. I am in a pessimistic mood right now, so hard to find all five. Physically now I am doing well to help myself. I was a legal assistant for 30 years. I lost my job of 18 years in 2010 because of my illness and have been unable to keep a job since. At the time we were unaware of a severe B12 deficiency that was adding major problems to the fibro. I still can't maintain a job. I was divorced in 2005, he is not really in the picture anymore. I believe the stress of that major topped off by my mother's death in 2007 may be what brought the fibro on. I have two sons, one 22 who is on his own and the other is almost 18 and at home with me. I am getting unemployment, but it seems as if I may be facing eviction if I can't find a job. I have applied recently for social security disability - we know that will be a while. I have faith that God as a reason for everything. I am being honest and very negative, but I am thinking the world would be be better place within me in it as a burden to my children. It just seems my illness has put so many limitations on me without me having to worry about keeping a roof on our heads and at least my son finishing his last year of school at the same school he has been attending since 4th grade. My oldest son does not get it. He tells me to push through the pain. I told him this is not like lifting weights and I will be a little sore for a few days. There is no way to push, or at least I haven't found it. I have only found one doctor (a neuropsychiatrist) who has helped me to an extent with meds. I just can't find anyone who believes in it or knows enough about it to give me real help. Right now I have no insurance and all my meds and doctors appts. are out of my pocket. Neuropsychiatrist will not talk to you over the phone, you always have to go in - $90 sometimes for a five min. conversation. I don't know what I need. I need someone who knows how to treat me that cares. I have a wonderful family doctor, but she is not an expert and does not totally agree on some of the meds I am talking, so we agree to disagree. She couldn't be my fibro doctor. (Caprice your quote is so true, but yet hard to explain to my family. -We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us - Joseph Campbel) Right now I don't like how far down I am being taken, it is devastating and unpleasant. I want a real home and life for when I have grandchildren. I want to play with them and hold them. Cook for them. Help them walk. Pick them up when they cry. I want to spoil them like crazy. I need someone who can help me that cares right now. I worked five hours at a catering job last night and am so depressed and hurt today. I had a dog who was getting so old he was losing conrol of his bladder that I had to have put to sleep and my precious Sophie (precious persian cat) I had to give away because I am not able financially or physically to take care of. I have no family but my two sons and they have so much to be bitter about. Their father turned out to be just a complete dead beat. Now look at me. I have no compassion from anyone. I am trying to keep my faith. I guess I will see what tomorrow brings. One more day to see what God will do.
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