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So.....I want to say thank you for everything. For listening. For giving advice. For the commiserating. For the laughs. For the silly parties that get deleted or edited until the entire thread makes no sense. Basically, thank you for everything. All of you. Old or new. It has meant so much to know that I am NOT alone in dealing with the anxiety, the mania, the depression and BP stuff. Or the host of other family things, medicine things and other medical stuff we come across in our lives.
If I can figure out how to stay, I will, but I don't know. Things are excelerating fast and I don't know how much time I have. Don't think I've deserted you all because I think about you all every single day. I'll miss you all like crazy and worry about you as much as I do now. I hope you all can understand this. I used to think I would never wish being bipolar on my worst enemy, but honestly, going blind after seeing things for 40 years is not only a hard pill to swallow but is so much worse than dealing with the roller coaster of BP....at least for me....the overthinker and creative personality.
I will stay as long as I can and try to say goodbye when it is time. Love you guys!View Thread
Ya know, someone could make a lot of money off of donations and also use your information that you give on the adoption form for their own benefit, such as identity theft or even sell it to someone else.
So, I will let ya all know what happens.
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I see a psychotherapist now. He reminds me of Marcus Welby MD when he smiles. He practices EMDR other types of therapy and, for now, he is hesitant to treat me with EMDR because it may trigger another episode. I told my therapist about an incident that happened when I started to post on this board. I need a professional to help me to fully understand and come to grips with what had happened, but he only wants to discuss my life in generalities, and he insisted that I sign a waiver so that he could communicate with my husband and all of my doctors. The only person I haven't told is my psychiatrist (PA) who has admitting privileges. I kind of get the impression that my therapist has already passed that information to my PA on my behalf. I am deeply sorrowed and get easily depressed when I think about the incident and the damage it would have caused, and when I try to forget I remember to take my medications faithfully.
The warm weather is inviting me out to shopping centers and I get overstimulated and talk to myself in public while I overspend. My therapist told me that wearing an ear piece in public is the only difference between me and the people who were once patients now released, from the closed mental health hospitals in CA, who walk up and down the streets talking to themselves without medication. I must wear an ear piece while I am in public. I increased my Seroquel to 400 mg so I hope that will help some.
Other than that, we are doing some home repairs. I love all of the rain we are having here in Dallas and the foliage in our back yard is overgrown and will take a lot of back work to chop it down and haul it away. Speaking of which, I am having back pain again and need to have cortisone shots. With the humidity, the mosquitos are out in swarms and I think there have already been a few cases of West Nile Virus.
I will leave you now. I am flat, boring and not too exciting to be around these days. I will try to post my sunny side up next time. XXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO to Y'ALL.
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I have received emails from two misfits here (you know who you are) and you have no idea how good it was to hear from my friends. I will poke my head in to say hello while I still feel good. It took me a while to remember my password. I miss you all very much. I would like to offer support here, but my mind is lagging and it's easy for me to drop my thoughts in mid-sentence with the exception of today. I sneak a peek here sometimes and I am so sorry that some of you are going through very difficult times. But you know, I also see how everyone continues to be supportive of each other and it reminds me of how you have always been open and friendly to me. I remember that some of you are interested readers. I will warn you this post is long-winded, but I haven't posted for several months and you have asked how I have been doing and what I have been up to.
My eyes are glassed over as usual and I look tire and old. During the last several months, I have been depressed on and off with hypomania that doesn't last long. I have managed the normal periods for up to two months. I got very angry and irritable and at one point became severely depressed. It didn't last long but it felt like an eternity. I have pinpointed most of my triggers and I am trying to hone my skills to handle the triggers when they insist on coming.
