Your daughter is full-grown adult and needs to find a way to take care of HER son. Sure, she is going through a tough time right now and you can be compassionate and sympathetic, but NOT to the detriment of your own health. Your mother took care of you until you were a grown woman with your own child, then you were responsible for your family. It is now your daughter's turn.
My husband and I moved 6000 miles from home to establish a new life with jobs (he was unemployed). We have no faimly network here; we had to work opposite shifts and trust relative strangers to watch our toddler and newborn (a licensed home daycare) and we managed without "grandmas and grandpas" or "aunts and uncles". Your daughter is responsible for your grandson's care. You can offer to watch him once in a while but you need to care for your well-being.
Your husband should understand the bond you have with your mother and let you visit with her, but truly I have only seen my mother TWICE in TEN YEARS (she can't travel much and the cost of flying our whole family is too steep). We talk and we understand that the love we share bridges any distance and makes those time we DO see each other that much more meaningful. Maybe you can schedule time with your husband and mother so that they don't overlap?
My grandsons have only seen their (paternal) grandmother ONCE in TEN YEARS. She spent SEVEN YEARS taking care of her mother rather than leave her bedside because "She might die any minute". Seven years she could have flown to see her grandsons, seven years of time watching them go from baby/toddler to young boy and young man.
Finally, why are you feeling guilty? You are imposing expectations on yourself that are unreasonable, and no one but you knows just how much you are carrying. It's like a thousand people each asking you to carry a rock. to each person, the request to carry a rock seems insignificant, unless you tell them you are already carrying 500 rocks. Let each of them know that you are being pulled in too many direcetions and ASK them to respect your health and help you figure out an equitable way to handle the load.View Thread
When I was depressed (yes I beat it but it takes effort every day to maintain) I felt alone even when surrounded by friends and family because I felt they would not understand what I was feeling or weren't interested in helping me figure out my depression.
Now I have a friend with depression who complains of being lonely/alone despite having numerous children and friends, but when I ask if they want to visit or hang out with me they say they are too busy or it's too far of a drive and never offer to have me visit them. It makes it very difficult when the depression causes a conflict like feeling alone but purposely keeping people distant.
I also have a friend who deliberately shoves people away and makes bad choices, and they keep getting good things and their butt pulled out of the coals no matter how many times they jump into the proverbial fire. It sucks to watch, but I realize that I have the pleasure of knowing I have earned what I have and didn't get bailed out because I didn't learn from my mistakes.
I am NOT afraid of the unknown; I have stood by friends through many of the triggering events you can imagine. I have visited friends when they were hospitalized for mental illness, and even almost got tossed out for getting a bunch of patients lock-stepping while singing "Daydream Believer".
There are days when my children signing/running around the house is wonderful, but when I have a migraine I tel them to please keep the volume down and although I am glad they are having fun, ANY noise is painful when I am hurting. I don't want them to feel guilty or upset because I can handle the intensity; I want them to know it is MY issue.
Sometimes I can handle being with my mentally ill friends on their worst days, and sometimes my life is so overwhleming I cannot lend more than a very distant ear because I am already juggling all I can at the moment. I don't want them to feel like THEY are the issue; they are NOT. Sometimes I cannot be what they want or need at that moment and that is MY issue.
I am a good person, I am not alone. I may feel alone, but all it takes is for me to reach out and I find that even when they are busy I have loved ones who care and think of me. I may not be able to reach out and hold your hand, but believe me, there are people who DO care sincerely and are thinking of you as much as they can.View Thread
You lost your dad before you knew him, your mother doesn't deserve the title of "mother"; she was incubation bottle from which you were decanted and yet you still manage to love her despite her horrific treatment.
Your mom needs intensive help, and you have deep soul wounds and scars from childhood. You need to heal. So you're not athetic, slim, "good-looking" (what does THAT mean?)...I didn't look for physical attributes in a mate. I looked for the beauty of the soul inside.
Your girlfriend is YOUNG. You are YOUNG. There is nothing wrong with you that keeps her away; more like she wants to know what she will be "missing" if she makes a lifetime commitment to you. Many young men and women feel the need to be "sure" before settling down, no matter who much they love the other person.
First of all this is an extremely difficult time of year. Darkness, relative cold (I live in a place that can get as low as - 60 F), and the relative greed of the season combined with the guilt-ridden pleas for money and food from charities that know they will get more now than any other time of the year make for an extremely uncomfortable and lost feeling. If you already have depression, the incessant "gimme gimme get get get" attitude paired with the "feed the world" songs can make a person go on edge.
There is an incredible sense of expectation on holidays, that we are supposed to be moved by the religious meanings of the holidays that have been muddled by older and newer traditions. Martha Stewart and Julia Child make us feel like our house has to be picturesque and full of festive home decorations with a huge spread of delectable treats for dozens of guests.
Really, who has time to hand-illuminate place cards?
