If my kid were doing that, I'd either let it go, assuming they'd quit eventually, or continue getting on to them, depending on how bad the issue is.
When I think of letting it go, I think that if I was 4 years old and doing that, I would remember, now, that I was doing it. Maybe most people don't have that great of memory, but I remember what my parents let go and what they didn't. They kept life simple enough for me to my childhood mind to understand. For example, I got spanked or gotten on to somehow when I lied. It was about a black crayon. I hid it because my friends would come over and color and one of the crayons got broken. The black crayon was my favorite crayon so I decided that I didn't want the two neighbor girls using it. When they asked if I had a black crayon, I said, "No. All gone". Mom looked around the room to try to find one because they wanted one. She ended up finding it and could tell that I hid it and lied about it. She REALLY got on to me for that, after they left. To this day, I'm a VERY honest person, because the very first time I lied, I learned that it as bad or wrong. I didn't understand why Mom wasn't on my side about the black crayon but I did understand that I couldn't lie.
But most things she let go. I would sleep in random spots in the house. On top of the fridge. Underneath the Christmas tree. Don't know why. Guess I found it fun exploring. When I woke up, the time I crawled up underneath the Christmas tree, I knocked the Christmas tree over by sitting up, forgetting where I was. (I guess it was probably only a 10 foot tree at the time. That's hard to imagine now, cause it looked real big to me - so in my memory - even now - it was a big tree. But I have to realize I am seeing these "visions" from the eyes of a child and sometimes there's a translation that needs to occur. It's also hard to imagine because, for as long as I can remember, we got real trees - and HUGE trees - but that doesn't mean we were getting real trees back then).
So down comes the Christmas tree as I scurry out from underneath it. Mom never said a word. I still remember that I did it, but not because she told me in my older age. Because I was there for it. She didn't say something about it because it didn't matter in the long run. She really picked her battles. So when we did get in trouble, we listened.
I think this may be a battle to pick - but GENTLY. Keep in mind - that your kid MAY REMEMBER all of these details when they are older. And if they don't, they are still embedded in their brain, psychologically. The crotch is a personal area. Here's how I would approach it.
I would let it go at first. Unless it's becoming a major problem, knowing that the kids at school aren't going 2 remember it, & the teacher will understand.
If it's too obvious or going on too long, I would gently ask questions. "What are you touching your bobo for, sweetie?" Get an answer. And gently say, "I see. Well, don't do that, OK?"
Then when the problem persists, I say, "Honey, what are you doing? You're not supposed to grab your bobo. Why are you doing that?" Get an answer. And say, "Well, how can we fix that? Do you want lotion? Is your skin dry or something?"
If the problem persists, then get a little bit more stern by pulling the kid aside and saying, "I'm going to have to start spanking you if you don't stop that. It is rude and gross. Do you understand? That is your bobo. That is where you go number 1 from. You can not grab your bobo in public." The kid might cry and close up, requiring another real gentle talk later like, "Honey, I'm sorry I upset you. Mommie is very sorry. But if you are doing something that's not good for you, it is my job to teach you what is good. I don't mean to embarrass you. But we have to stop doing that. I am here to help you figure out how. What about oil. Do you want to put some baby oil right there so it doesn't itch so much?"
At 4 years old - I can remember Mom fixing dinner, and we knew then that Dad was about to come home from work. When he would drive up, she'd look out the window and tell us it was him. We'd run over to the door, excited! I remember the changes in communication between my parents. At bedtime, Mom and Dad would sing songs to us to put us to bed and the trick to keeping them in there longer was to sing more songs. We would pretend to be asleep until the door opened. Mom would check on us. we would be laying there with our eyes shut. She would shut the door and go upstairs. Then we could get up and play, only we couldn't get out of our cribs cause the gate was too high. (Maybe the cribs part was younger than 4). I remember the all black great Dane. I think we had to get rid of her around age 4.
We had a family issue at age five, which I remember very well. Dad was sitting on the right side of Mom on the couch. They called us downstairs to the living room. We were playing with my older brother. My sister and I were there first. Then my brother came. They told us, and my sister and I had no clue what was going on till my older brother started crying and told us in words we could understand. Then the next day, my aunt and uncle came over to be with my Mom while Dad was at work. I cried and told my little cousin - who was 4 at that time, and she said, "It's OK... just pet the kitty". So that's what we did. We sat outside in the front and petted the kitty. And I felt much better that she was over.