Last month, I became depressed again while taking Topomax to lose weight; depression is a side effect. At the lowest dosage, this drug robbed me of my self-awareness, my handwriting and the ability to think and talk without slurring my words. I continued to take it because I had to give the medication a chance to work and I wanted to lose weight so badly. However, before I could lose any weight, I had to get off of it because it gave me numbing head rushes and nausea, and it caused me to have headaches. I would have passed out on the floor one day had I not found a chair. This drug also caused me problems at work. My boss and I are now trying to correct the fall-out from all my mistakes. I found company checks misplaced underneath the trays in my office drawers, in my large tote bag and in my car's glove compartment. All of the misplaced checks were, eventually, found and mailed. I almost forgot to pay a client's mortgage. I was able to hide some things.
Two weeks ago, someone I have worked with for 10 years, whom I have always thought of as a good friend, came out of nowhere and asked me if I was taking Depakote. I barely answered a slurred "no" and then I asked him if he was taking Depakote and he answered "God no!" which told me that someone guessed that I have bipolar disorder and I must be taking a mood stabilizer that, apparently, makes all of us act loopy. I have never told anyone at work that I have bipolar disorder, but his response suggested that if he had a mental illness he would hide it if he could. I should have told him it wasn't any of his business and I should have answered "God no!" I wasn't able to think quickly. Good thing is other associates are very nice to me and giving me friendly and caring smiles that I am not used to and I hesitate to return their smiles. I am still determined not to tell anyone.
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There is either a Troll on the main Bipolar board or some poor fellow has a fear that he may have an STD. His question was something like this "Is there any way I could take a picture of my penis and send it to a Dr. so that he could tell me if I have an STD?"
So I'm wondering, can I take a photo of my vagina, send it to my Gyno and have her do my yearly pap? Or perhaps squash my breasts between two books, take a photo and send it to the Dr. for my yearly breast exam? Or even put on a glove, take a photo of my hubby turning his head and coughing, send it his Dr.? Wow, all the ideas that come to mind. LOLView Thread
Does anyone have movies to go see?
goatView Thread
ER doc, hospital neuro, primary care and gen practitioner in the hospital and follow up with pc all said it is conversion disorder which is basically a form of dissociation excepts it manifests in physical form. I was discharged with my right eye exactly as it is now. Pdoc says it is NOT conversion disorder. Had to fight with pc to get referrals to neuro and opthamologist. Op says nothing wrong with eye but the nerves aren't communicating with the brain properly. Apparently my eye isn't tracking properly thus the distorted vision. He deferred to neuro. Neuro put me through MRA, MRV. All inconclusive. Blood work indicates 2 markers out of 13 for lyme disease but I've never been bitten by a tick in my life.
So on the 17th I am having a spinal tap done followed by an infectious disease doc and I have to see a neuro-opthamologist. Still no freaking answers and just test after test after test. It's been nearly 3 months like this. For a long while I was motivated to find answers. Then I hit a period of apathy. I just didn't care. And now? The depression is setting in. I can feel other things declining.. I'm scared and I wish they would just figure it out. Or at least tell me this is as good as it gets so I can prepare everyone and stop putting a happy face on and pretending it's all like a sprained finger or something. It's not. I'm tired of being half blind, of not being able to go from light to dark of having my computer turned up to 5x the size font I normally use. Tired of almost hitting my husband and kids when they approach me on my blind side.
I want to not feel horrible all of the time and tired of trying to remain positive. I can't do it anymore.View Thread
I am a tomato squeezer
I am a dog blaming gas passerView Thread
2) Strip, NOW.
3) No, it's your turn to trim the cat's but. (long story)
4) Te quiero mi hombre fuerte y guapo. (which means I love you, my strong handsome guy.)
5) You did WHAT to my cat???!!!!!!
6) Stop carrying the cat around while he's asleep. You'll get scratched.
7) You're my crazy 6 footer from Indy.
I'll love you no matter what.View Thread
Anyways, with dh completely out of commission, I am having to re-enter the working world. Figured I'd start with some temporary labor stuff because my computer office skills pretty much sucketh and I don't want to do phone work in call centers anyways.
