A little more than two years ago, I had a friend commit suicide.
In June that year, my best friend died from ovarian cancer.
Then my mother-in-law, of 27 years, lost a three month battle with lung cancer. She was only 67.
In September 2010, my mother and my best friend died after a long battle with Alzheimer's Disease. I was her primary caregiver and I believe when she died, I had already been actively grieving her for many years. I lived in a constant state of fear, anxiety, and heartbreak for over five years.
In January 2011, my 18 year old pet bird died. He was my baby.
In February 2011, my father in law died unexpectedly.
In an effort to overcome all this, I took a job caring for my niece's three babies. Ages 5, 3, and 1. Since I was never able to conceive after 27 years married, I jumped at the chance. It became my time to be a grandmother, and I have fallen in love with them a little more everyday.
Yesterday, my niece called hysterical. The 18 month old baby had his finger accidently cut off.
I was unable to cry at all the parents deaths or their funerals. I can't quit crying about the baby. I have nightmares everynight about my mother. I have panic attacks, including dizzyness, tingling, shaking, fast heartbeat. I have flashbacks and nightmares of sickness and death. I have times of uncontrollable rage.
My doctor says, grief is a normal life process. I am taking two doses of 100 mg. Zoloft, two doses of .5 mg. Klonopin, and a blood pressure pill every day.
I am beginning to have ideations of mental disorders. I am thinking I am bipolar, PTSD, OCD, anxiety disorder, and depression. Can enough emotional pain turn me into a mental case?
I do not know where to turn for help. Am starting to have suicidal thoughts. Just thoughts, I would not act on them.
I am open to suggestions, and thank you for listening. RoseView Thread
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