, at http://forums.webmd.com/3/depression-exchange/forum/6522 (please note that i haven't vetted these listings for quite some time, so if you find one that no longer works, please let me know). don't try to check out everything at once; just investigate one or two/day, or it will be too overwhelming.
you asked specifically about joining an on-line support group. you can find depression support groups in general (both on-line and local) by googling (("support group" OR forum) depression). this will bring up a page with many listings of support groups, and you can see which ones might appeal to you.
if you are interested in joining a local, in-person support group, try googling ("support group" depression "name of your town" "name of your state"). in addition, if you live near a medical school or teaching hospital, a divinity school, or a university with a graduate program in psychology, psychiatry, nursing, or social work, you could check at those places for local support groups. finally, if you belong to a religious group, or are connected -- even loosely -- with one, you might ask the spiritual leader about support groups and about sources of free/low-cost counseling.
you can also find local support groups by contacting the national alliance on mental illness (NAMI, http://www.nami.org , then click on "support and programs," then on "state and local NAMIs"). a second national source of support groups can be found thru the depression/bipolar support alliance (DBSA, http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home , then click on "peer support," then on the top left dropdown box that says "find a support group").
i am so sorry that things are going so badly right now.
it sounds to me as if you are having to deal with two primary problems -- one a short-term one and the other a long-term one.
first is your condo situation. of course, i don't know the circumstances, but if you are not getting any recourse from anyone you've asked for help from, it seems that you have only a few alternatives -- try to accept the situation so that you take away the power of these other people to distress you so much, sue someone (which is extremely time- and energy-draining, laced with uncertainty, and expensive), or move. one thing is for sure -- continuing as you are now isn't working.
second is dealing with your depression. are you in therapy, and/or have you seen a psychiatrist for an evaluation of whether antidepressants might help? working with a therapist might help you come up with some ways to cope more effectively with your day-to-day problems, esp the condo situation; it might also give you some ideas for how you could restructure things so that your life over the long haul would be easier. this could include strategies for dealing with your family.
since you have no job, i know that finances are probably a concern. i have listed some resources for getting free/low-cost medical care, including counseling, at http://forums.webmd.com/3/depression-exchange/forum/6522 . don't try to check them out all at once; just investigate one or two/day or it will be too overwhelming.
if your depression is disabling, seeing a psychiatrist might also be a good first step to supporting an application for disability benefits.
i hope that things will start to improve for you soon. i send you caring thoughts; please keep us posted on how you are doing.
feeling disconnected from reality is not a good thing, and the coincidence of timing with when you started your antidepressant meds is alarming. i think you need to talk with your psychiatrist immediately, because you may need a dosage adjustment or to switch to something else altogether; it is also possible that this effect is caused by some interaction between your antidepressant meds and other meds or OTC drugs you are taking.
please call your psychiatrist first thing on monday morning. if you can't get an immediate appointment, it is very important that you talk with her by phone, and you have to find a way to make this clear to the receptionist.
if you absolutely cannot talk with your psychiatrist, please call your counselor, who i am sure knows about various antidepressants and can give you some advice on what to do.
if you start to feel more disconnected over the weekend, please ask someone to take you to an ER; call the police or an ambulance if you have to. be sure to take all of your meds with you to the ER so that the drs there will know exactly what you are taking.
in the meantime, i don't think you should be driving. i know this is a huge hassle, but who knows what problems these disorienting effects might cause?
please let us hear back from you next week. i am very concerned about you.