Well, not only do I have to BE at the Labor Pool by 5:45, I have to sit and listen to the male chauvenist comments from the workers. Then there's the outright discrimination against women even though the office is staffed with ALL women. Job came up this morning for laying Pergo flooring and laminate tiles. Easy peasy stuff and I got passed up for some man. By 8:30, I finally left.
I'm not scared of the people there, I'm just scared about working period. The last attempt failed miserably. And now, I really don't have any choice.View Thread
My embarrassing stories usually are bra, undies, nipple pad related.
1. I put on a shirt that I couldn't wear a bra with, so I put on nipple pads. If you don't know what they are here is a pic.

So I go to my chiro and get a massage and then he set my back. When I get home I pass the mirror and notice that you can see one of my, you know, through the shirt. aaaahhhh my nipple cover fell off at the chiro's. I have no idea exactly when it fell off, all I know is that my chiro could probably see on of my, you knows, through my shirt the entire time. LOL
2. called a tow truck to tow my car out of my garage and take it to the shop. The guy asks to use my restroom, no big deal "go right ahead". After he left I noticed that I left a pair of panties on my restroom floor. aahhh another oops
3. The land scaper needed to come in my house so that we could sign some paper work. So I lead him to the kitchen and pull out a chair for him, laying in the middle of the chair was my pink bra. I could have died from embarrassment. I was like "oops, so thats where it was hiding".
4. I was walking my dog and we were practicing her dog walking skills, sit, stop, heal....yea know. So I come across these three guys and I couldn't help but show off how obedient and smart my dog was. I talk to the dudes for a while and went on home. Thats when I realized that my zipper was down and my bright orange panties were showing. *roll eyes*.View Thread
Consider the recent history of shootings in America has another misundrstood similarity. I'm talking about the treatment (or lack thereof) of mental sufferers. This topic is too important not to be discussed by folks like ourselves, here, where it counts, and not left for the media to lock in the closet.
In the eighties, the government loaded up the pharmacies and sent the danger into the streets. Would be paitiets were sent out to fend for themselves. Please let's not let the discussion of this topic die and easily as the victims have. Your opinion counts for here is where the perpetrators are also the victims.View Thread
and this one is for the goat
Ok, that doesn't sound quite right, but you know....
Lately I've been thinking about the question everyone asks me, How did you end up with this guy? Why do you stay there? How do you deal? Well the answer, of course is not a simple one and I finally had a crystal clear answer to it.
I found someone who despises me as much as I despise myself. Not to say that he's always bad or always has been, but the two of us together in a relationship, we just don't get along all that well.
At the time I made the decision to come back here I was at the lowest point of my life that I had ever been, and I wanted to die, had written myself off and didn't think I deserved anything or to ever be happy again, so when my dad and brother pushed me to come back here, I conceded. Some of you know all of this already so I won't go into too many details there.
Lately I've been so sad and overwhelmed with everything going on, it's life, it just keeps coming at you. Issues with my daughter (that's another long, long story), so, so busy with my kids, pretty much every day we have some kind of appointment or another along with all the regular stuff, yet I'm with them literally 24/7 and I feel like I have no support or encouragement whatsoever, I'm just overwhelmed.
And I think to myself, WHAT am I doing here?
I'm not saying I want to leave and run away, I just want to find a way to deal with my problems instead of ignoring them anymore.
Everything bad that happens or goes wrong with my kids, I get the blame...most of the time I ignore it as a bunch of bs, other times I want to smack the hell out of certain people, and other times it just makes me really sad...
But at the end (or beginning) of it all, I have realized that I am very angry, I mean ANGRY, like seething with anger and I don't know what to do with or about it. And also really, really sad. Not a good combo.
The other night I randomly stopped at some little store, a place I normally would never go to look for some coffee filters. I caught a glimpse of this guy handing out flyers for a church as I was going in, but thought that I must be mistaken in thinking it was who I thought it was.
