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I dont know what I am going to do if I dont get one of these positions as i really need to work for both my snaity and the money
The medical records temp position that that the agency was in a big hurry to have someone start , well I spoke with my contact at the agency and she seemed annoyed that I was following up but i really want to know if this is going to actually happen as it would be closer to home and more money than the other two but only for 6mths time
The other of the two temp jobs would also be for 6 mths and they need 4 people, a little farther away but if they want me then I am going to go and not wait for the medical recrds temp job as by the end of today I did not hear anything at all.
I have an interview for a perm job tomorrow and also on Monday as well
Received a rejection today from a position that i had interviewed for that I was sort of hoping to get and of course was disappointed.
Now unemployment is once again on my case about something that I thought was cleared up and if there is a problem they may ask for money back or stop my payments altogether and I dont ahve many more left as this point which is another concern of mine
My husband need a tooth pulled (he has dental insurance but will have to pay for some of it) and will also have the bills from where I went to the ER hopefully I will get some sort of financial assistance from the hospital since I dont have insurance.
Too many worries about finances.
I am so upset today over the job issue and the finances that I have been crying on and off for most of the evening and i dont want to end up back in the state that I had been previously. .
I feel like I am regressing again and just want to go lay on the couch for the evening as I am getting to the point where I just dont vare anymore about anything at allNothing seems to be working at all in my life everything is going wrong and I just cant deal with all of these isssues at all anymore, if only I had chosen the right job none of this would have happened
I just feel like God hates me and is punishing me
I am begining to hate myself and my life so uch once again.
SueView Thread

I just got up from laying on the couch no motivation, got up doing some laundry need to water the flowers and get a haircut which I dont feel like doing
Took my meds a little while ago hopefully they will kick in and start working
Just so many many regrets about the job decision and the job that I could be going to work everyday if I hadnt made the wrong decision, I am just so very very upset about this whole matter that i was crying last night and my husband knows that this has me so upset.
I just wish that I could let go of this past decision but I cant seem to and it just stays on my mind constantly and i dont want to end up becoming worse again
I saw the psych doctor on Monday and told her that the meds were helping but that I am still so upset about the bad job decision and it has and still is affecting me terribly.
I dont know what is going on with the Medical Records temp job as apparently the agency is waiting to hear from the client, this had better be a go as i was counting on this position to work out for the six months. I am going to call them
I do have two other temp offerings I am interviewing for both of them tomorrow one in the morning and one in the afternoon, but there again they are both just temp jobs but I need to do so just in case the other one at the hospital in Medical Records doesnt work out
I had an interview yesterday for a permanent job and I thought that It went well and I would like this job but not getting my hopes up
I also have another interview for a position on friday morning for a permanenet job and one on Monday as well
I just dont feel good about myself again as I am so worried about finding a job and if I had made the right decision I wouldnt have to be going on job interviews again and looking for a job
I am just so frustrated and unhappy with myself and my life once again
as it seems like nothing ios ever going to work out or get better for me.
SueView Thread

Thanks for your post.
For some reason the meds were not working well today and I am at my wits end crying most of the day still so very upset about the job that i didnt take my husband is becoming very annoyed with me as he says I need to let go of the past as it has been since June but I could be working now if I hadnt made the wrong decision.
I am also upset as no word on the temp job that I am suppose to be starting the agency stating that the Client's HR is dragging their feet, now I am beginning to wonder if this temp job is about to fall through as the agency was suppose to call me back later this afternoon which they did not do.
So now I am forced to go on two interviews tomorrow for other temp jobs throgh other agencies both across town and both alot farther than the one that I thought I would be working, but I have to go just in case the other one doesnt work out.
Why is nothing in my life working out or going right, I am just so frustrated and dont want to regress back with my mental state as I had finally been starting to feel better.
I am beginning to hate my life and myself again.
I wish I knew what I did in my life that is so terrible that God feels the need to keep punishing me as I am already punishing myself and miserable enough as it is.View Thread