No matter your faith or spiritual path, take it back to the basic commonalities of the holidays. Love, compassion, forgiveness, thankfulness, togetherness, acceptance, peace. It doesn't need to be more than that.
As a child we were so poor all my mother could afford to give family for gifts was homemade Christmas cookies. We would cut, bake, and paint the cookies with colored/flavored frostings and use candy sprinkes, spending maybe $50 to give gifts to 30 granparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It's all we had and it was GOOD ENOUGH because it came from the heart.
If there is a nearby university or college with an experimental greenhouse, or a local nursery that has an open plant area year-round, I recommend you go visit it during a bright part of the day. Walk, sit, smell the flowers in a warm green growing-scented environment while bright light shines on you. Soak up the light most of us are missing this time of year.
Depression on an organic level is a lack of the chemicals that make us feel good and alert in our brains, and it can be from a depleation (constant strain or hardship that puts us in an worried mental state), or a consistent reduced production (lack of sunlight, genetics, lack of proper nutrition, other medical conditions). It feels bad because it is like physical pain; it is trying to tell you something is out of whack, and like some kinds of physical pain, it can be difficult to locate the source, so many healthcare professionals focus on dealing with the symptoms first, but the root must be eventually be dealt with or it does not improve.
Why does not smiling have anything to do with being serious? Have you tried smiling at yourself? Look in a mirror, and if you have to, spread your index and middle finger out and prop the corners of you mouth up with your fingers.
Smiling is not just for fun or happiness, it is a gesture of kindness, approval, support, love, and compassion. Smiling disarms the wary; it can encourage trust and reassurance in someone afraid to reach out. If I smiled at you, it would be to say "you are valued and I welcome you in friendship". Now if I grin, that's me not being serious...there's a huge difference.
I hope you have a peaceful New Year, BeautifulBuffalo.View Thread
Mxyzptlk, I wish I read this post first. Please consider they may be possible triggers in this. It is NOT my intent to cause you pain, but maybe lance some wounds or help you heal. I apologize in advance.
1) I still stand by the sentiment that whatever helps that is more benficial than harmful is a GOOD thing for you to be doing, medically, physically, etc. Acupuncture, medications, hot tub...medical marijuana. With the assistance of medical personnel, only YOU can choose the correct therapy(ies) that work for your health needs. I am NOT pushing any particular therapy.
2) When is the last time you had a sleep study performed? You don't need to answer this to me, I ask because one should be done annually, a couple months after a medication that affects sleep apnea is prescribed, or more a than 10% body weight change. Also facial hair, thick hair on the head, and different masks cans significantly alter the efficacy of the machine. My husband has obstructive sleep apnea (and has it for 20 years). If you were diagnosed with a specific disorder that does not allow you into delta sleep, I am at a loss as to what I might offer.
3) Are you a candidate for a nerve stimulator for the pain in your back? I work with a lady who has one for DJD and she just had back surgery last year to pin her lumbar spine together with bolts and rods (looks like a Terminator on her x-ray) and the nerve stimulator was there before and after the surgery and has helped her immensely.
4) Is it possible the fights you and your wife are having are because you want to be providing for the family and feel angry/helpless in your situation and hate seeing you loving wife work so hard to help you? Maybe she is upset because as hard she is working to help your family (and because she loves you so much she WANTS to work hard to help), she CAN'T do the ONE thing that she wants deperately to do: make you feel better and like your life has purpose beyond the pain.
5) You HAVE purpose; discover it. Know that those vows we make when take a mate in life are for better or worse and sickness and health and your wife is doing her albsolute best to keep those vows. She is frustrated because she cannot give you the one thing you need, only YOU can. Let her care for you and realize that it's OKAY to let her carry the load.
Look back and see if there is something in your past/childhood that sent your life in a direction that you would not have chosen for yourself, but was imposed upon you by family/friends/teachers. See if there is something your heart is whispering to you that the voices in your mind (peers, parents, society, self-image) is screaming to cover up. Quiet your mind and listen to your heart. Maybe you will find something you forgot about yourself that got squelched because it didn't fit what others wanted from/for you.View Thread
I believe you are right about the addiction; I do not know if you are male or female but research has shown that for many males video games/television shows release opioid-like substances in the brain, causeing a release of endorphins much like when one eats a pleasant food, exercises, or has sex. To a much lesser extent it can affect women, and for some women it can have the same effect. (see the book "Boys Adrift").
Not everyone reacts to it, and depending on the individual's endophin pathways and sensitity to opiates it can be no effect to full-blown addiction. Unfortuantely because you are depressed, the games are helping you stave off the depression, not turn it around. It also convinces your body it has rested when it hasn't and the "blue-light" of video screens has been shown to keep people from being able to sleep.
Are there any 12-step programs in the area? believe it or not an addiction is an addiction, and even if others might not take it seriously, EVERY addiction deserves serious attention. Check the phone book/internet for groups in your area, and see if you can get a sponsor who can be there to get you out of the house and get you moving in the outdoors away from screens. They have groups for drugs, alcohol, overeating, why not gaming?
