I'm a 24 year old male and I have never been more confused in my life - nor did I think this would EVER be an issue. Your thoughts are appreciated - please be easy...
All my life I have been thinking about women, masturbating to women, watching straight porn and dated women (I'm somewhat of a pervert when it comes to women). I lost my virginity to a girl at the age of 14 who I dated for 2 years. Since then I have slept with maybe 10-15 other women. I also just got out of a 8 month relationship with another girl who I loved very much. The only homosexual experience I have ever had was with a former close friend of mine in middle school who I fooled around (oral, mutual masterbation - never anal) with repeatedly. Never did I think anything off this - I thought it was an expermental phase that most adolescents go through (I was 12-13 years old) and it never phased me again. I realized I had my experience and I am not interested in men. Never did I have a homosexual experience after this either...
I went through my first two years in college on a hunt for women. Starting my sophmore year I had started to have some "sexual dysfunction" (i.e. I couldn't get it up) and it really messed with my mind. Every other time I would try to sleep with someone I would have difficulty getting it up and it was largely due to anxiety. When I would get it up I would cum really quickly. My self-esteem started to drop.
This anxiety led me to slow down my sexual activity with women and started to implant this feeling that I might be gay in my mind and that's why I can't get it up. I stopped pursing women as much, and I started watching way more (straight) porn than usual. The masturbation started to get boring and I started to look for more ways to stimulate myself. This led me to prostate massaging.
I quickly learned that this is an extremely stimulating form of pleasure. In the beginning when I was performing prostate messages I wouldn't think of it erotically (hard to do so with a woman on your mind). Slowly, slowly I started thinking of a man inside of me. Next thing I know - straight porn is boring me and I am constantly on the lookout for more extreme porn and in many cases gay porn.
Over the last four years I've seen myself more and more curious to sleep with a man but I don't feel comfortable doing this. Its rare for me to look at a guy and say wow that's an attractive dude that I would like to sleep with. Yet I keep getting these fantasys of me sleeping with a man (I can't think of their face when I have these - only their bodies). I don't feel comfortable sleeping with a guy and feel that if I do bring myself to do it I might regret it later.
Mentally I want to be with a woman, I still check them out on the street and watch straight porn 50% of the time. However, my drive to sleep with women has diminished greatly and lately it has taken a lot for one of them to turn me on.
Over the last couple months I have been having a mental fight - am I gay, am I not gay, am I bi etc... I've been masturbating 2 - 5 times per day and switching off between straight and gay porn (sometimes trying to prove myself wrong). I think about this issue 24/7. I can't get my work done and I have a lot of anxiety over this. I am also seeing a therapist but I don't feel its helping.
I'm confused about my sexuality and how this came to be.
Am I bi-curious, bi, gay, straight? Do I just have a porn addiction? Has anyone gone through this - whats your advice?
Thank you everybody for your kind words - I appreciate it.
Most of you have touched on a couple topics I would like to respond to:
Physical Condition - went to a doctor. He said I should be fine. I have a couple epidermal cyst that came about right around the time I started have erection problems. It doesn't prevent me from getting erections but it does cause some pain when a chick is tickling my balls or if I am railing her hard. I also have a slight case of chronic prostatitis which inflames my prostate. The only way to sooth this is by massaging it (meds don't help). This makes me want to shove my prostate messager/fingers in there from time to time. It has also gotten me really into prostate messaging which when done right can create a orgasm that your dick could hardly match up to. These orgasms I have experienced have got me curious as to what sex with a man feels like... I quit smoking 3 weeks ago from today and my erections are also much better (used to smoke 1/2 a pack a day since my first break up at 16)
The doctor has prescribed me cialis and then viagra and I generally take these before sleeping with a women but I don't feel its due to the physical problems. Its more mental as many of you have said. Taking these meds also makes me want to jerk off MULTIPLE times a day which turns me onto porn. When I rail on these drugs I feel like a pornstar - no anxiety, no quick cum, can cum when I want and the girl is always feeling it. I just don't feel satisfied after because I used a drug. When I was with my second long term GF I used these drugs the first time I slept with her and then I never use them again. I could have sex totally fine and it was always satisfying. I don't recall having a gay thought while with her and I was a VERY happy person...
Yes porn is definitely an addiction for me. No question about it. I tried to get off it for 2 weeks and was successful. I got drunk one night, went home and got right back on it. My relapse was way worse. I started with straight porn, gradually went to more extreme stuff until I hit gay porn. I felt the progression through the night and the week after I was on a porn/masturbation binge (multiple times a day). During my two weeks of "Sobriety" I still had some gay thoughts but they weren't as intrusive. I was also thinking/getting turned on by women way more and was more confident in myself.
One of you touched on an emotional problem and I agree with you on this front as well. That relationship when I was 14 ended with a girl cheating on me which broke my heart at the time. I went thru a state of depression for about two years after this. Over my life a few of the girls I have slept with were also sleeping around with other people and I have caught them in the act. My erection problem came right around this time as well. My therapist says that he thinks most of my anxiety comes from "Betrayal" which I have buried deep inside of myself (as I don't see it). At times I think hes defiently right and other times I think its BS.View Thread