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I didn't feel it coming... I didn't see it coming... I didn't even feel depressed.... I felt like fighting back at the world and anxious... But that was all... I really don't know where it all came from... Except from being penned up somewhere... I don't talk much to anyone while I am sick... And I was just sick for a long time again... So I guess I just needeed to empty my heart out...
Maybe it just climaxed... Today is my husbands birthday... He would have been 56 today... I will be 56 in 1 month and 2 days.. We celebrated our birthdays by doing special things the whole time thru... together... It is hard sometimes to think of him as being gone... And I miss him so... But I can feel him with me... It just isn't the same... I miss him so... I don't think the pain and missing him like this will ever go away... He died on the 26th of Dec. 2011... We just celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary on the 25th... We were apart... He and I couldn't take care of each other anymore.. But we were planning on trying to move him to AZ last summer.. He just left too soon... I couldn't go back to say good-bye.. Maybe if I could have...
I am thinking more of our good times and celebrations together then of that stuff tho.... But even they bring tears to my eyes... Happy tears and sad... I was thinking of doing something we use to do when he was a truck driver and I was in the truck with him... We got those little cupcakes and those were our cakes... Maybe I will get some for me and my family and share his birthday cake with them... Is that stupid?
I have been up pretty much for 3 days... Get pretty beat and in a lot of pain at night but what's new... lol... I feel stronger every day... I am eating better... not too hungry today but I think it is emotional today... lol... either that or I got filled up yesterday... I was hungry and actually ate the way I was suppose to lol... Anyway... I feel better... Still having a few stomach cramps.... But I see my dr Tuesday and hoping he will see some improvement by then...
Lost some more weight... Yeh again the hard way but I lost... Still have plenty to lose... But I am working on it and when you can do a lot of exercises to kill the fat it is rough... But I am doing more exercises too... too bad my neck isn't fat lol... That is where the exercises got increased lol...
I am going in for my next epidural next Wednesday... The last one helped... The pain that was excruciating in my neck is nowhere near that... and was gone till yesterday or night before... I have some trouble on my right side again now and in my right arm and hand but also not near the pain I had before... So.. Let's go for it..
I hope you all didn't get bored again lol... I just talk too much...
Be good to yourself... You, are the only you, you have...
Take care... Love.. Jan/DakotaView Thread

Some unfortionate FM people are unable to find relief in opiates due to the brain processes the FM effects... Some are lucky like me and find most pain relieved... However in a bad flare nothing relieves my FM...
I feel FM pain pretty constant... 24/7... Along with my other pain... But the meds I am on keep my pain levels down to a tolerable 3 to 4 now with the help of epidurals... Not FM shots just epidurals... Now that my neck nerve damage is dealt with I feel the tender points of FM in my shoulders and neck... But not severe yet... I am still working on the first series of epidurals tho...
It still took me a while to get someone to listen and get me into pain management and get anyone to treat me with opiates... We tried all the FM usuals... Unfortunately... they didn't like me or me them lol.. So it was our last straw... I am now pretty comfortable... Not pain free and I do suffer with a lot of pain in the late afternoon and night every day but I can live with that... I have my self hypnosis... meditation... and imagery... and rest... and exercise... soft stretches throughout the day... and night...
I know pain is maddening... difficult to live with.. But I try hard to keep up my spirits and remain positive... I have been in and out of a wheelchair for years... almost 30... But in and out is not "in" one... I count my blessings... I do have some bad Parkinson "Dances" as I call my jerking and shaking about lol... but I can still type and come here and read and sometimes it may take hours to respond to someone or post but I have the patience.. every once in awhile lol...
Sometimes... Occasionally... Well on some days... lol...
My best advice to you is to read our post called our "Toolbox"... It can be found here...
http://forums.webmd.com/3/fibromyalgia-exchange/tip/5
I can't tell you how many times I have read it... Been like book reading now a days lol... It might be a source of some help other then meds... that might help you now... It was written by the members here about what helps them...
Hang in There and Pace yourself... For me that is the hardest thing to do... I even have to pace how much I sit up... And believe me I truly like to push too far there lol... But so far the past 3 days I have held my own.... This is my 3rd day up after a long illness... And I am not flaring as bad as everyday goes by.. I am still getting rest when I need it I guess... But I am still pushing just a little to gather more strength... I just have a fine line... Unfortionately I can be doing everything just right and still get hit hard... Oh well.. As I say... "Such is the life in Jan's World..." lol...
I hope you get to feeling better fast... I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...
Take care... Love... Jan/DakotaView Thread

