So, I don't know how to start this. First off, I feel completely warped in the head for my way of thinking. It's like even thought I "know" factualy it's wrong [the way i think>, It's not wrong to me..
I have a history of purging. Thing is, i'm hefty sized. I lost 50 pounds my first time around doing it. It lasted maybe 4 months. My fiance found out and threatened to leave me..it stopped the actions for a while. But it hasn't s topped the thought, or the pain i literally get every time i eat something. And because of it, I try and eat the pain away even more. So needless to say, any weight lost, i gained back. Self image has been a constant struggle for me my whole life. There's not one HOUR I don't go by wishing i looked diferent or think one bad thing about myself. I workout, i even bought a sauna suit to sweat it out, but everyday i that thought pops in my head about how easy it was just to not eat, or throw it up later. and i started again- but i still feel guilty after the purging, like i still "ate" it. And just not eating is something that floats around in my mind, and as bad as it can be I can't help but wonder if even i just did it for a period, maybe that's what I need. To go through the hard stuff to just stop with this all along because honestly, this is consuming me.View Thread
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