This all seems very childish to type out - but I say this to provide at least my perspective on age 4. I knocked over the Christmas tree at about 4, because I was sleeping under it, and when I woke up, I forgot I was under it, and raised up too quickly. At the time, I thought - that was a really big deal, because by my memory, that tree was huge! But common sense tells me now that maybe we started getting huge real trees later on in life - ... that if I could knock it down like that, maybe it was just a 10 foot tree. I was starting to find new interesting places to sleep, like on top of the refrigerator. I don't remember how I got up there, but I only did that once. I didn't like being up that high.
I remember playing pack man at Pizza Hut, and I remember my Dad's friend's name and that he long beard - still does - and one of my Mom's friends, and her accent. I don't remember the accent well enough to hear it in my head know to know where she was from. Mom last talked to that friend when I was about 12, but the friendship started fading out when I was about 4. I remember things Mom would do like take us to the park and we would go get burgers at the trolley, and would run around in the back kitchen. We probably drove the owners crazy! I remember Dad would put me to sleep in church by tickling my knee, scratching my back, or running a ribbon over my face.
I remember the toys I had, the toys my older brother had, and the stations at monesary school, as well as the rules and the daily schedule. I remember when my brother started going to school (he was 4 years older), and it was awesome because I could sneak into his room and play with his toys. When he would come home, he would tell Mom that I was in his room again, and I would be told not to go into his room, but I never got spanked for it. It seemed to me like Mom didn't care, but was trying to keep the peace by telling me not to do it. Point is - by 4, I have tons of memories, & say this to encourage you. I've heard a lot of people say, "She's not going to remember that" referring to a small kid. I remember learning how to walk, and Dad doing the plane to feed me. It's my opinion some people have memories at a very young age and other don't. But you can't expect that a kid isn't going to remember things, even if they are little
I don't feel like she's too young to teach her it's bad manners and she can't do that- just my opinion- for whatever it's worthView Thread
I don't think it is dangling a carrot. Life is not fair, and my goodness... the parents need to mature some, and so does the kid. Too much coddling going around in this household.
I agree with what mountainmom48 says - that maybe he needs an opportunity to get away. I agree big style with that. He probably needs to be able to get out of the house and breathe a little bit, long enough to be able to relax and figure out how to do his own life without whatever he has going on at home, too. Maybe spending time with him - you can find out if he is just pure lazy and the parents are not doing anything to contribute to this - that he's just doing this to himself - or if he just needed some fresh air so he could redirect and apply himself.View Thread
Well, no wonder he's flunking! It sounds to be like his parents are still babies. They should not get so defensive! you don't deserve that at all, especially if you are taking him on a trip as you as his uncle! how many uncle's take their nephew's on a special trip or treat for their birthday, and how often? Or aunts and nieces? Uncle/nephew and Aunt/niece relationships from my experience are seeing them and encouraging them at family get togethers, buying them Christmas presents, and telling them if they want to die their hair blue, they have your permission. (Playfully making it out to be like the kid can go to you if they have problems at home). But it stops there! Here - you are willing to give him birthday gifts - that's more than normal in my book... and you are taking him on a trip?
Two sides to every story - I think you are wrong in saying that motivating him for school is only their job. They may just be trying to get help and trying to reach out to you.
He's probably flunking because: - He doesn't care - He's depressed - He's stressed out over something that's going on either at school, home, or work - He's on drugs or in the wrong group of friends or - Maybe he's really hurting about something. Something he's insecure about that he's getting picked on at school about and he doesn't want to say anything to the family?
It could be anything - and not at all any of those reasons, but mentor-ship is important - always. Maybe his parents are desperate for someone to mentor him right now, and they are upset with you that if they ask something of you - you would not just trust them and do it.
Still, they should not get their feelings hurt so bad that they turn around and hinder that opportunity for you to mentor their kid - especially if they want him to be motivated to do better.