Well walking out with my son, I looked and it was who I thought it was, I kind of hoped he didn't recognize me because well, honestly it's been like 20 years since the last time i saw him and I've changed (I thought) and I looked terrible from having been up all this past week with insomnia, I had only gone out to give my SIL a ride to pick something up, since I have a truck. Dude, it was my ex-bf, as in, my very 1st bf ever, 1st boy i ever kissed bf...

SO he's all like, what? you're not even gonna say hi?
So, I turned around and said ummm, hi, i'm with my son, he said hi to my son and asked his name, told me he was a grandpa now & had 2 granddaughters that he was so in love with, asked how my mom, her husband (deceased) and my bf were doing (yeah they knew each other back then) ....and after a minute or two i said i had to go...I kind of wanted to talk a little more to ask how he was doing but probably not the best idea ever.
It was weird, I was totally unprepared for that. It got me to thinking, I really used to love that boy (now man) but I broke up with him because this one time he did something, or rather tried to do something that really I would not stand for and s we broke up. But we kept in touch and he always seemed to check up on me and ask if I was doing ok, and if whomever I was seeing was being good to me, he always seemed to really care about me and never treated me wrong again. But life goes on you know, he had a kid from some girl back when we were still teens and I moved away...View Thread
SeniorPeopleMeet Dating. ( I am NOT that old)
Jewish Dating
Christian Dating
Free Trail E-Cigarette (notice that they spelled *trial* wrong)
Stop Smoking
Male Enhancement (oh goody gum drops. Just what I needed)
Also, and this wasn't email, it was an Instant Messenger invite. I opened it in order to NOT accept the invite and also block it and a picture came up. OMG, a woman, laying in bed, nekkid, spread eagle. I was like "aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh". I should have forwarded the invite to Goat. heheheView Thread
Ok everyone, I have to go now. I have a lot to do and besides, the Budweiser Clydesdales wagon just pulled up out front. mmmmm beer . Merry End Of The World.
1. A new Va-gii-gii
2. Better heath
3. To go on vacation to Hawaii
4. Pay off our house
5. Take a trip to England so that my husband can visit his family
6. A 2 million dollar winning lottery ticket. Don't need more than 2, I'm not greedy.

7. Another dog for my dog to play with
8. Find the cure for Vulvodynia so that of those women won't have to suffer any more
9. Buy my daughter a Mustang
10. Can of root beer.View Thread
Don't try and tell me that they are kitty's because I know that she doesn't wear briefs. How do I know? Debbie and Beej told me.
Mercy hun, quit leaving your bra hanging on the shower head. If your all gonna live here you must pick up after yourselves. *Cookie kicks a pair of her granny panties under the rug*View Thread
I just thought I would start out here with a smaller group that maybe knows me.
I hurt my arm and was in a lot of pain for several days. On lithium, I can't take NSAID's and I needed those, so I stopped my lithium. Then I started it again. Felt sick. Dropped my dose down and have continued at a low dose for a week now. I feel ok on that. Need to call my pdoc and fess up.
Hubby has health problems and I am busy with that.
Then there is the usual "bah humbug" feeling about the holidays. Most of that is due to finances.
I have missed you all and hope to find 5 minutes to catch up! xoxoView Thread
I just scanned the main board and read how many readers would like to keep their contacts more clinical. I agree and I think it is very wrong of members not to reply to questions about Bipolar.
Surprise!!! I don't know many answers about my illness, so I don't believe that I'm fit for service. Will restrain my participation to Grumpies and Coconuts. I just think it might work better that way.
goatView Thread
Please report to your capt.View Thread
All I can do right now is hold on for two months until the fall semester is over then I am going to take time off until I am well enough to return to work. No one is happy withe the plan. Guess I am pulling them down along with me. I wasn't trying to do that. I was just sharing my thoughts. I guess no one really understands mental illness. I went bp all over one of the person behind for the comment as an insult to me. I hope he takes notes I can be mean right back atcha. hee hee.Oh well.
I guess thats all I plan to say for now.
beejView Thread
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