I woke up this morning feeling very down and blue but hadnt yet taken my meds and was crying once again over the job that I gave up that I should have taken as none of this would have have happened to me if I had been working
Once again my husband says I need to let go but I cant its just so very difficult for me.
I am going to see the pysch doctor tomorrow for a f/u and have an interview on Tuesday for a permanent job
I am suppose to start the temp job either Thursday or monday but i asked if i could start on Monday just in case I happen to get any other interviews this week.
I just wish that the temp job wasnt just for six months as after that I dont what I am going to do and this will be a constant worry for me.
I am still going to look for a perm job in the evenings when I come home from the temp job and apply to anything that I do see. The only problem is if I need to go on an interview and need time waay from my temp job I dont know how this will work out, but I dont want to pass up any opportunities for a perm job while I am temping. I dont get paid for the time that I am not working the temp job , I just have to make certain not to
take advantage of the situation. It would have been nice if this temp job was temp to perm but its not. if I get any calls fro perm interviews I will have to schedule either first thing in the morning or late in the day as possible.
I am just still so unhappy that I didnt make the right job decision and hopefully once I am back working it will not be on mind so much.
I need to paint my kitchen and bathroom buy some new rugs for my bathroom and would like to have some relatives over in a few weeks for a visit and then there is my dad's 85th Birthday which I wanted to have a little surprise party for but financially I dont think that I can do it so maybe just dinner with him his lady friend and my husband.
I dont feel real good today too much constant worry about all of these issues that I just mentioned along with too much guilt as well by not tkaing the other job, the burden this has put on my husband and not being able to some of the things that I mentioned.
I just wish that I could get to the point where I could feel good about myself and my life as right now I still dont feel like I will ever get ther, I hate to wish my life away but i wish I was 66 so I could just retire and not have to deal with these issues.
I still feel like a failure in life. No sense of purpose hope or worth.
SueView Thread

Thanks to all of you on this depression community who have been so concerned, caring and supportive of me during my many crisis.
I am feeling better but for some reason I am down today and I dont know why
I am taking my Ativan and Prozac and they are definitely helping me but I just want to cry today and dont know why.
I guess that even though I am up and moving around and have more motivation and am eating better I still tend to dwell on the past though not as much and the bad job decision every once in a while and that is what is making me blue. As everyday I regret turning that job down to take the other even though I know that i am never going to get it back, I just gave up too much security, stability, paycheck benefits and this still does bother me greatly. if only I could go back in time and do it all over again , how different it would be
On the other hand I found a temporary job thru an agency at a hospital close to home
will be starting either next Thursday or the following Monday. Its only a temp job for 6 mths and the pay isnt too bad it is in Medical Records which for me is sort of boring but I really need to get out and work and bring in some extra money as it will be more than my unemployment, as my unemployment will go on hold and when this assignment is done I can start collecting it once again, I justwish that this would become a permanent position and not just be a temp assignment because I wont have any benefits .
Then when the assignment is done I will once again not have a job and will have to start all over again and dont know if I can face being home without a job.
I am however while working on this temporary assignment still continue to look for a permamanet job and see if there is any way I can interview for permanent positions maybe I can take some time off work to interview since I only get paid for the time that I do work.
My husband has to work tomorrow so I will be home alone but with the meds at least I wont be on the couch and will be able to function and do some work around the house.
I am going to see the psych on Monday again so she can see how i am doing, I really wish that I could keep her for my doctor but cant since she works for the county and not in private practice.
I have worked as a temp before but this is so difficult for me to do once again especially knowing that I gave up a permanent job.
I just hope that I am doing the right thing by taking the temp job as I feel that I should keep looking for a perm job and not work but I dont get many calls for interviews anyway and the other two jobs that I inquired about were both temp jobs as well
Maybe I will start to feel better about myself and forget the past once I start back to work, although having been out of work for several months its going to be hard to get back into the routine once again.
SueView Thread

