Hi. I have been honestly meaning to drop in here for a while to post and update you on what I've been through, but there's just been so much going on and as simple as it sounds, finding the strength and energy to post hasn't been do-able. I'm drained.
I went through a traumatic situation two days before Christmas and spent Christmas Eve and Day doing non fun things and going through the ER etc. I've been through a lot and don't remember the past 6 weeks at all or how they could go so fast.
This is kind of vague, but I will post more soon. I just wanted to let everyone know why I'd not been in for a while. I hope to be back in and posting more often like I used to always do.
Due to the trauma, I have physical injuries from it. I'm up late tonight because I'm in pain and can not sleep. I'm trying a prescription to see if it will help with the pain, but I don't tolerate prescriptions or medicine really well, hardly at all.
I also lost 4 people last year, 3 jobs (cut backs everywhere), decline in my health in the last 7 months, etc.
Well, there's so much more I'd like to share, but will do so another time when I've had a little sleep. I just wanted to at least let you know for now that this happened to me and I'm having a tough time. I'm having emotional blocking and am not able to grieve the trauma and losses like I need to so am praying it surfaces in time. I wish I had a good friend who could just hold me and spend time with me. I really need someone.
Write more soon. hope everyone is hanging in there okay. Just remember someone always has it worse off than what you may be going through. When I started bouncing back in little ways after this, it felt so good to me that even though I'm a mess inside and hurting so deeply emotionally and physically, it felt good to be doing the routine things I needed to and be myself some and giivng smiles to whoever I ran into as I would go places I needed to go, even if it is for medical stuff or dr appts etc. Somehow, just smiling and seeing people smile back...it made me feel good that I can still be myself..the whole world doesn't have to know I'm falling apart...I can still be me and maybe that person I gave a smile to needed one for the day. I hope so. I may not think I have a lot and I may hurt so deeply, but I can still be thankful, keep a good attitude, keep a good outlook on life and wear my smile I'm known for. The true joy in living is found in the heart that is filled with thanksgiving. I'm not going to let this trauma ruin my life or have control over my life. It's knocked the wind out of me, but my anchor is still firmly held in Christ and nothing can still my deep faith. i hurt so bad physically and emotionally and it's just helpful to write and share my heart some. I never think I'm going to write much, but I always write a lot just once I get started. Thanks for hearing me and listening. I need that right now.
I'm going to be okay because I choose to be. This won't heal overnight, but I'm choosing to not let it ruin my life. I choose to turn this devestating event into something that will make me stronger and I pray I can help someone someday with what I've been through. I have forgiven the other person and God will have justice one day.
Um, I've said a lot and I didn't think I would be ready to share this yet, but I think I am now after writing some. Clarice, my long time friend on here and anyone else who might be reading this... I was raped completely. Please hold me.View Thread
Caprice I really hated to hear this. Does this mean you won't be on this forum much anymore? you were one of the few who used to reply to us. WRiting helps me but only if I know I'm being heard. thanks.View Thread
thanks caprice. been seeing a counselor, but just doesnt seem the talking through this trauma is going fast enough. im too tender to talk a lot about it now but i dont know if someone else could be better able to help, not sure.
ive been looking around for someone else, but its hard without insurance or income.View Thread
Hi Maturemomma, Wow hun, my heart goes out to you. I have lost a lot of people in my life as well and went through 4 losses last year, my most recent being in November. It's really hard and is never an easy thing. Grief and loss are different with each circumstance it seems as well, for me it has been.
I don't think it ever made it easier for me either when I knew ahead of time that someone was short on time. It's different than being surprised by it (I've had that too) but is not any easier.
I just wanted to let you know I read your post and sincerely and genuinely my heart goes out to you. the biggest thing I have learned with grief and loss hun is to give yourself time through it all, let yourself feel the feelings that you feel before it happens and after the passing, it is HARD to feel those feelings and we wish we could escape them and the sorrow. Let yourself feel them though because after you've gone through the whole grieving process, later on when you remember the loved ones on birthdays and special days etc you'll want to be able to feel those feelings again..so dont repress anything or try to avoid it, its awful to have to go through, but let yourself feel it and grieve, be gentle to you, do what works for and helps you through it no matter what anyone else thinks, if you start to cry in public, let those tears fall, tears are healthy and honest. I've learned the hard way. Writing helps me and could be a help to you even before these losses, just do some writing if you feel like it. If you feel like writing a letter or a poem to tell these people how you feel and what you honor about them do so! If youre not one for writing maybe even a short something that tells them I love you, or make them a homemade card, anything that would help you.
Feel free to write on here as much as you want or need to...big hugs, I care very much...we're here for ya.View Thread
Additionally, other than writing if you have any other ideas on ways to grieve I would appreciate it. I'm going through so much all at once that my body has been getting my attention that things are too much.View Thread
Hi Caprice, Thanks. I love this community group here. It has been one of my favorites for years. I've appreciated being able to share as well as hope that my feedback to others has helped them.