I also am Parkinson Dancing tonight so I may have a few exttra letters that pass me by... I don't always see the line to correct cuz I get a headache with the Dance lol... Life is so interesting in the life of Jan... lol... I have multiple illnesses...
Among a few FM... Parkinson's... MS... and this group is wonderful to listen to them all... And then they even love me even so in return... lol...
The first thing I try to do is accept things that are happening to me inside and out... and keep things as casual for my friends and loved ones as I can.. They ask how I am I am hanging... Having a Parkinson's Ballet Day... Or Rap Day... Or even a Country Ease Day.... ...lol...
They think I take things so easy... Sometimes I do and sometimes if you are my best friend I can tell you how I really am... Or if you are my daughter... or son... But even so... I try to stay as positive as I can... Keeping the miracles of my life upper in my thoughts and mind... And I do have them... Every step I take... With my walker or without... Sitting in my wheelchair.... I am out of bed... Even in bed... I am alive...
I have a dear family that loves and supports me... My son's take care of me and I live with them... they don't live with me lol... I am looking forward to spending some time with my daughter and her husband and their 5 kids in June... God willing I will find enough health... And then if I can I might bring 2 kids back for 3 weeks... and have a couple of nieces come see me I haven't seen since they were babies and youths... So I have a lot to get better for and a lot to look forward to.. I have tpo take it one day no one moment at a time... I just got done with my upteenth bout of colitis which is a chronic problem.... and it likes to return in a couple of months... Not this time... I just have to avoid it...
See I talk too much... I told you way too much about me you must be bored.... lol... I am feeling better... But tired... So I hope you are happy to be with us... I found the best way to get to know the group was to read the "Members ToolBox" it is located here...
http://forums.webmd.com/3/fibromyalgia-exchange/tip/5
You can also get some ideas as to how we deal with our FM... It is written by the members here... about just that... But I got great insight to the people here thru reading it...
I will go now.. Blabbed enough..
Take care... Love... Jan/DakotaView Thread

