I don't know what to say that I haven't already said a hundred times to a hundred different people. So here are the key points:
1. My husband suffered from PTSD and TBI
2. My husband lost his battle with his disabilities and committed suicide March 2012. We were married almost 5 years, together almost 6 (I was basically his caregiver)
3. I came home to find my husband dead in our garage, from a gun shot wound to the head (and was diagnosed with PTSD myself approximately 4 months later)
4. We had a daughter together, she was 2 yrs old at the time (now almost 3 1/2)
5. I didn't cope in a healthy way and my actions eventually led to rehab and hospitalization
6. I lost custody of my daughter Dec 2012, to my mother in law (who blames me for her son's death, still)
7. I have been fighting ever since to regain custody. But regardless of my sobriety, involvement in therapy and psychiatric care, attending parenting education classes, random drug screening, and jumping through the hoops of Family Division, I am still hopeless
8. My daughter is all I have left and without her I can't even get out of bed in the morning
9. One month ago I finally started bereavement support groups (survivors of suicide specifically). Everyone said it would help but all it has done is bring up everything I was trying so hard to forget
10. It does not matter how many times you tell me, "It's not your fault", because the guilt is always going to be there. And the reason I'm making this online post at nearly 3am is because I just took a shower, and cried, as I so often do. The shower feels like the only safe place to cry. This weight in my heart, this pain in my chest, the difficulty to breathe, the nightmares, the flashbacks; all of it is consuming me.
11. I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to forgive. I don't know how to stop being so angry. I don't know how stop living in the past. I don't know how to focus on the happier times because all I can remember is the bad times.
12. I don't even know why I'm taking the time to type all of this out. I try to write in a journal and my hand shakes uncontrollably. I can't write as fast as the words want to spill from my brain.
13. I've attempted to read several different self-help books dealing with loss by suicide, understanding suicide, and so forth, and it's too painful
14. Living is too painful. But I can't abandon my daughter. She doesn't deserve that.
15. Unhealthy thoughts taunt me. They dance around my mind. They tempt me. I try to focus on my daughter. Ultimately I fear death.
16. No one else in my husband's life had to see what I saw. Their last memories of my husband are pleasant. They are not of a corpse. Everyone blames me for failing as a mother, as a wife, and as a person. But no one stops to think about it from my point of view.
I'm not expecting a bunch of replies, or even one. To whoever reads this, thank you for taking the time. It still hurts to breathe and I'm still crying, but I didn't keep it inside this time. So that's got to count for something, right?View Thread
The opinions expressed in WebMD Communities are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD. Communities are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. WebMD does not endorse any specific product, service or treatment.
Do not consider Communities as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. WebMD understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.