I am 41 years old and have been divorced for 10 years now. I have dated women since but only one seriously. During my marriage and the last ten years Ive had issues sexually that are very embarrassing and frustrating. I would be involved in intercourse and would lose my erection during sex. After my divorce, I got better about not losing the erection but was unable to finish. Over the last few years, Ive had issues with keeping an erection to start sex. Id get hard during foreplay and kissing but right before its time to perform my erection would go away. Clearly there is some anxiety there. Anyway, I recently was reconnected with a girl I knew 20 years ago. She is 2 years divorced, no kids, great job and still looks beautiful. We live about 2 hours from each other so Im making plans to go back into town to see her again. This really has potential and Im excited about the possibility of dating her...of course sex will eventually enter the fray. My question is(esp. to women) should I tell her of my issue before things get intimate or should I let things play out and explain later...an issue will almost no doubt come up so I wonder how to handle this...I feel the more comfortable I get with her the better it will get but of course I do not want her to be uncomfortable and feel like its her at all. Its been my experience that a lot of women blame themselves. Should I explain to her if things get to that point my issue? Would a woman appreciate that or just wait and explain later?View Thread
Hi Squeaky.....I had the same exact issue with my ex wife. First, let me tell you when he says its not you, he is not lying. You have to absolutely believe this if you truly want to help. Otherwise you will frustrate him even more. Nothing worse than trying to prove something when you know you are telling the truth and you arent believed. There are a number of reasons this could be happening. Anxiety is one. Its possible there is something in his brain telling him his performance isnt good enough. It may not be true but he believes it and thats what could be hurting him...if that isnt it, maybe his libido has tapered off...its more unusual for this to happen to someone his age but still possible...another reason(and women will not like this), but in this day and age where porn is so accessible, he may have been watching more than normal(again, women must understand that men do not do this because the woman they are with isnt good enough. It simply is not the case. Men have over-sexually active minds and they look for any void whenever they can...sorry but its true). If it is porn, the acts they watch may be fetishes or fantasies they may not be comfotable asking you to be a part of so the relationship with porn dampens relations with a real woman. Also, i would imagine (if this is the case) he matsturbates to these videos/images which may have "programed" his penis to ejaculate to these images. The good news is he does mean it when he says it isnt you. If you say you talk a lot and are open, you must continue to talk but you need to make it about him and not you. That will only frustrate both of you and you will get nowhere if you blame yourself. Say you will do whatever you can to help him and let him know you belive him when he tells you it isnt you. Im assuring you from experience that it isnt you. Hope this helps.View Thread