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Thank you for your time.View Thread
It's been 10 1/2 years but the pain and heartache and guilt just don't seem to be getting any better. I understand why she did it because I am bipolar as well...but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. She is the only one in my whole life that seemed to truly understand me and accept me exactly the way I am. I have never found a friendship like that again. Is it normal to still be grieving after so many years? Everyone tells me that I should just get over it already...none of them have lost any loved ones to suicide and I just wish the pain and sadness would go away...does anyone have any suggestions? Has anyone lost someone to suicide? I miss her so much...View Thread
We rented a car on arrival and went directly to the hospital and I was the only person there. As I looked around I started to feel hysteria, he was hooked to a ventilator and swaddled like a mummy. My Dad was dying and we were saying goodbye. I went to him and could tell he recognized me, he grabbed my hand and kept holding it tighter and tighter. I leaned over and kissed him .
As I understood what was happening, my Dad's most hated thing was going to the doctor. The day before he had 3 doctors appointments that took all day. When he got home he said he was going for a nap. My Mom says he was still sleeping at 11:00 PM when she turned in.
We have no idea what happened and we never will. We think he got up to go to the bathroom and slipped or tripped and fell on the metal bar on the bottom of the shower landing on the bridge of his nose and fracturing his skull. Somehow he tried to get up or he was slipping in all the blood, he smashed the back of his head on the marble jacuzzi tub and fractured his skull again. When he was brought to the hospital the neurologist said there was absolutely no hope he could survive, his skull was crushed like an eggshell.
There is not anyone on the planet that was Daddy's girl like I was. We did everything together. Even after I left home he would come wherever I was to have lunch or dinner.. He was a hugely successful, powerful man and he did it all himself. He was a huge adventurer, he forged his mother's signature and went to war when he was 16, he went on safari, he did everything and took me along for the ride sometimes..
I stood next to his bed in either shock or disbelief that this spectacular man was going to leave me for such a stupid thing., the few times I ever thought of him crossing over it would be when he was 99 on some deep sea fishing excursion that he loved.
After he passed I wrote and delivered the eulogy which I was told was something my Dad would have loved. At the time I was highly medicated for my bipolar problem, I was taking 14 pills at a cost of $40,000 a year, I was taking 1200 mgs of seroquel.
I have no idea what is happening , this is the first time I have told anyone about what happened to my Dad. I did not comprehend any of it. This is the first time I am telling this story to ANYONE. I did not understand why I felt like the deer caught in the headlights. Was I so medicated I could feel nothing. All I understood was that I did not have any emotions. My mother said I was completely catatonic.
My Dad called me every day of my life no matter where he was, after I got home I just kept looking at the phone. I cannot tell you how many times I picked up the phone to call him with some story which he loved.
Ever since his death I cannot and have not spoken about him or done absolutely anything that makes me go there.
The other day I saw all the father's day cards and gifts and I felt like someone had shot a crossbow arrow into me. I was shaking like a leaf
and for the first time since his death I actually thought of him.
I am absolutely paralyzed , what happened to me ? Did I go to another planet for two years ? I have not felt any of the things you experience with grief.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I BLOCKED OUT THE PICTURES OF THE BATHROOM, THERE WAS BLOOD IN EVERY INCH OF A VERY LARGE BATHROOM. DID HE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, DID HE REALIZE HIS LIFE WAS OVER. DID HE UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED ?
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME ?
ALLISONView Thread
Would you be able to direct me to what type of therapist I might seek? I have no idea of what I should look for, a psychologist, psychiatrist, talk therapist, because i recognize my problems and that I need to take measures to work through them, I've also found & read some good self help books that have had trustworthy ratings but it seems no matter how much I read of myself in them I have yet to know just how to really 'fix' things without feeling like I will hurt someone. I know I need to be strong, more than that I want to be a better person. I have a truly sincere and loving heart but my anger is pushed down inside of me too aand it is not a part of me I am proud of nor to I ever want to embrace, it is a shame really. I think family issues are deep and whether or not I am able to successfully express myself will remain to be seen. I just would really be interested to know where to start, i mean what kind of professional should I be talking to, any suggestions as to a good place for me to start. Again, forgive me but I would prefer to seek someone who has no religious views or at least someone who would not try to push their beliefs off on me. Thank you from 'my heart...'View Thread
Father - 82 suffered years of COPD/Emphysema, refused doctors until the fall of the year before he passed. I was 42 at his passing. Close knit family, problems like most, more or less than some. Father drank for many years, family struggled during that time. Personally I worried to lose him because of his drinking. He quit on his own later in years, the family had its ups and downs. I think he was depressed because of his illness, he was losing his ability to comfortably breathe and function in general. I was there often for he & my mom. Mom was dependent, never drove, still doesn't drive thus relied on others to help out. I placed myself in the situation of feeling responsible to do so. I believe I have codependence problems personally and perhaps some serious suppressed anger issues.
