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Eating Disorders Community

Are you struggling to overcome anorexia, bulimia, or another eating disorder? ... more

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Gracie_Smiles

Joined: 07/07/2010

My Story:

My eating disorder started as far back as I can remember, even as a 5 year old child, I was obsessed with desserts and snack foods, food hoarding, and binge eating. It started when my parents got divorced and I'd go to stay with my dad on the weekends.

Dad would take me to the store and tell me to choose what I wanted for my meals, and to pick out a bunch of treats. He had NO rules about food, whatsoever, and I felt like I could have the world on a plate. I began to associate food with happiness and love at that time.

At my mom's house, the rules were strict: Eat what you're given (parents dished up the plates) and clean your plate. This was a big problem for a kid like me who had a serious aversion to red meat, and gagged at most vegetables. Forced to sit at the table, crying for hours after everyone else had finished, then being spanked and sent to bed hungry really fueled my anger and resentment, and made me want to eat more. I started getting up at night to sneak food.
WELCOME TO SECRET BINGE EATING.
After getting caught, spanked, and sent back to bed a few times, I realized that I'd need to have my own stash of food for my night eating.
WELCOME TO FOOD HOARDING.
I used my allowance to buy candy, donuts, chips.....anything I could eat in my room without detection.

As a teenager, I started exercising excessively to control my weight. I loved the sense of mastery and control I felt when I was lean and strong. I felt invincible, but I was still binging, now with fast food as well since I had an after-school job.

I got married to a man who turned out to be an abuser and used food to comfort myself, gaining 150 lbs.

I finally divorced him 18 years ago, but have continued to have self-esteem and emotional problems and continued with food as my only friend (or so I thought).

Now at 42 years old, I weigh 300lbs, I'm diabetic and asthmatic, with fibromyalgia, arthritis, one knee needing a total replacement, and depression.

The good news is that I'm working on making healthy choices now.
I'm seeing an eating disorder therapist, working in partnership with my doctor and a nutritionist, and have my blood sugars under control.

I've lost a few pounds and expect to lose more after I start my water aerobics next week.

Now instead of hating myself when I relapse and binge, I use positive affirmations to encourage myself and just start again rather than dwelling on my mistakes.

I've disclosed my eating disorder to everyone I'm close to, so that I no longer keep any secrets about it. I even showed my boyfriend where I used to keep my food stash so he can confront me if I start hoarding again!

I still have a lot of living left to do, and I plan to be as healthy as I can!
I'm learning to love and appreciate myself, and feel that life is good again, and getting better every day!

Edited to Update
Here I am again, a couple of years later. Relapsed big time. Lost my health insurance and stressing out. My boyfriend and I have weathered some ups and downs, and really care for each other, but sometimes I don't think we are going to stay together. This makes me feel frightened and more depressed, so I reach for food to manage the stress. I feel like I'm falling.

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My 1st post in the ED community. Time to face it. ...

I used to be active on the depression forum under another name. I strongly believe...

~Gracie~
Celebrate each victory and forgive yourself for setbacks.
Be as nice to yourself as you are to other people!

Posted by Gracie_Smiles

I used to be active on the depression forum under another name. I strongly believe that my depression and my ED are totally related though.

I am 44 years old, an active binge eater with definite bulimic urges. I have purged a few times, but in the past, my main remedy to a binge was exercising. I used to be so strong and fit, but after wrecking my knees playing soccer, I started gaining weight and it's just kept on year after year.

I now weigh about 300lbs, have diabetes, osteoarhtirits, degenerative disc disease, bone spurs, hypertension, hypothyroidism, high triglycerides, fibromyalgia, and other issues.

I am afraid for my life and my sanity. Still, I continue to binge. Now, especially because of having diabetes, I feel like I need to purge after a binge because i don't want to drive up my blood sugar and start killing my organs.

I feel like I can't exercise because I hurt all of the time. My muscles, my joints, my connective tissue, everything hurts every moment of every day and night.

I think about food and/or my body constantly. From the moment I wake up, I'm thinking, "What do we have to eat in the house? Do I have money to go to the store?"

I fluctuate between being perfect with my eating and blood sugar readings, to not testing and just eating everything in sight. I used to only binge on junk food, usually keeping a stash hidden in my house....actually in several places.....but now I will binge on regular food too like sandwiches, noodles, or whatever I have here.

I can't stand it when anyone comments on my body whether positive or negative. If someone says I look like I've lost weight, I can't get to the junk food fast enough. If a stranger on the street whispers, "moo" as they walk past me, I will binge too.

I hate eating in public because I think everyone is judging me unless I have a perfect meal....you know, baked chicken or fish, steamed veggies, that kind of stuff.

Last year I finally told my family that I have binge eating disorder. No one was surprised, really. My brother tried to get me to go on The Biggest Loser...even though I explained my pain problems, he still thought I was coping out when I said that I'd love to, but I couldn't do it.

I'm sick of being sick. Sick of hating myself. Sick of living trapped in this body with mobility problems and multiple illnesses.

I sometimes think about cutting instead of binge eating. I think I would feel better.

I want to be around to see my son get married and have kids of his own. I just don't know how to keep living the way that I am, but I seriously don't know how to be any different.

Tonight I emailed my doctor and asked her if she could refer me to the counseling center at my clinic and possibly prescribe Topiramate (Topamax) for the eating disorder.

I guess I will let you all know how it goes.View Thread

~Gracie~
Celebrate each victory and forgive yourself for setbacks.
Be as nice to yourself as you are to other people!

Posted byGracie_Smiles

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:My 1st post in the ED community. Time to face it. Possible Trigger. I used to be active on the depression forum under another name. I strongly believe...

Reply: How did I ever get here?

I hope that you are finding the help that you need. How are you feeling these days?

~Gracie~
Celebrate each victory and forgive yourself for setbacks.
Be as nice to yourself as you are to other people!

Posted by Gracie_Smiles

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:How did I ever get here? I hope that you are finding the help that you need. How are you feeling these days?

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