You need to take the kid out and do things with him. If the trip falls through, do something else. And something else. Do not allow the parents to step in between you and the kid - because that's controlling him and that's only going to make him worse. If you already want to do something for him - do whatever you want to do. You don't have to be asking his parents permission for things to do for him, and if you do - you got a bigger issue to tackle than just this.
They need to chill! They are being over defensive little babies. This is not complicated. Parents - grow up! they don't need to be cancel a trip just because you don't do exactly what they want you to do. They can either communicate with you better or you can communicate with them better - but at the heart of it - you're not some creep - you're not like somebody that needs to not be around the kid - at least so far from what we know right here - so if you're not a creep - if you are a normal uncle and this is a normal uncle nephew relationship, then the parents can't micromanage it. It will only cause the kid to push back even more and not care about his grades even more.View Thread
I agree - that it will be very difficult for you to win a positive response from trying to help her because you are her mother, she is married now, and there's a cut off.
After age 25, and sometimes earlier (18-30), kids will not respond well to being told what to do. They are going to do whatever they are going to do.
HOWEVER - This is weird! At some point, a person's going to have to get over somebody meddling, and realize that you are her mother, and you are free to express your opinion however you damn well want to, and if she wanted to not have your opinion, maybe she shouldn't have told you!
Be careful! You don't want to shut the door to her telling you things - or at least not for more than a week or two or maybe more than a month. I would say, do whatever you have to do, and be willing for it to be a wedge between you and your daughter - for the sake of her son - and consider how big of a wedge you are willing to put in between you and her as you go along with communicating to her... but go right ahead! It's meddling. It's telling her what to do! And guess what - too bad! If she wasn't doing something weird, then maybe you wouldn't meddle.
He is getting too old for that. Plus - like lenono97 - what is going on with the marriage? you may or may not want to even go there.... but certainly, it doesn't help the marriage. A man with his wife and a woman to her husband. God first. Spouse second. Kids third. Seriously. The boy can crawl into bed with mom and dad - but for mom to sleep with the boy - that's going to give him some kind of psychological complex later on. It needs to stop. She has to sleep with her husband. Her boy has to see her sleeping with her husband. And if he has to crawl in bed with them every night for a while - the husband is going to have to get over it.
Maybe this is to help the boy sleep. Maybe the husband doesn't agree with it, and that's why he's not crawling into bed with both of them. Maybe the husband is being a jerk about it - and wanting his sleep? or maybe she is putting her kid above her husband?
This may be something you don't want to tough without both of them there! Be careful not to get into relationship counseling without both of them present. There are always two sides to every story. And be careful to avoid that subject all together - because they can go get a counselor. Say as little as possible regarding their marriage - I think. Just recommend them talking with a counselor anytime you want to ring their necks for something... but certainly you have every right to say, "Uh... this is weird... and you can be mad at me... but it needs to stop. A three year old kid needs to sleep by himself, and certainly see his parents sleeping together every night, because he will remember when it gets older. He's way too old for this to continue any longer."View Thread
I hate to try to tackle this one with you but it looks like no one else wants to either... seems like you need someone posting! could some of yall please help this parent please?
I am of the mindset that even at two years old and four years old, children understand a lot more than people give them credit for. Only you know your kid and how much she does and doesn't understand, but maybe she could understand that she can't go around doing that. Trying to think of ways to present that which would be appropriate to four years old.
Have you tried telling her she can not do that, that it's bad manners? Maybe present it the same that you would not sharing a toy, or yelling or hitting - for now, and implement that she is going to get in trouble now every time she does that?
"Spare the rod and spoil the child" - I believe in spankings, even as young as four years old. Even younger than that, I believe in popping their leg just enough to make it sting, but not hard enough to hurt them. "I'm going to spank a baby leg" - for very young kids. Depending on where are you with that - maybe you can tell her - Every time I see you doing that, you're going to get a spanking. Not hard enough to hurt her but hard enough to embarrass her and make her feel ashamed enough to want to quit doing it? Then right after that spanking, say, "I love you. Now, could you tell me why you did that, because it makes me sad to have to spank you, and I don't like it! I don't want to have to spank you." - Maybe you will get an answer that may give you some insight as to why she keeps doing it. Either way, she'll hopefully stop.View Thread