I have never actually been diagnosed with depression but after reading up on it, I know I have it. Today has been one of those awful days. I woke up with no energy to do anything. I was laid off from my job back in January and haven't been able to find work since. My fiance is working 48 hours a week and hates his job but has to stay with it because I'm not working. So it makes me feel like that because I don't have a job, I am useless. Today he was complaining about how much he hated work and I exploded saying at least you have a job I wish I had one, I can't stand being in this house all day and dealing with our loud ignorant neighbors and not being able to contribute anything but upkeep of the apartment. He usually deals with my outbursts, but today he came back at me and said that I don't understand how it feels to be the only one supporting us and the weight of the world is on his shoulders and if he doesn't work, we're screwed. I think that triggered my explosion because it made me feel like he was blaming me in a sense for him having to work a crap job, which he does have to work the crap job because I can't find work. It just makes me frustrated that I try to contribute in every way. I've gone to interviews but haven't gotten the jobs. I upkeep the house and our cats, I keep the apartment in perfect condition and I try to do nice things for him but he's so miserable from work he doesn't appreciate it. I don't know what to do. I'm not suicidal, but I do feel useless like I'm not doing anything and I'm making his life awful because he has to work at a place where people treat him like dirt. I just need some kind of advice to deal with all of this. I don't have insurance since I'm not working and I'm not eligible for any kind of medical assistance. I guess I just need some tips for when I have these angry outbursts, today I wanted to put my fists through the walls and smash everything in sight. Then a few minutes later, I found myself in tears thinking about how useless I feel.
A little background, we moved away from our families a few years ago so I don't have any friends or family that aren't more than 5 or so hours away. I have shut out many of my old friends because of my depression. I changed my number and deleted theirs and deleted all social media so they couldn't contact me. So I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I'm afraid to talk about them to my fiance. I don't know what to do, I just need some tips I guess. I don't want to be this monster.View Thread
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