My counselor says I have that in the wrong order... I need to love me first... For me I have to be me and share me to love me... and then to do all of that I have to do the hardest thing of all... To Be KIND To Me... If I can't do that there is no "being me/sharing me/loving me..."
I truly try daily to walk beyond the adversity... Some caused by me for I have PTSD and I am Manic and have fits of rage towards my oldest son at times.. He is the one that takes the brunt of it for he acts like his dad still and gets in my face to yell at me... He is working on it... But usually after every time I am ill like I have been again I have amends to make... I think my new meds dose helped this time.. I will ask him today... For I also black out a lot.. Today is his day of rest and later we will have some quality time together...
Sometimes being kind to me means stepping aside... The grandkids
Mom visited over Easter and had a huge fight with Daddy... Both saying things at least he told the kids he is sorry for.. She hasn't called or talked to them... But has called my son... She is leaving state again on the 19th... But it seems every time she is near them they are hurt... the last time she got mad at Hailey and told her that she has no brain that's why she get's into trouble... Then she told her it's because I have no brain and it wasn't her fault... She got into trouble the next day and told me this... I Mentioned it to my son and he said he heard her say this but didn't think Hailey understood what it meant... I said evidently she did... She is 4 1/2... The poor children will suffer when she leaves but I think they suffer more now... Keep them in your thoughts and prayers... thanks...
I am not really holding my own... up one day and down 3... And no I truly am not overdoing it... I am doing everything I should be doing and maybe less... I had my epidural and I was already flaring... Mostly just fatigued... It wiped me out big time lol... My son thought for sure they put me out... lol... It was like a truck was standing on me... I was in slower than slow motion and falling asleep standing up... And no he didn't put me out... Then my colitis wanted to set in again but the powder drink subsided that... Then I just got done sleeping again for a day and a half... not waking to alarms... phones... missed getting my granddaughter off the bus when the car broke down and my son didn't make it in time.. He said he ran in and I turned off the alarm and went right back to sleep... I am not like that... So I was far gone...
I feel bright eyed yet today... I am outside it is about 60 degrees out been raining most of the night and filled our pool... In AZ that says a lot... lol... And it is a big in-ground pool... But my son came in about 9 last night when the sandstorm turned to a beautiful strong rain and said you have to smell this.... It was beautiful... The smell... The sound... and yes I had to feel it too lol...
Maybe it was nature's healing... A nice cool fresh breeze coming in my window all night... No dusty heat lol... Or dusty stale air lol... Just mother nature's cleanliness... Freeing my soul with her spirit and my spirit with her freshness... Makes sense to me lol...
So I will go read some or delete most of my email lol.... and enjoy this wonderfully cool weather...
Take care... love... Jan/DakotaView Thread

I am not as slow today... I am actually thinking better and a bit less comatosis... So I am hoping today is my day to do some things for me like read a good book on my tablet... Maybe talk to my nieces online... They need more attention... They want to come down this summer to see me... First time since they were children and they have children of their own now.. It will be good... They don't get along with my parents... I don't know how to break the news to them... I won't until it is a definite...
I also want some quality time with my oldest son... He has been hurting and has taken over the kids and I need to make him feel appreciated... When I am ill he is the one I snap at the most... He doesn't take it like a pro... He hurts bad... He is a lot like me... very sensitive... very kind... very loving... and snaps right back... which throws me deeper into a spell... not good...
So I always have some mending to do now a days... I am on more meds for my psych... I think it is helping... Wasn't near as bad this time I think... But I was pretty confused and out of it this time... He kept mentioning the hospital... I kept saying no no no... I be fine just a flare.. He had a day he couldn't wake up last week and now he understands better... He has FM too... We all 3 do here... Prayerfully it will skip my daughter... The only thing that worries me is she has dizzy spells they can't find a reason for... But I will be with her for a month in June and maybe I can see if it is blood pressure... She won't go daily to have it read... I have my machine... She is a good gal and lives with 5 very active children and suddenly an inactive husband lol...
well... that should have went into my message... I will shut up now and send a message out... lol... be my first update in awhile... hope someone still remembers me and wants to catch up lol...
Everyone... Stay positive and cool... Todays pain is just that... Todays... Don't dwell on yesterdays or tomorrows... And cherish the blessings of today... For even thru the pain there is a blessing... You can walk where someone out there never will... You can feed yourself where someone is being fed... You are a blessing to us all here... So you aren't useless and you definitely have purpose... I grow from you even if you never say a word... For I grow from the words I write you...
Take care... Love... Jan/DakotaView Thread

