I'm 34 and I've only been with my boyfriend for a year, but he wants to have 2 kids, so I have to start in the next couple years. I never thought much about having kids one way or the other until I met him. It always seemed like something that I wouldn't have to worry about and if I did it would all just be clear. But ever since I've realized how soon I will have to have kids, I've felt like my life is over. I've never gotten where I want to with my career, I've never had money, never done anything fun, never even been on a real vacation. I feel like I have no hope of ever doing these things now that I might have kids. I feel like both physically and socio-economically I'll be cut down in the prime of my life and won't resurface again until my 60s. My boyfriend says kids are fun, but I don't know any women who would use that word. I won't go off the pill for probably another two years or so, but that doesn't seem like enough time to squeeze in everything I want to accomplish in life. Can anyone give me hope that my life is not over? Can I still accomplish things? Can I still have fun? Can I still be an adult?View Thread
Well if I weren't with my boyfriend at all, I wouldn't be considering it-- it never even crossed my mind until I met him. I knew I didn't want to be a single mother, so I don't see the point of wanting or not wanting kids otherwise because I was, you know, single. But the problem is that if I were with him but he wasn't into it the way he is, I would be sort of thinking about it, but in the more natural way. It's not that I don't realize I'm only fertile for a few more years, I just wouldn't care. I would just think if I'm meant to have kids I'll have them, if not, not. The problem is that I have to figure it all out in advance of being in the situation I would normally think about it, and I have to do it all so quickly...it's just not the natural course of things. I usually cross bridges when I come to them, but it's like the bridge is way closer than I am prepared for. You're right, I am hoping that someone will say that you can still finish your life with kids, I am still hoping that...View Thread
Thanks Anon. This is a lot of the stuff I worry about, the little things, having to live like a child. I didn't even like kids' stuff much as a kid. It seems so trivial, but I've always wanted to go on vacation, and I just don't want my first one to have to be to Disney World. I badgered my parents into spending the money and vacation time to take us there when I was a kid, and I've felt horrible about it ever since.View Thread
Oh sorry, there is talk of marriage-- we're not going to have kids until after we get married, that is definite.
If I can't get pregnant, which I see as a real possibility, we will adopt one or both. I have brought up the scenario where we could have one kid and plan on having another but circumstances change and it becomes what is not best for us, but he thinks this is extremely unlikely to happen and that it's just a way to waffle on my decision. He has been a little more willing to accept just having one kid, but still wants to do everything in our power to have two. I hope I am not painting too bad of a picture of him-- he has just always dreamed of having two children more than anything in the world, and it really is quite sweet. I respect that, and I am willing to be part of it, but I just don't think that you can plan and know everything so certain so far in advance. It is really a matter of a difference of philosophies.
One reason I can't know all this stuff so far in advance is that I really don't know what it would be like to have kids. I really want to know if I can still have my life. All my friends' kids are still babies and I don't have much exposure to what it's really like. Is there any possible way a person can find out? Has anyone ever written a book on the subject?View Thread
Yes it is a dealbreaker for him, the only dealbreaker. This is why it is becoming urgent-- he wants me to commit to having two kids beyond any doubt before he will fully commit to me. Thus, I have to decide before I'm ready. I am not with him because I need to be with someone-- I actually prefer being single. I'm with him because we just love each other. And it's not like I know for a fact I don't want kids, I would just rather think about it when it feels right and do things naturally. I know for a fact I'm not ready now, but I have to tell him that I'll definitely be ready sometime in the next couple years.
He knows how I feel but he doesn't understand it. He knows you make sacrifices but he thinks kids are just fun-- I can see how men could think that, but I don't think it's the same for women. He thinks we can still do all the stuff we want to do, that kids won't interfere with that, but I can't see how that's possible. I don't even see how we could possibly afford kids even if we never did anything for ourselves again, and since we'll be cut down at a crucial point in our careers, I don't see how we'd ever get out of that hole.
As for a honeymoon or whatever, we wouldn't do that because we'd need to save everything for having kids. I'm not even sure if we'd have much of a wedding, which makes me a little sad--it would just be something we'd kind of rush through to expedite having kids. I'd like to experience and savor these things, but I won't be able to on my boyfriend's timeline.
All I want is to start thinking about getting married, at a normal pace, have fun with that, live our lives, and work kids in when the time is right. But he is worried about my biological clock and says that's not being realistic for people our age.
I know it is ok not to be ready to have kids or to not want kids-- I think it is TOTALLY ok. He thinks so too, but I would have to do that without him. I've pretty much decided that I will try to have them eventually, but it is the timing and the loss of the things I want and the lack of natural flow that is killing me.View Thread