Well, who was it who said, "Life is NOT simple"? Now that I/we have a feew more details, it is a little easier.
First of all, BIG congrat.'s on your multi-year sobriety. Not a small thing, as all veterans of "the Rooms" know. Secondly, there are a LOT of physical reasons for ED. The place to start BEFORE therapy, and BEFORE checking the psychology, is the physiology. COMPLETE physicals for the both of you are in order. This includes PARTICULARLY: BP, sugar, cholesterol, LDL, Tri-glycerides, and Blood count (including Hemoglobin). It also just occurs to me that, up until now, I don't know what medications either or both of you are using. MANY medications ALSO can cause ED. Time to find out. I'm also sure that I don't have to mention that overweight/obesity causes all SORTS of problems, and it's possible that it also has some influence in ED, among other problems. As far as getting him to go to a therapist, when I had the same problem with the woman who is now my ex-wife, I told her, "There's nothing wrong with you. This is MY problem. But, you are closer to me than anyone else is, and have valuable insights into my behavior, and, with your help, I can get the help thatI need." You'll have to trust me on this one. Best of Luck! Once again: "Mazal Tov on your sobriety" (I'm Jewish.) BTW: Jews the world over are preparing for the Jewish New Year. For us, it is a time of introspection and change; and, moreover, hope for the future. It is MY sincere prayer and hope that the two of you will together find a solution for all your marital issues, a blissful marriage, and beautiful lives together.View Thread
Sounds like you both could use some therapy, and FAST! You need help with your self-esteem issues, he needs help with relationship issues, and you need some couples counseling about the relationship. I'm not a counselor, or a psychologist, or an Oracle. I'm just a 56-year old man with some life experience and ED. I hope it won't offend you if I write that he sounds like that guy in "Sex in the City." He worships friendships and relationships, but cannot have an intimate physical relationship for whatever reason. I once found help for my marriage at a place that provided care of the nature I described above. (Personal for both partners, and together for group sessions.) Please seek help soon. The wedding date looms, and I'd hate to see you stuck in a platonic, non-fulfilling relationship. Best of luck! ReuvenFView Thread
You know how real estate agents say the most important thing is "location, location, location"? Well, the most important thing in marriage is: "communication, communication, communication"!
Sit your husband and down, and Talk with and to him. I know it sounds trite, but that's what he needs. He needs to understand that, for you, emotional closeness is FAR more important than physical, and that you love HIM! For who he IS, and not just for what he does.
After my prostatectomy, when it became clear that my ED was permanent, my wife and I found PLENTY of other ways to satisfy each other. (Go online and lookup "Frottage" and "Tribbing.")
It is a delicate balance though. On the one hand, he wants to "be a MAN," which to him is tied up in achieving erections. On the other hand, is his love for you, and yours for him, that he also wishes to be assured of.
From what you write, it sounds like you have a good start. Remember, he wants to be reassured of your love, And he needs to have his ego stroked and stoked. Best wishes, ReuvenFView Thread