I'm managing and doing the best that I can. I'll share a little more. Last year I went through 4 losses (the most recent being in November and was the former pastor I had..he and his wife were like a second mom and dad to me...I cried some but haven't fully grieved...going to make time as soon as I can to write a letter that I would have given to the pastor or just do some writing to share how I feel/felt about him...writing seems to be the best way I have to express myself). Also, last year I dealt with a job that was an unethical work environment until I could find a new job to go to, went through dental surgery and complications with healing from it because of medical malpractice, changed jobs and lost the new job with a cut back on a budget and a previous worker hired back that made less money than I was and wanted her job back because she didn't like the one that she went to so they hired her back and cut me even though they gave me an extra $2 per hour and asked me many times to work for them because they wanted my skills, decline in health and weight gain due to stress..was my worst year ever.
Then two days before Christmas, was raped completely. I have been through a lot. On top of job hunting, trying to make decisions re: moving, trying to get my apt packed because of an issue with the apt here that violates a health code I need to move to a better apt either here or if I move to a new town. At this point, with all the emotional stress I've gone through I don't have it in me to move. So job hunting, packing, being enrolled in college full time online finishing my bachelors degree, family issues, financial issues, health issues and applying for financial assistance and finding doctors to establish with, then the rape happened. So I've been dealing with medical and emotional and legal. I'm having to find a good attorney and psychologist and better regular doctor right now. I was seeing a counselor for a little while, but he doesn't seem to be much help and am not sure he's going to be a right fit, so going to keep looking. So, all of it is certainly overwhelming. What seems to help is that I need to learn to take breaks. I still have physical injuries from the rape as well and am still in pain. I don't tolerate medicine so there's nothing they've tried for pain that I'm able to take and unfortunately rest or counseling are the only things that help. Today I woke up so tired I hardly wanted to get up. College and the other things keep me busy but I've learned I need to take time for me and to rest. I have created boundaries with my family who is out of state because they are pressure and stress to me. So setting healthy boundaries feels good and helps. There's so much that I can't control but at least I can control what I can and do what is helpful for me. I"ve been very assertive and proactive through all of this; I'm more of one to accomplish things and get results rather than to lay around focusing on how I "feel." I appreciate this thread and that I can share. I'm not saying repressing emotions is healthy, but I'm also not one to be lazy or totally absorbed in how I feel. So to have a place to share how I feel is helpful and healthy. I'm doing better than I was last weekend. I went through some of a deeper depression that scared me. I have been open enough to talk to the doctor and the counselor about how I feel and how deep the depression got with all the stress I'm under. I think I surrpised them with my very openness and honesty, but it's easier to say things straight out and I"m their best source of information so I make them listen and not leave the room until I'm done. I take charge of the appointments at least with the dr. Otherwise, what's the bill for? I'm also trying to find more support. Thanks Caprice!View Thread
hi caprice, I sure don't like posting about my issues. I'd rather be helping here again, always was glad to get to do that. I've tried finding those I could let in to help me and haven't had any success unfortunately. I dont know where to reach out anymore, just had another disappointment today and cried for a while. My pastor hasnt been supportive..he's not trained in some of it and has been gone for a while...telling him hasnt helped..so am looking for other ways of help and a more supportive church.View Thread
thanks i dont have any support caprice. posting on a board is too vulnerable for me right now. im just upset about a lot of things going on in my life. nothing is going right and i feel awful, am up late being sick. im holding on to everything with a thread, i just have so much stress in my life along with the abuse as well. could use hugs, write more soon. thanks.View Thread
I wrote this on his online guestbook, thought I would share it. I struggled to get through writing this as it was hard to believe he's gone.
I love Pastor with everything within me and always have. God just allowed me to move to and get the privilege to know him as my Pastor for 3 years. I told him back then, "There will never be another Pastor " and I have not had to eat my words at all. I have never over the years found any other Pastor that could compare to him. He was not only my Pastor but he was a second dad to me. He was there for me when my brother took his own life and his words of wisdom and counsel I still remember to this day. He taught and preached the Word of God and he taught me things in the book of John I never knew before. I still remember one of his sermons very clear that really touched my heart, years later I still remember. I remember him preaching with everything he had even when he was in strong pain. He always kept a Godly focus and attitude. I cherish the many times and usually weekly that they were over at my house and I got to enjoy his company and laughter and jokes. I cherish the trip when I got to ride with them to the campmeeting. He encouraged me and volunteered me into the ensemble and always believed in me in multiple ways. I rejoice that he is home, truly I do and it won't be long before we all join him in glory. But, I have been completely beside myself since I heard two days ago. I love you Pastor and you'll always be my pastor and an adopted second dad. He didn't do a "job" as a Pastor as so many do, but he worked in the "ministry" and he showed me the love of Christ and that ministered to me and left an impact on my heart and life that I'll always hold dear. I'll think of him as I sing and play piano as he used to always encourage me in and everytime I read the book of John he is in my thoughts. I remember him saying "I don't know what we'd do without that last chapter in John." He was the first "real" Pastor I ever had and he did not do a "job" he worked in the "ministry." Big difference. I remember him singing "I Know What It's Like (to have Jesus standing by me)" and "I've Been Rescued" - remember it like it was yesterday. I love you Pastor; thanks for showing Christ like love to me and teaching me the Word, the book of John as well as teaching me more about prayer. I'll think of him when I make pineapple upside down cake, used to always get to make it for him.View Thread