Temper tantrums can be very difficult to deal with and not knowing what the root cause is, very frustrating for the parent.
Here are a few ideas to think about:
Could she be too tired - not sleeping long enough and having days that are too long? Like going to school, then staying in Aftercare too late - then some evenings have soccer? Some children are more sensitive - they just are. Could her days just be getting too much for her?
Young children can't articulate why they do something, they just have a feeling and go with it.
You could always try "lightening" her load and see if the melt-downs stop. Pick her up when school's out, have calm evenings with no soccer practice.
It sounds like an anxiety issue to me. Does she exhibit any other behaviors that seem out of the norm?
When my oldest was young (age 4), she would constantly go to the bathroom. She was always thinking she had to go. We had any medical causes rules out, and then her Dr. said it was anxiety based.
As time wore on and I didn't constantly bring it up with her, her behavior improved (after about 2-years). We didn't need to seek any further help, because as I said, it did slowly improve.
I understand your concerns about dryness and cleanliness. I would take her to her Pedi and rule out any physical causes, and then decide how to proceed, ie: either ignore behavior or seek out a Child Psychologist to help with behavior modification.
Are you guys working with a Child Psychiatrist? Often times medication for ADD, make OCD behaviors worse - it happened to my daughter.
I understand your frustration!! OCD is based on anxiety, so if your son doesn't qualify for an IEP, he definitely should for a 504 plan. Have you looked into a 504, in case an IEP doesn't happen? There's a lot to learn.....sigh - it can all be SO much work for us parents!
There is going to be a lot of information you need to learn about - - good stuff though, good info to help your daughter.
Its great the school is on top of starting the testing process. Here is a link that explains a lot of the process, how long it will take etc.... http://nichcy.org/schoolage It is all mandated by "Special Education", but it is up to you to make sure the school puts proper supports in place to help your daughter succeed.
If your daughter does have a learning disability, she will not necessarily be placed in Special Ed, but she will have the option if deemed necessary. There is a lot the "typical" classroom teacher can do to support her, and the school district may be responsible for extra supports.
Well, it sounds like since most of these behaviors are at the Daycare - - maybe it would be time to think about transitioning her to another one, or asking the current one to really step up and do more structured activities with the children so your daughter will be more occupied and have less time to interact with the boys.
Hopefully the Daycare will want to put in the effort to help re-direct your daughter when she starts to behave that way with the boys.
Another thought could be to have her spend less time at the Facility too. Arrange your work schedule so she can come home after school instead of going straight to Daycare. They're only young once and the more time you can spend with them the better.