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SeattleRon

Joined: 11/23/2012
My Story:
I am a young 55 yo fit runner and daily pull ups married and love my wife. We have a good marriage but physical intimacy has become a huge FEAR. I faked it for years. I never experienced intimacy, un conditional love, trust in others to have my best interests at heart. By age 7 I began escaping hidden away for hours, not missed, fantasizing about what my life would be like when I got out of that house at 18. About 10 in the basement where I went to be hidden I discovered my fathers stash of porn both pictures of naked men and women. I had a negative relationship with my mother and minimal with my dad. I was awed at what my body would look like when I was a man. I added to my family fantasy mb to those images. There were a couple things show and tell with a neighbor boy but on my way home from a date one night I was stopped at a street light and noticed the guy stopped next to me motioning me to roll my window down. He was a college guy and hollered, "Want a beer follow me"

I was scarred I knew I should not do this but i DID. At his place he grabbed two beers and we sat down in the living room. He asked some questions about myself for a bit then got up and said, I am going to change.He came back with just a towel around his waist. He looked like the guys in my dads mags. Then he sez, "There is another towel for yu on the bed." I got up and changed.

He asked me some more questions for awhile like how many inches I had and I am getting aroused. He slaps me on my knee and says "follow me". In his bedroom he lays on the bed with his towel on and pats next the mattress for me to do the same. I get rock hard when he touches my chest. It all felt so great. No kissing, no sucking and after bit he just had me JO with him. When I left I felt shame...no one could know I did this. One the way out he said "If you see my car out front yu are welcome to knock on the door. I probably drove by twice a day checking and knocked 6-8 times that summer. Oh and he also said, "Don't feel weird about doing this I have several guys just like you who knock"

What this has lead to for me is using annomyous sex with guys as a substitute for the intimacy I have this FEAR over because it does not require it. I tried a FWB with a married pilot for 6 months but tired of it I think because it lacked the danger excitement, and he would want to do it when I was not interested but I felt I needed to do my part.

I like the posts I have read here

One other thing I want to share and ask a question. I have always had this fantasy of being forced taken by a guy. Well, this summer I am out working with no shirt on and old baggy sweat pants with worn our elastic on my old sprts car in the driveway and this shirtless guy out on his run sees the car and and comes up to me to chat about the car. He asks me what I am doing. "I am trying to tighten up fitting to stop a fluid leak and I am not sure what tools I will need. He is standing there fondling his abs and pecs. Never understood why guys do that in front other talking? He suggests I slide under the car and tell him what tool to get me. I do and he is kneeling down beside me from waist down. handing me tools he is touching my chest. I can tell I am getting a tent in my sweat pants. When I get it tightened and slide out I am so embarrassed and he has this big smile on his face looking at body. I have not seen him since but cannot stop thinking about it.
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