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Grief & Loss Community

Have you lost a loved one? A pet passed away or a lost a job? Grief binds all ... more

Can't Move On

My Mother passed away July 29th, 2011. She would have been 70 August 14th. I thought,...

Posted by Miss_Vikki

My Mother passed away July 29th, 2011. She would have been 70 August 14th.

I thought, after the intial shock, that I was ok. Of course I think about her everyday. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about her. But recently for the past few days I've felt like I've been run over by a mac truck. I can't even look at my kids, step outside my door and see the sky or anything for that matter without breaking down into tears.

The pain in my heart is so intense. I've completely confined myself to my house. I've stoped taking care of myself, of my kids, of my home. I get so angry I've actually yelled at my children, and the whole time I'm doing these out of the ordinary things, in the back of my head I ask myslef Why? I can't seem to focus on anything, I keep forgetting the mosy mundane things. I just feel so lost, and so alone.

My fiance gets angry at me because I have confided my feelings to one of my guy friends who has also lost his mother. My fiance' thinks I should be talking to him about these things. But why? My fiance's mother is living, breathing and lives just 5 minutes away from us. How can he know my pain in the least.

I just want to be numb. I've taken Xanax, way more then perscribed, to make my pain go away. I know my fiance' is right, the pain will only go away for a short period of time, but at least I get that small amount of peace.

Another thing that hurts, is during my pain, I lashed out at my younger sister. I said things I never ment to say. I know I hurt her or pissed her of. I wrote to her and apologized, letting her know it was never her fault for how I was acting, that I just didn't know how to deal with this. And that the reason I havent been to visit is because I don't think I can emotionally handle seeing my mom's house or see my dad without my mom by his side without breaking down. She hasn't written back, so I'm really taking that kind of hard.

I'm in a pretty bad slump today. So bad my fiance' called my therapist, in turn she called the police to my house. By the time they got here I had fallen asleep from all the drugs I took and they didn't even bother to check on me or enter my home. Not that I wanted them to as I had no idea they had been called.

I can't go back to the mental hospital, I just can't. I don't want to lose my children and being there only made me more depressed then anything else. I'm just hurting inside, hurting so bad that I feel like I don't even want to be alive myself anymore. I just want to end it all. For the pain to stop.

God help me pleaseView Thread

Posted byMiss_Vikki

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Can't Move On My Mother passed away July 29th, 2011. She would have been 70 August 14th. I thought,...

Reply: Can't Move On

Thank you Caprice. This is just so difficult. I'm in tears everyday It's after 2am and i...

Posted by Miss_Vikki

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Can't Move On Thank you Caprice. This is just so difficult. I'm in tears everyday It's after 2am and i...

Losing my mother

Trigger I was told to come here from another community I started, that here I might find...

Posted by Miss_Vikki

Trigger
I was told to come here from another community I started, that here I might find more help in what I'm going through.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer 6 months ago. She had a tumor removed from her frontal lobe. Since then, her speach has been affected, and her emotions are always up and down. She had the mentality of a 1-2 year old then an intelligent 65 y/o lady. She never wanted to live like that. She asked a few family members on several occasions to get a gun and shoot her. My dad is 75 and unable to care for her on his own, so he placed her in a nursing home. On the 15th she had a stroke which left her right side completely paralized. Now she can't talk and can barely swallow. She has given up on life. She wants to die and it's so hard to watch her go through this. She refuses her meals and has given strict orders against a feeding tube. She hasn't had a meal since the 15th. My dad can randomly get a few straw fulls of water or juice in her mouth before she clenches her teeth and refuses to open her mouth. She's just whithering away before our eyes and there is nothing we can do about it. It's just so hard. I have been trying to get the strength to let her know that it's ok to go, that it's ok to be at peace and that my sister and I will take care of my dad. I can't get past my emotions to say this to her. She can hear me when I talk to her. When I last visited, she opend her eyes and looked at me.

I just don't know what to do, what to say anymore, or even how to say it. Everytime I try to form the words, I break down. I'm trying to be strong for her, but I came into this situation already weakend by a life long battle with depression. My brain can't handle this. Seeing my dad cry deepens my pain. Seeing him hurt so much and the guilt he's placing on himself. He thinks he didn't hydrate her enough to stop the stroke. He blames himself for the pain she's going through.

I don't want her to die. But I want her pain to end. The Dr's have made it very clear there is no coming back from this for her. I think she knows this, it's why she's starving herself it's why she has now choosen DNR. It's all too much to handle. I don't know or have the tools to handl this. I've never experienced this before.

Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

<3 VView Thread

Posted byMiss_Vikki

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Losing my mother Trigger I was told to come here from another community I started, that here I might find...

Reply: Losing my mother

My mom passed away at 6:10am this morning. I'll try to talk more later as I can't think...

Posted by Miss_Vikki

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Losing my mother My mom passed away at 6:10am this morning. I'll try to talk more later as I can't think...

Reply: Losing my mother

I've been at the nursing home from 2pm to almost 2am. We were so sure she was going to...

Posted by Miss_Vikki

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Losing my mother I've been at the nursing home from 2pm to almost 2am. We were so sure she was going to...

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