Yeh the epidural... Not put out for... Dr believes you have to communicate thru out it... Asked me not to use hypnosis but I did just to relax... I still felt the pressure and he was nice enough not to tell me when it was going to burn as I asked him to... I told him I braced myself against it when he did and that isn't what he wanted... I did tell him I could feel just enough pain to know it was there... I felt the pressure and the burn and the pressure some more and then the flush like water... and it was done... He said I did well... But I better lie down... lol... I thought I was fine till I went to stand up lol... Then the pressure in my brain swooned and as still swooning at times... think that is the word for it... Hard to think of it when swooning lol...
I take forever doing anything this has taken a long time... Guess I just wanted to say hi and I am still positively hanging in thee... lol.... not too positive if you aren't hanging lol... so I can say I am hanging lol...
Very much in pain now... So... off to bed I go... Me and my seven dwarfs... Not that I feel like a princess... but sometimes my dog feels like many dogs lol... and my grandkids feel like many kids lol... And I feel like singing "It's off to "bed/work"we go"... lol sometimes it is more work to go to bed then it is to go... Tonight it is work... lol... And interrupted a lot lol... I am going off now tho...
Enough of this whatever you call what I am doing lol... not really complaining... not really ranting.... not really just mentioning lol... I don't know... If you do let me know lol... Figure me out and you will be a step above me lol.. and a arm full of dr's and a room full of shrinks lol.. excuse the slang lol...
love to all...
take care and have a great night... Mine is being looked forward to...
Love... Jan/DakotaView Thread

Staying out here may be a challlenge today... I am cold.. Going to get tired of this 4 am wake up call... Seems my body says wake up at 4 even thogh my alarm is saying 5.... This morning it was 3:45... I went back to sleep and didn't hear the laarm till 4"15... My goodness you would think someone would have woke me it is set to wake the dead lol... Full blast sound and if I would have not gone back to sleep or gone to sleep earlier I would have been fine... Just didn't have enough time to rest...
Odly enough I go to sleep at night to sleep 20- 30 minutes for a couple of hours and feel like I slept hours... lol... then I get 3 to 4 hours of sleep and feel like I didn't get any lol....
Then I am up too early and can't stay up lol... Makes no sense huh...
Well.. enough.. I have homework for my Dr's to do and I think just figured out how to do it... I have to transfer the info into a chart before tomprrow at 8 am... Or leave it at home lol...
I can cuz it isn't her homework... but it will help with her treatment of me... So I will try today to get it done...
You all try to have a great day... Look forward to spring and spring showers that bring beautiful flowers... They will be here... love to you all... Jan/DakotaView Thread

I also have something that might help you explain to your friends what life is like for you... It is called the Spoon Theory... A woman with Lupus wrote it but it is quite universal for illnesses and disabilities... the url is here...
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
I just shared it with my best friend and I know it helped her to understand... She just called me to see if I had a spare spoon for her today lol... Read it you will understand... lol...
I know you will never be able to replace your dear friend here... But we are an understanding group... a caring group... We feel what you feel mentally and physically... We are so much like you that you are a part of us... And we you... Try to vent anytime you need... I talk about anything from my grandkids to the sunset... and then some...
Right now I am off to bed... But you just caught my eye... And I knew to open up your message...
take care... love jan/dakotaView Thread

Just ate so I am feeling rough... this won't be one of my long ones... I just wanted to say hi... And let you know I am still alive and kicking... Just not too high lol... But high enough to kick all these illnesses in the you know whats lol... I will be on the mend soon I hope... Dr only gave me a week to feel better I only have 5 days left lol... I gotta get ROLLIN !!!!!!!!! lol... I don't know if I can keep this timetable lol...lol...lol...
Oh hey... nothing but rest on the agenda today... That and playing with my new tablet... I let it die on me today and my daughter told me I had to let it charge another 4 hours again... I won't let that happen again lol... I was in the middle of a good book too lol... Oh well... I just switched to my computer to finish the chapter lol...
Do any of you know if you can use your tablet and charge them at the same time... I can't imagine you can't... It doesn't say if you can or not in the book and I haven't found anything on the website for it either... I don't like not being able to use it... I like being Spoiled... LOL...
Well.. It is off to bed... before another fight breaks out lol... Kids had one... My sons had one... Me and one of my son's had one... Gotta get out of firing range lol... Seems everyone is touchy today...
Take care... Have a great weekend... love... Jan/DakotaView Thread
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