I'm sorry if my previous post made you feel in some way that the fact that you aren't pregnant yet is becuase its your fault, I didnt mean it to come across soundling like that.
You are trying and that is what is important and when its meant to be it will and when you do become pregannt it will be a wonderful full term pregnancy so dont place any unncessary pressure on yourself about becoming pregnant and then losing the baby and blaming yourself.
God has a plan for all of us and works in mysterious ways.
Take Care,
SueView Thread

I am sorry that you are not yet pregnant after trying as I know that you desparately wish to be
Just relax and let nautre take its course as maybe you are trying to hard and that is why it has happened yet.
You know they say it happens when you least except it to.
Try not to stress yourself out too much as maybe this is what is causing you not to become pregnant.
Think happy wonderful thoughts of becoming pregnant and hopefully it will work
I know what I posted is dumb but I am not very good at expressing myself in words like you are AM
I just wanted to lend my support and care like you always do for me.
Hope to hear some good baby news from you soon.
SueView Thread

Started on the Ativan and it has done wonders for my anxiety, feel much better am able to function better just not laying on the couch all of the time and dwelling on the past as much as I had been with all the negative thoughts although that regret is still there and will never leave me about the bad job decision that has left me with no job and once again if I made the right decision I could be working and bringing home a paycheck
and not having to worry about finances so much as this reflects on my husband as well and it really bothers me, but he has been so supportive and caring of me as i really think that when he went with me to the psych appt he really found out how much anxiety and other issues I had been dealing with on a daily basis and how badly it has affected me mentally and physically.
I do understand thought that Ativan is very addictive and the withdrawal from this med is not good, so now I am scared to be on it to long but for right now it is really helping and I dont want to be like i was before. I am even eating a little more than I was before.
Had one interview this morning thru a temp agency went there was a little drive filled out paperwork was told would be interviewed by the supervisor of the department was not interviewed will need to go back again, have another appt at at a temp agency this afternoon as well, I am trying not to let the job issue upset me too much but it does at times
Have been trying to send out as amy resumes as I can has been a little slow this week however and that worries me as I am so afraidof never finding a job again. I do look for jobs everyweher that I can find them
Once again thank you for all of your support, care and concern.
SueView Thread

Thanks to all of you for your care and concern during this difficult time for me
I went to see the psych provider yesterday with my husband and we spent about an hour with her, she was great so much better than my counselor, I wish I could keep her long term and not see my counselor but she works for the county and I can only see her for a very limited time.
She put me on Ativan to help with the anxiety and I took some last night and it is really helping me alot along with the prozac
I need to go see her again next week
Now if I could only find work after the terrible error in judgement that i made regarding the job decision that I so regret that was mu fault in not telling the person where i went for the job that I already had something and wasnt coming for training, even thought I felt that it was a better opportunity and then it fell apart
The Ativan seems to be helping me with not dwelling on the past so much
which is a good thing
I am back looking for jobs once again and I fear that i may never find a position ever again, as I still wish that i hadnt made the wrong job choice to begin with and that worries me so much.
Maybe now that i am feeling a little better it wont be as difficult to go on interviews again.
SueView Thread

Sunday laid on the couch almost all day have no motivation did a few things
The meds seem to be making me worse alot of anxiety that I dont need
ate dinner on Sunday nothing since then hungry but cant eat sick to my stomach
Things seem to be getting worse instead of better for me
Goung to the psych this afternoon and my husband is going with me
All alone in this house cannot stand it time drags no one to talk to
called my dad earlier to talk but he gets frustrated with me as I discuss the past cannot stop stuck in reverse gear, if only I had taken the other job would be working life would be normal and none of this would be happening to me, cant stand it much longer feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin wish it was time to go see the psych
Want to call my neighbor across the street but I know that she doesnt want me to bother hewr as she has never called me or come over since the last time that didnt go so well.
So hard to get out of the house panic attacks dont want to leave
Just got up a little while ago all slept out as went to bed early last night and after a while cant sleep anymore at all.
So terrified wont find another job and that probably is the truth of the matter, all because of one bad job decision,
SueView Thread
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