Six years ago February my father was to go in for angiogram. He didn't have a choice in the matter, pain in his feet became very serious, had gangrene on one of his toes, terrible pain I could see in his face. He never complained, suffered in silence but one could see the toll it took on his health along with the COPY/Emphysema & congestive heart failure. We learned a lot those final months. He should have came home from the hospital 2 days after the angio procedure. Nurses said he they gave him morphine. We thought he would be okay for the night. Found out he tried to get up to go to the bathroom & fell. They discovered tarry stools and preped him for surgery immediately. Found a bleeding ulcer they were unaware of. Surgeon said he died on the table, another dr. brought him back. That was the beginning of his four month stay in ICU. I drove myself and my mother daily to the hospital and back, we were rarely separate, never alone with my fahter. Resentment built, I had two brothers I never asked to help although I expected they would and should on their own. I hold resentment towards them today because I felt they knew I could use a break from being with my mother 24/7, she stayed with me all during that time because she did not drive nor did she have anyone to rely on. (My codependent problem) I couldn't be the cause of her not seeing my dad, she was his wife. So much stress and anxiety filled his room those four months, we were so afraid she and I, my anger became suppressed for fear of the unknown, repressed feelings never able to get out. Where I had been semi religious I've become atheist, i believe in nothing except self, self to be the only thing to rely on in this life when it comes down to it. I find my relationship with my mother is very strained, I continue to be there for her. She has moved closer to me so I could be there, still the brothers are not. Why she depends on me is because I allowed it, I realize this. Sadly she never had the skills to do for herself, my father provided for all of his family, worked hard all the years. Mom took care of house and us but always had to depend on otehrs to help her when she needed to do something. Very low self esteem I have learned these later years but has learned a lot since dad's passing. Still I can feel the anger that feels suppressed raging out of me towards her because she has been so needy and I don't feel I have anything to give. I love her and in my mind I hurt her and I am rude toward her most days. How can I love someone and be so hurtful? I make her nervous because she never knows what to expect with me. I have a problem. How can I find help? What kind of professional do I need to seek please?! This change has been so terribly difficult, life without my beloved father. We both loved him, I feel a true hole in the world, in my life and heart that can never be replaced. PLEASE, needing help, advise. TYView Thread
A little more than two years ago, I had a friend commit suicide.
In June that year, my best friend died from ovarian cancer.
Then my mother-in-law, of 27 years, lost a three month battle with lung cancer. She was only 67.
In September 2010, my mother and my best friend died after a long battle with Alzheimer's Disease. I was her primary caregiver and I believe when she died, I had already been actively grieving her for many years. I lived in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and heartbreak for over five years.
In January 2011, my 18 year old pet bird died. He was my baby.
In February 2011, my father in law died unexpectedly.
In an effort to overcome all this, I took a job caring for my niece's three babies. Ages 5, 3, and 1. Since I was never able to conceive after 27 years married, I jumped at the chance. It became my time to be a grandmother, and I have fallen in love with them a little more everyday.
Yesterday, my niece called hysterical. The 18 month old baby had his finger accidently cut off.
I was unable to cry at all the parents deaths or their funerals. I can't quit crying about the baby. I have nightmares everynight about my mother. I have panic attacks, including dizzyness, tingling, shaking, fast heartbeat. I have flashbacks and nightmares of sickness and death. I have times of uncontrollable rage.
My doctor says, grief is a normal life process. I am taking two doses of 100 mg. Zoloft, two doses of .5 mg. Klonopin, and a blood pressure pill every day.
I am beginning to have ideations of mental disorders. I am thinking I am bipolar, PTSD, OCD, anxiety disorder, and depression. Can enough emotional pain turn me into a mental case?
I do not know where to turn for help. Am starting to have suicidal thoughts. Just thoughts, I would not act on them.
I am open to suggestions, and thank you for listening. RoseView Thread
the only thing I can tell everyone is that it gets easier with time..
when i come here and see everyone's pain I start feeling the sadness all over again...please hang in there..I read some of these posts and I have to keep from crying because It brings it all back..
I can promise time helps no matter how sad we all feel now
I'm here for everyone
TomView Thread
She told me that on this site you can buy guided imagery CDs to help with various issues. I started by downloading a free 15 minute clip. I started listening to this clip every day, and it actually seems to help. What I figured out is that there was still a lot of pain and sadness in me which I hadn't been able to allow myself to express. Listening to this clip helped me relax enough to let my guard down, and let the emotions out, that I've been trying to ignore. I wouldn't say that things are great now. But I finally feel like there is some hope left in this life. Like maybe one day I will be okay.View Thread
But I have learned many things from this experience, and I have grown incredibly from it. These days I really listen to people, not just to what they are saying, but what they aren't saying, to what they want to say. I give people the benefit of doubt more often than I used to, and I find myself giving complements to strangers. I try to infuse each moment with a little more depth, and to challenge people to be their best. I do this because I know what it is like to fight through an omnipresent fog, I know how those gray skies suck out all the sound from the world.
I am finally at the point where I want to be able to face this head on, and use it to help other people. If Lance Armstrong's battle with cancer can inspire people to face their own cancer, I want my history to help inspire compassion and hope for a better future. Anything else would be an insult to his memory. I am posting this here both because I need to be comfortable talking about what happened, and because I hope someone is reading this and can gain strength from it.
Thank you, and be wonderful to yourself.View Thread
My mom passed 8 months ago. She was ill for about 15 years and me, my sister and stepdad took care of her. Her passing was very sudden. Just 2 days before she died, we celebrated her birthday and she was laughing and had such a great time. My bio died also died in 1987, after a long illness. I was 12.
About 4 months after my mom died, I started a new relationship. He's a great guy and very supportive of me. Things were going really well until about a month ago (my bday) when I started to feel anxious, irritable, sad, overwhelmed and unhappy.
In the last month, I've had some good days, but lately just feeling really down and crying daily again. I'm sure it's because Easter is coming up and then Mother's Day.
I have a therapist who has helped me a lot to deal with my mom. However, I'm feeling worse now than I did a few months ago.
Any advice on starting a new relationship while grieving? I don't want to hurt my boyfriend or push someone away but feel myself doing that. I feel like I have no energy to put into the relationship right now.View Thread
Thank youView Thread
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