That is one incredible shift in your life circumstances; overwhelming to read, even more so to live I imagine.
My aunt suffers from PTSD and biploar, and it took much trial and error to find only ONE combination of two medications that worked and to which she wasn't severly allergic. There are many more medications than when she was diagnosed; I have hope they will find some drug/combination that will give you relief.
As for the Menieres, have they found anything to slow/halt/reverse it? Are there other health issues beyond these (depression, bipolar, Menieres) that cause you physical/mental pain? Relief in one area might help relieve the others by releasing some of the oppressing load you are carrying (though I am sure you probably know this already).
I would like to use an example to contemplate, not to compare or even suggest that you have similar circumstance. You state your intellectual capability (IQ) and that you were always motivated to get much done. In all that time did you ever sit still and contemplate things greater than you? Do you have any interests, passions, things you wanted to learn/discover?
I think of Stephen Hawking, a man with an incredible mind that only expanded as his body steadily turned upon itself. Your body has turned upon itself, but your mind is obviously still there. What can you offer yourself in intellectual food? What can you offer to others from that knowledge? What wisdom have you gained in your lifetime that you can share to help another?
You are not the person you were ten years ago, and you are also not the same person you were when you got up this morning, took the next breath, blinked your eyes again. We are ever-shifting beings that forget we change constantly and can't understand why aren't able to do the same things we did years ago.
At the risk of upsettng you, on some level do you wonder/feel guilty or angry that some of the reason you have issues now is because you drove yourself so relentlessly in the past? DON'T.
We all walk a path in life and there are cause and effects, some are choices, some are random. Blame solves nothing. Dwelling in the past solves nothing. The only thing remembering the past serves to do is to give us the wisdom to be more mindful in choosing what we do in the present.
You MAY have driven yourself too hard, now is the time to step back and give yourself love, compassion, and rest for all the time you did above and beyond. Learn what makes you feel better in all aspects of your life.
If something eases physical pain (hot tub, massage, liniment, acupuncture, laying flat in bed), as long as the benefit is more than the potential harm (as in medications) then do it.
If cleaning up is too difficult, maybe a smaller home with less possessions would suit. Oftentimes clutter exacerbates emotional/mental stress or illness, which exacerbates the physical pain/illness. A clean, simple living space can make a huge difference, and you may be able to keep up with it better or afford a housekeeper (no assumptions on income).
I truly hope you find the keys to you easing your pain and may you feel better.View Thread
Dear one, you've mentioned some very valid reasons to feel depressed; being homeless, having physical pain and emotional pain are not small things. One of the hardest things to do in life is maintain a positive outlook and give kindness to others when what you receive is rudeness, lack of concern and others lashing out.
I am going to be extremely basic and I apologize for the simplicity of the answer, because there are so many nuances to the answer that just won't fit in one post.
When people are unhappy they deal with their unhappiness in two main ways; they find a way to overcome their unhappiness (therapy, family, spiritual), or they dwell in it (most often because they don't know how to overcome it, or in cases of mourning it takes time).
If they dwell in unhappiness, they either internalize it (because they do not want to burden others or they are taught they must not show it), or they externalize it (cry, show/discuss their sadness, lash out).
People who lash out perpetuate unhappiness by exacting pain for pain, on others or themselves with word or deed. People who internalize do damage to themselves (stress on the blood pressure, heart, neurotransmittor depletion, or substance abuse).
No matter how much pain they are in, there is no excuse for a person to abuse others or themselves in reaction to emotional pain. I understand WHY people do, but it solves nothing and only brings more pain; pain to those who care about them and pain to themselves.
People should also not try to cheer people up by giving examples of how someone else has it worse. YOUR pain is PERSONAL, and NO ONE has the right to judge how significant it is.
Take a moment to do some self-checks. You are alive. Are you able to get enough to eat? Do you have a place to sleep? Are your clothes appropriate for the weather where you are? Are you able to get needed medical care for physical needs? Mental needs?
If the answer is no to any of the above, then please ask a parent, friend, teacher, police officer SOMEONE to help you find the proper resources. I CARE AND LOVE YOU FROM HERE; there has to be someone in your immediate area that can assist. Take care of the basic needs and then reasses from there to see what else can be done to improve on those. I have been poor/on food stamps and nearly homeless (thanks to family I had somewhere to stay when I lost my home), so I have some idea how it feels to be displaced.
Religion is not required; a person can be spiritual without religious affiliation. I am not religious but I am spiritual. I am also a mother of a 12 year old and a 9 year old, and I want to KNOW when they are in pain or depressed. Their worries and problems are NOT a burden on me; I chose to bring them into this world with the understanding that I am their rock to lean upon, their tree to shelter beneath. No matter what choices they make in life or who they become, they are loved and welcome. Reach out to someone near you and don't be afraid of adding to their load.
Be well and know you are loved; if I lived near you I would not hesitate to assist you in turning things around, physically, mentally, emotionally.View Thread