I apologize for creating a topic all for myself, but I decided to finally take the plunge and address something I have been ignoring for a while now and I'm not sure what else to do. Incoming text wall:
I am a 19 year old female undergrad. As a child, I was skinny and boyish and was raised to place high value on my intelligence and kindness rather than my physical appearance. Yet as I grew older, I became socially isolated, lonely, morose and depressive. While this went on for years, I began to notice that while I was exceeding in my academics (I was able to drop out of high school two years ahead of schedule to enter into a major public university), I never really felt good in my own skin
Last year, I decided to move on campus rather that commute to classes everyday. This turned out to be a tremendous mistake. Unable to connect with my dorm-mates, I ate my meals alone in my single room, made not a single friend, and rapidly began to lose touch with reality. Making basic decisions became an effort, and I lost weight due to my inability to make clear decisions regarding leaving my desk to feed myself. After a narrowly avoided suicide attempt, I returned home. My depression seemed to lessen and my rational mind returned, yet I began to become increasingly preoccupied with my physicality.
Over the summer I chose to alter my diet, cutting out sweets and fats. I began to work out and was impressed with how I was able to shape myself to suit my ideals. I then cut out meats, then carbs and starchy foods. My weight continued to drop, but the exercise had toned my body so I figured this was natural. But once classes started up again, I had significantly less time to focus on my health as I was devoting 100% of my energy to studies. It was then that I decided to begin seriously cutting my food intake to infrequent snacks of raw fruit or veggies and black coffee. After only a month or two of this behavior, I have been hit with painful throat infections, avoided contact with those few friends I have, feel cold all the time, ceased menstruating, and have to constantly push aside thoughts that I am dying. Despite being 5 ft 7 in and dropping to 110 pounds, I weigh myself obsessively throughout the day, lift my shirt to examine my abdomen. When don't like what I see, I dig my finger nails into the skin around my navel until I fear it will bleed.
I am a smart, supposedly empowered young woman, yet I have fallen into this trap I never saw coming. I want help, but the thought of giving over the reins to someone else terrifies and shames me. Again, I apologize for the extremely self-indulgent use of space.View Thread
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